By Debbie Schlussel

Can’t really recommend any of the new movies in theaters today. The only one even halfway decent is “Maleficent,” but see my many caveats in my review.

* “A Million Ways to Die in the West“: Before I start this review, I want to apologize to all of my Christian friends and readers on behalf of all of the Jewish people. My apology is for the very existence of an embarrassing disease known as Sarah Silverman, a va-JINO (my name for female Jews In Name Only) who mocks Christians and Christianity repeatedly in this awful, unfunny piece of crap parading as a movie. On the other hand, the movie was written, directed, and produced by Seth MacFarlane, an atheist of Scottish, Irish, and English descent, who also stars in it. He is responsible for this garbage that I’m sure will, sadly, do very well in theaters, and somebody else can do the apologies for him.

I didn’t like the excessive raunch in MacFarlane’s “Ted” (read my review), but at least that movie was very funny. This one wasn’t at all and makes “Ted” look like a masterpiece in comparison. Just gross. A guy defecating into two cowboy hats and an up close shot of the dung–that’s funny? A woman sucking and licking on a guy’s rounded mustache as foreplay–funny? No. Eeuuww–ding, ding, ding. And that was the case with pretty much every joke in this movie: sickening sophomoric stuff focusing on bathroom humor and bodily fluids from sex acts. I’m no prude, but you don’t need to be one to find this movie utterly disgusting and cringe-inducing. The only funny thing in this movie (and it was only very mildly funny) was a very brief tribute to “Back to the Future” (hint: Christopher Lloyd and a DeLorean make an appearance). The rest is just dumb. Oh, and by the way, using S- and F-words every other second doesn’t make you funny. Just weak.

I love the old West. If I had to choose a time in American history to live in other than today, I’d pick that time period. With Manifest Destiny and the settling of lands untouched previously by Western civilization, it was an exciting, industrious, and important time for America. And a time when cowboys and American masculinity was nurtured and thrived. My love for the old West runs in the family, as my cousin, Lillian Schlissel, wrote “Women’s Diaries of the Westward Journey.” But this movie, which is supposed to be a parody of Western movies . . . or something, is just a frat boy movie with modern day dialogue and sleaze wrapped up in Western window dressing, costumes, and accoutrements (a word that probably 99.999% of the people who pay to see this movie and mindlessly rave over it have never heard–and yes, snobbery is vastly underrated here).

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The “story”: MacFarlane plays a sheep farmer who is a loser. He owes people money, he can’t round up his sheep, he lives with his bitter, old parents, and his girlfriend (Amanda Seyfried–who sucks the mustache of Neil Patrick Harris, as I noted above) has just dumped him. To win her back, he challenges her new boyfriend, Harris, to a gun duel. But, as with everything else, he’s inept and can’t shoot. So he learns how to shoot from the mysterious new woman who’s come to town, Charlize Theron. Theron is secretly married to the meanest criminal in the West (Liam Neeson), who robs and kills people and will soon be in town to meet up with her. While MacFarlane is learning to shoot, he falls for Theron.

MacFarlane’s closest friends are religious Christians, played by Giovanni Ribisi and Sarah Silverman. Silverman is a prostitute who works in the town brothel and repeatedly engages in all kinds of sex acts with the patrons. But each time Ribisi asks here if she will have sex with him, she repeatedly responds, “No, we’re Christians. We have to wait until we’re married.” And there’s a scene mocking the town pastor, his church, and its congregants as total morons. Um, when will Seth MacFarlane make a comedy movie about a devout Muslim prostitute in a hijab who has ejaculate on her face and has bad breath from performing oral sex, like the “Christian” one in this movie? Or a movie that mocks a mosque? Won’t happen.

What also shouldn’t happen is your payment of ten dollars and waste of two hours of your time on this trash. Skip it. This is a national taste test. If you like it, you don’t have any.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR OBAMAS PLUS FOUR BIN LADENS

Watch the trailer . . .

* “Maleficent“: The first thing you need to know about this movie is that it stars and is executive produced by Angelina Jolie, the pan-Arabist cretinette who praised Palestinian kids for singing about their desire for terrorism against the Jewish people to get Jerusalem.

