November 5, 2008, - 1:56 pm

We Interrupt This Post-Election Commiseration With an Important Story

By Debbie Schlussel
Okay, so it’s not really an important story, but I just had to laugh at these two items about the annoying Madonna and her even more annoying Jewish scientology: Faux-Kabbalah. (Real Kabbalah–Jewish mysticism–is for extremely observant Orthodox Jewish males above the age of 40 who need even more than the 613 laws and their variations that we observe. It’s not for women who make photo books of themselves in their full birthday suit, have a kid out of wedlock
First there is this picture, from the October 20th issue of US Magazine. I feel bad for this poor Black kid. First, Madonna rips him from his real parents in his native Malawi in Africa, both of whom are alive. After all, she needs a living ebony accessory to stay relevant at age 50 and counting. Next, she makes the kid–who isn’t a Jew and neither is his accessory-owner, Madonna–wear a yarmulke to indoctrinate this toddler in the dumb faux-Kaballah BS cult. It’s ridiculous, and the kid, David Banda, clearly doesn’t look too thrilled.


Then, there are these rules Madonna allegedly has for her kids, also from US Magazine, this one from its November 10th issue. The part about letting her Catholic-Hispanic-Italian daughter and her Malawian son only keep one “Channukah present” is hilarious on so many levels. Oy vey. These poor kids, who should be allowed to celebrate Christmas–in daughter Lourdes’ case–and whatever African tribal ceremony they do in Malawi–in the Malawian boy’s case, not only have to pretend they’re Jewish, they don’t get to keep their Christmas gifts.

I like Christians and respect their religious traditions, which is why I can’t understand why any of them would disregard those for this phony empty cult that isn’t even real Judaism and, when practiced properly, is for very religious Orthodox Jewish males. It would be like me, a religious Jew, taking communion and attending midnight mass. I’m simply not eligible and it doesn’t make sense.
It reminds me of that scene in “The Jerk”, when Steve Martin’s character working at a gas station, runs after these Hispanic robbers who are stealing the gas pumps. He wants to return their stolen form of payment: “Ms. Nussbaum, you forgot your credit car”.
This whole thing reminds me of Britney Spears and that time she donned a Jewish Star necklace. Please Madonna and Britney, we don’t want to claim you. We’re already stuck with Ron Jeremy, Roseanne, Hillary Clinton’s step-grandfather, Ehud Olmert, Tzippi Livni, Shimon Peres, and the 78% of us who voted mindlessly for Obama. And that’s enough for any persecuted religion to handle.

9 Responses

I’m reminded of my visit to Nepal where I saw a ‘hip’ American tourist woman wearing the brimless male Nepalese hat (a symbol of masculinity there) as well as a male monk’s orange robe worn as a shawl and tight, jeans. She probably imagined she looked very savvy and cool and ‘native’ but to the Nepalese she looked like a giant blond blasphemous transvesite whore.

poetcomic1 on November 5, 2008 at 3:51 pm

Phony people are attracted to phony things so as to pretend they are not phony.

norman on November 5, 2008 at 3:55 pm

78% of Jews voted for The One? Talk about a shanda. This is one Jew who did not vote for Obama. What does a democratic candidate have to do to not get the Jewish vote these days?

Ripper on November 5, 2008 at 4:30 pm

Is she going to have him circumcised? I can’t wait until those who are trying to ban the practice find out about it and go into a tizzy over what to do!

I_am_me on November 5, 2008 at 4:34 pm

Ok, I don’t consider her to be Christian from everything I’ve heard and seen about her over the years, although it would be nice if she was. I am going to agree with ‘norman’ above, just phony.

rickster on November 5, 2008 at 5:31 pm

wasnt madonna sandra burnhardt futon at one time?

PNAMARBLE on November 5, 2008 at 6:01 pm

I’ve not connected Madonna’s ‘religious’ claims to anything more than her attempt at self-worship. When lumped in with her pretend foreign accent, it isn’t misleading — it’s pitiful.
Debbie, thanks especially for all the extra time and care you’ve put into keeping us up-to-date with a style that keeps us engaged even on weeks that wear us down.
This from a Christian blogger who enjoys your posts every day — a couple of buddies have said if I was Jewish, female, OK … cute, and had more readers, I would be you! 🙂

MacBigot on November 6, 2008 at 12:43 am

Debbie, don’t feel too bad. As a Hindu, I’m more than used to brainless Hollywood celebs (an d British ones like the Beatles) appropriating my religion as a prop.

krishna69 on November 6, 2008 at 12:53 am

Debbie, Madonna’s association with the Kaballah Center seems fitting, as the KC people are also really successful you-know-whats. And although Jews don’t proselytize non-Jews, I do think we could use a modest PR campaign. If we could get M to go all the way frum, marry a rabbi and move to Israel, being Jewish might seem less nerdy to the kids.

Anonymous1 on November 6, 2008 at 8:53 am

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