October 8, 2008, - 10:53 am

One of the “Side Effects” of Teacher-Student Sex

By Debbie Schlussel
In all of the news stories over the last few years about female teachers who have had sex with their male under-aged students, we constantly hear comments like “way to go” for the teen boys. Some can’t understand why these illicit relationships are a bad thing and completely improper and immoral, not to mention illegal.
Well, one of syndicated Chicago Tribune advice columnist Cheryl Lavin’s readers presents a pretty compelling reason why–in addition to the gazillion moral and psychological reasons–it just might not be a good idea:

DEAR CHERYL:
I’m 42. When I was 17, I had an affair with a 33-year-old high school teacher. It ended when I graduated and I never saw Mrs. Kelly again.

debralafave.jpg

Debra LaFave: Some Couldn’t Understand

Why Relationship with “Hot” Teacher Was Bad

Recently, a young man contacted me, claiming I’m his father. He’s the right age. He learned, when Mrs. Kelly’s husband was hospitalized with kidney failure, that this man who raised him couldn’t have been his father. (He was tested as a possible donor.)
Mr. Kelly passed away and the young man, Peter, confronted his mother about his paternity. She gave him my name. Now Peter and Mrs. Kelly want me in their lives.
I now recognize that my relationship with Mrs. Kelly was abusive. She exploited her power and my immaturity. But at the time I was ashamed. Because of my shame, I never acknowledged the relationship to anyone, and I decided to save sex for marriage. My wife thought I was a virgin when we married. I never corrected her because I didn’t want to think about how much of my childhood was taken by someone I should have been able to trust.
I don’t want to have anything to do with my abuser. What does she think? That I am going to cheat on my wife with a 58-year-old who committed statutory rape? But I wonder about the boy. Peter is completely innocent in all of this, and I can understand him wanting to know me.
Maybe he doesn’t want to come to terms with the death of his father or maybe he wasn’t very close to his father and wants a do-over.
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Maybe he simply wants to know his biological father. I don’t know.
I do know that if I grant Peter access to my life, it could wreak my marriage. My wife may not be able to accept that I had sex before we were married. If I had told her when we met, she would have been fine with me having a history. But it was too painful to me to discuss.
Now it’s been 25 years, and she may understandably feel betrayed. And how are my kids going to feel? We have six children, and I’m not sure how my daughter will react to finding out that she’s not my oldest child and that she has a half-sibling out there.
Maybe everyone will feel great or maybe it will destroy my family. My first concern is for my wife, then our children, and then Peter. What do you think? Keep in mind that Peter could always go directly to my wife and out me anyway.
FATHER OF SEVEN

Now, do you see why teacher-student sex isn’t such an “attaboy” endeavor?
It has long-term effects and consequences, and it ruins families and lives.

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9 Responses

Maury Povich might have a show for this one. DNA match says….

californiascreaming on October 8, 2008 at 11:25 am

[I now recognize that my relationship with Mrs. Kelly was abusive. She exploited her power and my immaturity. But at the time I was ashamed.]
This guy is full of sh*t. He’s playing the victim card because he got a kid out of it but if there had been no kid I wonder if he’d still feel like a victim?
[DS:Now, do you see why teacher-student sex isn’t such an “attaboy” endeavor?
It has long-term effects and consequences, and it ruins families and lives.]
The same could be said about teenage sex or premarital sex. And if you swim you could possibly drown. But would life be worth living if we were protected from everything by doing nothing?

Norman Blitzer on October 8, 2008 at 11:48 am

There is little that angers me more than teacher-student sex. I’m a teacher, and I recognize the HUGE responsibility we have to try to help our students mature into responsible, THINKING adults. When I see another teacher forcing leftist propaganda onto his or her students, I do my part to teach the facts, as well as instill a love for what we have in this country. When I know of a teacher sexually abusing a student, I shun that teacher and make the administration aware of the situation.
I have friends (ones who don’t teach) who still have the schoolboy fantasy of the “hot teacher” and I keep explaining that is offensive on so many levels…we arrest men who have sex with teenage girls, and rightly condemn them as pedophiles. But a woman who has sex with teenage boys is held out as a “desperate housewife” or a “MILF” and we snicker that maybe her husband isn’t “doing his duty.” THESE WOMEN ARE PREDATORS EVERY BIT AS MUCH AS THE MALE PEDOPHILES ARE AND THOSE BOYS LIVES ARE RUINED AS MUCH AS THE GIRLS’ ARE! It may come back years later as an unknown child, or perhaps through an unearned grade getting said male student into college lacking the knowledge for the courses he’ll be taking, but whatever happens, it’s a negative.
Personally, I thought Debra LaFave should have spent 40 years behind bars…Mary Kay LeTourneau should NEVER have been released! The list of female teachers abusing students grows longer with each passing day, and until these women get some serious jail time (no parole), they’ll continue to prey on students and further wreck our education system.