And while the special effects in this movie–based on the “Sleeping Beauty” fairy tale–were fabulous, the acting was good, and the story was suspenseful and entertaining enough (if slow-moving), the movie is too violent and scary for kids at whom it’s being heavily marketed. And it has the wrong messages, glorifying an evil-doer (blurring the line between what is evil and what is good) and portraying men as evil and violent, just plain dolts, or both. And the movie is basically an entire anti-male revenge fantasy for scorned women with no boundaries. If I had young kids, I doubt I’d take them to a movie in which the main character, a fairy, is essentially given a “ruphie” and dismembered. Would you?

The story: a young fairy, Maleficent, helps protect the land of the Moors from the evil mortals in the nearby kingdom. One day, she meets a poor mortal orphan boy who has trespassed into the Moors. She tells him to leave, but soon they become friends, and ultimately lovers. However, the boy, who is now a man, has more materialistic, mortal ambitions and soon abandons her for his desire to become king. Time and again, the current king keeps trying to enter the Moors and defeat the fairies so he can have this magical land for himself. Each time, he’s defeated by Maleficent who can fly and cast spells. From his sick bed, the king tells his subjects that he will appoint to be the next king the man who kills Maleficent. The man who once maybe loved Maleficent goes to see her and warns her the king has put a bounty on her head. But he also gives her a bottle to drink from, and she falls into a deep sleep. He gets out a sword and plans to plunge it into her, but decides to dismember her wings that grow out of her back. When she awakens with no wings, she repeatedly screams a primordial scream. It’s very melodramatic for kids.

This is where the movie becomes extremely dark, and Maleficent–a woman scorned and betrayed (and also the protagonist of this movie)–wants to get revenge on the king, the man who was once her boyfriend and who has mutilated her body. So she visits the castle and casts a spell on the king’s daughter, saying that on her 16th birthday, the princess will prick her finger on the needle of a spinning wheel, and she will fall into a deep, everlasting sleep until and unless she is kissed by her true love.

Maleficent watches as the king–to avoid the spell taking place–sends his baby daughter to seclusion to be raised by pixie fairies until the day after he 16th birthday. But Maleficent sees where the princess is and–with the help of a crow she has transformed back and forth to and from a human–she watches over the princess. Soon, she takes a liking to the innocent girl and comes to protect her, as the pixies are incompetent. She also comes to love her and tries to reverse the spell on the princess, now a teen girl (Elle Fanning).

No need to tell you all of the rest, except to say that throughout the movie, the viewers are manipulated into taking the side of the evil Maleficent, as the movie justifies her revenge against the evil man who wronged her, and later as she “seeks redemption” by trying to protect the princess, then trying to reverse the spell, and, finally, kissing her. You see, in this warped movie, the princess’ true love isn’t a male. It’s Maleficent. Huh? I mean, is lesbian pedophilia what they were going for here? Don’t count that out. The young prince of the traditional fairy tale is, in this version, a clumsy dope.

Whatever happened to stark good and evil characters of the Disney I grew up with? The Disney that didn’t bash men or traditional values and roles? That Disney is long dead and buried along with its namesake, apparently. And along with the stark good versus evil we once knew in the world. Today’s America, like this movie, says the evil are good and the good are evil. That the men are idiots and jerks. And the women are the strong and morally straight, even when they are the villains.

And while you say, “it’s only a movie,” sadly in the America of now, life imitates art.

TWO BETTY FRIEDANS PLUS TWO ANNOYING SHERYL SANDBERG LEAN-INS PLUS A MICHELLE LAVAUGHN ROBINSON HUSSEIN OBAMA IDI AMIN DADA

Watch the trailer . . .

* “The Immigrant“: Should be called, “Dear Jews, We Hate You, Love, Hollywood” or “Jewish Men Are Sleazy Pimps Who Force Innocent Virgin Polish Catholic Immigrants Into Prostitution & Ruin Their Lives.” That’s essentially the plot of this absolutely horrible, depressing, openly anti-Semitic movie lauded by critics and starring 9/11 Truther Marion Cotillard as the Polish chick.

Cotillard is Ewa (pronounced, “Ava”), an immigrant from Poland who has just arrived at Ellis Island with her sister in the early 1900s. They wait in line to be interviewed by an immigration inspector. But Ewa’s sister is sick and they send her to an infirmary, from which she can only be bailed out with a lot of bribe money Ewa doesn’t have. Then, the immigration inspector says Ewa cannot be admitted into the country because she exhibited that she was “a woman of loose morals” on the ship over to America. Actually, a sleazy pimp–posing as a kind Samaritan–has bribed the inspectors to deny her entry, so that he can “save the day.” The man, Bruno Weiss, tells Ewa he can help her if she comes with him. It is the beginning of his scam to con her and then force her into prostitution to pay him back and bail her sick sister out of the Ellis Island infirmary.

