By Debbie Schlussel

The only new movie opening this weekend is “Captain America: Civil War.” Despite being a 2.5-hour-long mess which glorifies the United Nations, studios know this will dominate the box office take this weekend, and they didn’t want to compete.

I have a theory about bad directors: they’re almost always the ones who make movies that clock in at more than two hours. Movies that are WAY. TOO. LONG. And this is one of those movies, so count Anthony and Joe Russo on my list of bad filmmakers. Any director who thinks his lack of editing skills (despite a gaggle of editors on a multi-milion-dollar pic) and conceit qualifies as art is a guy who doesn’t deserve or get my respect. In this case, there are two of ’em.

And despite the many, many, many special effects, lots of action, and a smorgasboard of fights and feuds, the movie was kind of a bore. It’s overstuffed with far too many cast members, too, as pretty much every Marvel Comics superhero is in this. There’s a lot to keep track of. And I felt it was kind of a repeat of the DC Comics failed idea to have superheroes fight each other. We already saw it very recently in the long bore, “Batman v. Superman” (read my review). This time it’s Iron Man versus Captain America, and each of their Taylor-Swift-style “girl squads” of superheroes also taking up the fight.

The fight between superheroes is probably the only cool scene in the movie. It’s fun to watch the various superheroes try to take each other out with their various powers. Kind of like an endless “Rock Paper Scissors” game. And endless it is . . . because it goes on a little long. The most interesting players in the fight are Spiderman and Antman, who seem to be able to outwit the others.

So, why are they fighting? Well, there are actually two fight scenes. The first is over a United Nations treaty to force the superheroes to go under U.N. hegemony. I really hated this aspect of the movie. The United Nations is presented as some respect-worthy, morally-superior organization when in reality it is neither. We are told that something like 117 nations have voted for the treaty, so therefore, it must be good. What they don’t tell you is that most of these countries at the U.N are banana republics, Islamic extremists, and other assorted lowlife, backward, totalitarian dictatorships who hate America and the West and consistently support the most outrageous things at worst and the most idiotic policies at best.

Instead, in this movie, not only does the U.N have the moral high ground of sorts, but it is headed by a very decent, high-minded, moral leader who looks and sounds exactly like lowlife corruptocrat crook Kofi Annan and his equally crooked son, Kojo Annan. They took bribes and engaged in extortion, as well as helping direct funds to Saddam Hussein and Iran in violation of U.N. and other international embargoes in place at the time. (By the way, Nick Annan, who claims to be Kofi Annan’s nephew, was recently appointed Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) Special Agent in Charge of Georgie and the Carolinas, despite being responsible for an illegal undercover operation in which the main information was murdered by Mexican drug cartel operatives.)

Tony Stark/Iron Man supports the U.N. Treaty to take control of the superheroes. Captain America doesn’t. And so, the two of them and their superhero minions fight the big fight mentioned herein. But then, there is yet another fight between Iron Man and “Cap” (he is called “Cap” throughout the movie because you aren’t allowed to call anything good by the name “America” anymore–at least in the world according to Hollywood, and, apparently, Disney). And that other fight is so much inside baseball that you need a refresher or tutorial from the previous Captain America movies to figure out what is going on and what it’s about. You can still see this movie on its own, but there are a lot of references that will be confusing to you if you haven’t seen or can’t remember the previous “Cap” installments.

In any event, there is so much going on here, and barely anything villainous. The few villains are brief co-stars: a German criminal posing as a government psychiatrist and the “winter soldier,” Cap’s friend, Bucky. Their missions and roles in this movie are confusing. And this movie is so overstuffed and has so much going on, that I just didn’t care.

A few other things of note:

* This movie has a new Spiderman, played by Tom Holland. And his Aunt May is now played by Marisa Tomei, who keeps looking younger and younger, thanks to artificial means I’m sure. She is the best-looking Aunt May yet, as she looks 41, not her actual 51. Aunt May is supposed to be an old, naive, dowdy lady, or so I thought.

* My jaw dropped when a character says Captain America is “off the reservation.” It’s funny how both Hillary Clinton and Hollywood liberals can get away with using this politically-incorrect phrase that makes American Indians cringe, but if Donald Trump had said it, all hell would break loose.

* I could’ve done without Anthony Mackie as “The Falcon,” accusing someone of trying to frame him and describing the person as “getting all Mark Fuhrman on my ass.” Um, Mark Fuhrman, a detective and witness at the O.J. Simpson trial, never planted evidence or framed anyone. He didn’t plant Simpson’s blood on the gloves that were found at the scene, nor did he plant the gloves themselves, despite what race-card player Johnny Cochran implied at the trial. But, sadly, the moronic masses who see this movie will believe that with this latest reference claiming there was some sort of frame-up of O.J. Simpson. Did we really need this “Black Lives Matter” BS in the movie? Nope.

* At one point, Cap says that the superheroes who were not born in America are not U.S. citizens so they will be deported. Newsflash: we aren’t deporting anyone. And here’s another tip: the illegal aliens in this country are for the most part, neither super nor heroes. They are criminals and lawbreakers, job-stealers, and welfare-and-entitlements parasites. Some are terrorists. Others are drunk drivers, rapists, and murderers. I have yet to see an illegal alien with a single superpower. Sorry.

* As a Russian speaker, I can tell you the Russian in this movie is a joke. Ditto for the in-and-out Eastern European accent of Elizabeth Olsen as “The Scarlet Witch.”

Like I said, this movie is kind of a mess, too long, and with too many characters and silly reasons for their contrived fights. That said, it’s better than the previous “Captain America” movie, “The Winter Soldier” (read my review). And the major superhero-versus-superhero civil war fight scene is entertaining if a little drawn out and contrived.

This isn’t a great movie. Not even close. It barely has a plot. And it’s not something I’d pay ten-bucks-plus to see. But at least “Cap” (again, very annoying that he’s not referred to as Captain AMERICA!) has the good sense to see what a joke the United Nations and its treaties are.

HALF A REAGAN

Watch the trailer . . .