July 31, 2013, - 2:00 pm

Meet People Mag’s New “Sexiest Man Alive”: The “Hunky Undocumented Immigrant” . . . Just in Time for Amnesty

By Debbie Schlussel

Welcome to illegal alien chick lit. Hot sex with an illegal alien–now apparently the magazine’s choice for “Sexiest Man Alive”–is the fantasy People magazine is now pushing.



People Magazine’s New “Sexiest Man Alive”: “Hunky” Illegal Aliens

The summer isn’t over yet, and while immigration amnesty remains on Congress’ front burner, People wants women across America to fall in love with “hunky undocumented immigrants” during summer beach reading. The magazine’s July 22nd issue uses its books section to pimp American chicks on Luanne Rice’s “The Lemon Orchard,” which sings the sexual praises of illegal aliens. Well, Jeb Bush did tell us that illegal aliens are “more fertile” (Swimming Lessons by Jeb?).

People book reviewer Sue Corbett practically orgasms on the written page over the fictional sexual properties of “Roberto, the undocumented immigrant who manages the estate” of relatives of Julia. “Julia, wealthy and educated,” is mourning her daughter’s suicide, while house-sitting the estate, which consists of her relatives’ citrus grove in Malibu. Roberto is apparently unlike the many illegal aliens in America who are on public entitlements, commit various crimes, and aren’t quite so sexy in any way, shape, or form.

There’s a whiff of the noble savage about Roberto, the hunky Mexican who unfreezes Julia’s heart.

Hmmm . . . is it “bigoted” to point out that there is indeed a “whiff” of something about many illegal aliens? The whiff I’ve encountered is neither noble or savage. It’s actually far more malodorous. The whiff of alcohol on many illegal alien drunk drivers. The whiff of sweat on many illegal aliens who take American construction and meatpacking plant jobs. The whiff of falafel and shawarmeh and explosives-making material on illegal aliens like convicted Hezbollah terrorist Mahmoud Kourani (who definitely ain’t “hunky”). The whiff of paint on that illegal alien Chinese chick who defiled the Lincoln Memorial.

Oh, and by the way, the “book” tells you about the source of Roberto’s major anguish–those nasty borders we try to maintain:

During his first attempt to cross the border, he was separated from his young daughter . . . . It’s justifying to watch Julia awaken to a challenge: Even if she can’t bring her own child back, perhaps she can help Roberto find out what happened to his.


Ya see? Secure borders is a bad thing. If the borders were secure, Julia wouldn’t be able to have mucho sex with hunky Roberto on the exotic Malibu citrus grove and help him find his illegal alien daughter.

So, when does the first illegal alien porno flick come out? (“Deep Throat a La Raza”?) Illegal alien candy? An illegal alien Fisher-Price doll?

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31 Responses

I guess it will be a permanent condition that we will be plagued by Julias.

Just like Julia in Obama’s campaign ads found fulfillment in the welfare state, the Julia in this book finds fulfillment in promoting illegal immigration. Beware of anything involving the name “Julia”.

Little Al on July 31, 2013 at 2:36 pm

The magazine should be called PINO.
People in name only.
Of course that applies to the entire technicolor rainbow spectrum they’ve got going on just in case anybody is feeling indignant and outraged.

ty for the abedin i been missing db on July 31, 2013 at 2:48 pm

A book that only a woman who write — or read. Unfortunately, there a great many females in this country who are stupid enough to buy this book. Next from the author: “Fifty Shades of Mestizos.”

Seek on July 31, 2013 at 2:56 pm

Let’s celebrate a fantasy with no basis in reality. That woman is mad.

Worry01 on July 31, 2013 at 4:04 pm

From of all places, can you imagine…


Perhaps the GANG OF 8 should have read this and sought consultation from “Down-Under”?

Dennis on July 31, 2013 at 4:11 pm

Here is a real illegal alien tale: http://www.wtop.com/109/3404543/Green-paint-popping-up-on-historic-icons-across-DC

There is nothing romantic or intriguing about it.

Worry01 on July 31, 2013 at 4:22 pm

I wish I had a subscription to People that I could cancel.

And while I fantasize, I can see possibilities here for a Mel Brooks musical comedy.

lee of the lower case "l" on July 31, 2013 at 4:29 pm

Citrus Grove in Malibu. When is this book set? I lived in Southern California from 1984 to 2004. There are no citrus groves in Malibu, not even up in the canyon. This author has never set foot in Malibu.

Fleiter on July 31, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Maybe she’s thinking of Oxnard – chock full o’ illegals and orchards up around there.

    DS_ROCKS! on July 31, 2013 at 6:26 pm


    #1 Vato on July 31, 2013 at 9:14 pm

Except that it does demonstrate the kind of societal lobotomy that is the ultimate design of social progressives.
The idiots at this school and related social worker eloi don’t even have any idea that they are part of the problem.

A prepubescent, emaciated little boy with black eyes scrounging for food in rubbish bins and nobody had any idea what was going on.
Teachers like this would have been fired and run out of town so fast their heads would spin back when I was a kid I’m quite sure of that.


ty for the abedin i been missing db on July 31, 2013 at 4:45 pm

with a supposed eating disorder. how common can that possibly be?

ty for the abedin i been missing db on July 31, 2013 at 4:50 pm

Oh brother! This planet has sure seen better days. What a bunch of stupid um-gala-gala. I bet Roberto would have been a valedictorian if he wasn’t illegal. Ole!

I guess I’ll say what many are thinkin’. I would NEVER believe this dopey tale…Mexicans are wicked short and in all of my half-Mexican life I have only seen ONE very handsome one. Eduardo Verastegui…one beautiful mutation does not a collective make. Es verdad!