Sharps Rifle on October 8, 2008 at 12:08 pm

Teachers — both male and female — who have sex with students, generally are individuals who lack the emotional maturity to have adult relationships with the responsibilities and commitments that such relationships entail. Rather than relate to someone as an adult, and really have to figure out how to work with that person to build a relationship, how to adjust to that person, they just have sex with an emotionally immature person, are freed, at least in their own mind, from any such responsibility, and have little regard for the emotional impact on the student. This is true also of bosses having relationships with those they supervise, prison guards and prisoners, etc. With the family under attack in our society though, I am afraid such relationships will multiply.

c f on October 8, 2008 at 2:58 pm

I am not seeing this victim angle at all. A high school kid is more than capable of handling a sexual relationship. Maybe girls need to be protected (since they are so weak and unable to control thier emotions- that is what we are saying with these laws) but boys want sex with hot teacher anytime we can get it.
The 18 year old consent laws are just ridiculous -there are 16 year old girls that are mature enough for sexual relations. Hell in Mexico (and Mexican girls on the LA subways) 16 year old girls are on their 2d kid.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS- 16 YEAR OLD BOYS DO NOT NEED TO BE PROTECTED FROM HOT TEACHERS- OR ANY COUGARS FOR THAT MATTER. WE WANT SEX- FROM GIRLS OUR OWN AGE OR WE WILL TAKE IT FROM OLDER GIRLS. THE BEST WAY TO PROTECT YOUNG GIRLS IS ALLOW US TO HAVE SEX WITH OLDER WOMEN.

tate on October 8, 2008 at 3:21 pm

The ignorance of several individuals who post here is pretty sad.
1. A pedophile is an individual who has uncontrollable sexual desires for children under the age of 12 NOT a teenager. Pedophilia is a specific mental condition not a general term. Try looking it up sometime.
2. Which state do you want to go to? MANY states and LARGE majority of countries have an age of consent of 16 or even younger. Canada is 15 for example. So you can marry in one state and be a criminal in another. Pretty sad justice system.
3. I will agree, positions of power are an exception to the rule. OUT of high school should be mandatory for any relationship. And the teachers should be prosecuted.
4. My grandparents married with my grandmother being 15 and my grandfather 20. They have been married over 70 years now, and my grandfather has yet to be called a pedophile.
Get some facts and stop the rants, it is so immature.

NOTAFIB on October 8, 2008 at 4:20 pm

Love the “Advertisement Click Here!” part.
As for the guy: attaboy! Enjoy your time with your new found son.
And stop playing the victim, you shouldn’t have lied to your wife to begin with, dumbass.

Kim Hartveld on October 9, 2008 at 8:17 am

I think a disclosure to the wife and family will be difficult on them and probably ruin the marriage. However, not doing so will probably ruin it from the other direction of the man having a deep dark secret now that he feels he can’t discuss with his wife.
Ultimately, it will be better to disclose. Peter can blackmail the guy otherwise at any time if he wants and ruin the family that way. If the wife finds out from another source, then her trust of the husband goes down the tubes and will be difficult to overcome.
More likely, I think the wife will be supportive of the husband than condemnatory. The subject can even be carefully opened up as a general discussion of the topic before getting to the details. If the whole subject from start to “I have a kid from her” goes in about 10-15 minutes, the sudden abrupt shock will be turbulent. I can’t see this taking less than 2 hours to slowly broach the subject all the way to the “I have a kid from her” point.
Another approach might be to just meet Peter and figure out what’s up with him. He might be real cool with meeting his father and leaving the family alone. I say that because I would be, have been. Doesn’t mean he will be.
My biological father was married to another women at the time of conception. My aunt says he raped my mother per my mother’s words to her at the time but my mother never told me that. I have met my biological father a couple of times. I’ve never met the wife he had. I have met one half-brother who was unable to get him to give the data on me until I was around 40 years old.
I have some personal though not exactly the same, experience with what Peter is going through. My biological father had no care or consideration for myself or my mother except to allow me to meet him a couple of times. Nice guy but no responsibility towards having helped with creating this son as a result of an affair.
I could say more but the memories are already too painful.

Shannon on October 10, 2008 at 4:02 am

While I really feel like this is none of my business, I just feel so much compassion for this person. What a terrible thing for a person to have to go through!
He says he fears what the truth will do to his marriage — but I would like to encourage him to remember that this was not his fault. All these years later that abuser and that fear is still winning by keeping him isolated and alone, persuading him that people will stop loving him if they knew. That is just not true. As a woman and a wife, knowing the truth would make me devastated for him, fight hard for him, support him in whatever he needed. The fear and the shame he carries are the true forces at work against the marriage — telling his wife what happened to him and how he continues to face it may be painful, but it might also strengthen their marriage by bringing them closer together. Facing the truth and the trials together does that. She could be the ally he really needs, and they could tackle the issue of a relationship with Peter together. In fact, should he and his wife decide to do so, including his daughter in the decision may be helpful to her as well. He is right that Peter is also an innocent victim in this.
It’s so horrible that one person’s bad choices can create so much havoc on so many other people’s lives. God bless him as he tries to do the right thing. He is a good man for caring so much about the feelings of everyone this touches. I pray that he will have the courage to not allow the abuse and the fear to dictate the future of his family.

Numenorean on October 10, 2008 at 12:14 pm

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