In case the viewer isn’t immediately aware that this purely evil pimp, Bruno Weiss, is Jewish (and he is played by apparently self-hating Jewish actor, Joaquin Phoenix), the people who made this movie hit you over the head with it. Bruno lives on New York’s Lower East Side and tells Ewa that he speaks Yiddish and Hebrew. Later on in the movie, the immigration inspectors he paid off and some other cops call him, “you dumb kike.”

Throughout this miserable ordeal, Ewa remains the prostitute with a heart of gold, and she goes to church to confess her sins to the Catholic priest, despite all of those who betrayed her. The only person who tries to rescue her is Emil (Jeremy Renner), Bruno’s wandering cousin who performs as “Orlando the Magician.” But that ends tragically.

I suffered through this fictional, Jew-hating movie wondering when there will be a flick about a Muslim pimp who forces a Jew or Christian into prostitution (that goes on every day in America, where, as I’ve detailed, devout Muslims in several sex slavery rings forced Christian women they kidnapped to perform sex acts for money). Of course I know the answer: never. It simply wouldn’t be tolerated. I was tremendously disgusted, but not the least bit surprised that among the names among the top producers of this movie were surnames like Levin, Shapiro, and Blavatnik. Yes, Jews can be anti-Semites against their fellow co-religionists, and that certainly includes Paul A. Levin, Greg Shapiro, and Len Blavatnik who made this modern-day celluloid Mein Kampf. Oh, and don’t forget the top Jewish self-haters here, the Weinstein brothers, Harvey and
Bob Weinstein, whose studio, The Weinstein Company, put the movie out.

I see movies like this–in which the villains are markedly Jewish–more and more. And, usually, they have many Jewish names attached to them. Goebbels’ ghost is having the last laugh.

FOUR HITLERS PLUS FOUR BIN LADENS PLUS FOUR ARAFATS

Watch the trailer . . .

* “Palo Alto“: I was once a fan of James Franco. What the heck was I thinking? This absolutely disgusting, pointless, horrible movie, parading as high-brow, coming-of-age teen angst cinema, is warped, and it’s based on the short stories he wrote (he also stars in this).

Only someone very sick in the head would dream up some of the disgusting dialogue and scenes. The movie is disturbing, and yet, predictably, mainstream media movie critics (all of them liberals) are raving over this slow, boring, time-wasting garbage. The movie is littered with relatives of Hollywood notables, including Julia Roberts’ niece and Eric Roberts’ daughter, Emma Roberts, and Val Kilmer’s son, Jack Kilmer, and it is directed by yet another Coppola, Gia Coppola (Frances Ford’s granddaughter, who also wrote the script), showing once again that what gets made and who gets cast in Hollywood is all about who you know (or to whom you are related), not talent. (The bloated balloon who used to be Val Kilmer also has a small role in this crappy film.)

The story (if you can call it that): several teens in high school smoke, do drugs, engage in various wanton sex acts with each other, and are all-around empty creeps. There are no real adults anywhere in this movie who exercise any discretion or parenting whatsoever, and they are barely around. One dad, though, offers his son’s friend pot and then tries to come on to the male friend. Emma Roberts is a babysitter for her high school soccer coach (Franco), who is also a teacher at the school. Soon, they begin having sex, but she finds out he’s also having sex with another female soccer player/babysitter from her high school. Jack Kilmer is a screw up who constantly drinks and gets high. He crashes into another car while drunk driving after he leaves a party in which the class slut has just given him oral sex. He repeatedly gets in trouble, but keeps getting breaks in the justice system. He also hangs out with a really bad kid who is crazy and repeatedly has sex with the same girl who gave oral sex to Jack Kilmer. And he draws penises on pictures in books in a children’s library. Then he deliberately drives his car the wrong way into oncoming traffic on the freeway. The end.

Yup, this is the dung-on-film I see more and more of coming out of Hollywood these days. And you wonder why America is sinking. Like I said before, life imitates art . . . and garbage posing to be art.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR OBAMAS PLUS FOUR BIN LADENS

Watch the trailer . . .