I’m glad you called this nonsense out. Instead of keeping an eagle eye on the scourge of Mooooooslims and their evil deeds and crypto takeover, the low-infos wanna read this bilge. Depressing.

And making celebrities (the cover story) of those unfortunate gals is pretty rank, too. They should be afforded all the privacy they can get to help them re-build their lives with dignity.

Skunky on July 31, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    It is just another harlot romance.

    Worry01 on July 31, 2013 at 7:29 pm

We’re doomed as a civilized society.

AR on July 31, 2013 at 7:18 pm

The sequel could have Roberto working for a wealthy patron who has an unfortunate war injury. Mrs. patron has a lot missing in her life and the new hunk ploughing the back yard just might fill it. Milady’s Gardener – to be serialized in People real soon.

Nir Lieu on July 31, 2013 at 7:29 pm

This is yet another reason why it is hard to take women seriously, despite their constant harping that we do so.

Matt on July 31, 2013 at 8:25 pm

Well, I’ve spent more than half of my life in or near Malibu, and can’t remember ever seeing a citrus orchard. The property is too valuable for that. Now, if the author had made it a vineyard, which are at the moment trendy for some of the hillside properties, okay. But an orchard? Nah.

louie louie on July 31, 2013 at 9:02 pm

Ummm, wow, thanks Debbie, for making me laugh and nearly vomit at the same time. Is this tale loosely based on Tsarnaev’s idiot American “wife,” with the names, places and ethnicities changed to protect the innocent?

Since everyone’s complaining that they don’t “Got Citrus,” I can contribute a few key limes and grapefruits, which are starting to come in. No, I don’t have an orchard, but enough to praise The Lord for a wonderful bounty. The ten key limes I picked up when I arrived back down here two days ago, gave for a tad more than four glasses of delicious limeade. An’ if’n y’all kin wait ‘roun’ a bit, Ah kin gits me up da forteh fahve degree hill an’ check on dat citron tree, see if’n dere’s enneh fruits on thar.

Thanks again, Debbie, for nothing. Nothing but the cold, hard, TRUTH. We’re dead. And I haven’t eaten in nearly 77 hours. I’m OFF TO THE KITCHEN!!! The fast ended officially at 72 hours.

Alfredo from Puerto Rico on July 31, 2013 at 9:26 pm


Dinner Music

Worry01 on July 31, 2013 at 10:57 pm

So, Roberto gets separated from his daughter while sneaking in? I think there may actually be some truth to this harlot-quin novel. In fact, I looked for several hours for some d-bag who left his eight or nine year old daughter in the middle of the Sonoran Desert to save his own skin. His daughter was crying his name while I was crawling through the bushes looking for him. He never showed himself, and I know that he was close enough to see his daughter’s tear-stained face.
Such stories eat away at one’s soul. That is, unless you write drivel at PEOPLE Magazine, where the protagonist get’s the beautiful rich girl and his long lost daughter gets relief under the DREAM Act.
Why would we not punish people like Roberto who drag their children through hell, but instead we reward them with amnesty and a DREAM Act?

nadie on August 1, 2013 at 12:39 am

I know hundreds of illegals. Some are really decent folks, others are simply evil. The really decent folk are the most likely to get deported. Insane folk get free government lawyers. The rabbid get the ACLU. If you are a degenerate Somali Muslim who passionatly hates the USA, you have it made- how can we send a rabbid jihadi back to a place like Somalia, where even crazier Muslims will kill the poor person sent back?

EDS on August 1, 2013 at 1:13 am

Didn’t this story used to be called Lady Chatterley’s Lover? The there was W. Sommerset Maugham. I think his version was called Mrs. Cradock.

Miranda Rose Smith on August 1, 2013 at 2:14 am

    I think his version was called Mrs. Cradock.
    Maugham’s version was Mrs. CRADDOCK.

    Miranda Rose Smith on August 1, 2013 at 2:16 am

And why does it have a hetero woman and man as the main characters? I thought love was gender-blind? Why not a butch Lezzie flat-top being swept off hyrs (new non-gender-specific pronoun) combat-booted feet by a pre-op, man-to-wymyn Trannie femme?

Hmph. How conventional and closet-bigoted the majority of American women readers are.

DS_ROCKS! on August 1, 2013 at 3:20 am

    Quite right, DSR.

    skzion on August 1, 2013 at 12:02 pm

Hi DS – men are from Ma’s and women want their venus. Scattah sells.

Nir Lieu on August 1, 2013 at 6:10 am

Sheeple Magazine, the “Morning Moron” shows. Network (Propaganda) “News,” 90% of the programs on TV geared to society’s lowest common denominators, today’s “Edjykaturs” teaching our children, the continuing lowering of the quality of those serving (Themselves) in Public Service, etc. All geared to continue the dumbing down of our society. How many people today can even spell “Critical Thinking?”

Victoryman on August 1, 2013 at 8:53 am

So I guess American women can start cruising the Home Depot parking lot for their own personal noble savage.

MANGOG on August 1, 2013 at 9:23 am

Let me guess: They get married and he become a legal citizen. Upon receiving citizenship, he divorces her, like so many of their women do. He gets a huge settlement and finances anti-American groups. Is that how it goes?

On a side note, I was surprised to learn the green painter is Chinese and not a muslim (probably not, anyway). It was the first thing I thought when I learned it was green paint that was used to vandalize the Lincoln Memorial, since I know that green is significant in islam. I even kind of expected (hoped) DS would do a story on it.

Red Randy on August 1, 2013 at 9:59 am

I hear they are going to make this book into a movie and the role of Julia will be played by Senator John McCain.

Jonathan E. Grant on August 1, 2013 at 3:52 pm

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