July 13, 2006, - 3:53 pm

Darwin Awards Revisited: Stupid Hip-Hop Trend Causes Health Risks

By Debbie Schlussel
Natural selection of idiots and survival of the non-stupid class takes place every day. The latest repeat winners of the Darwin Awards should be hip-hoppers.
If you’re hip to pop culture trends as we are, you’ve no doubt noticed the latest stupid hip-hop status symbol over the last few years: grills.
What are grills, you ask? They’re dental accessories that look like very ugly (and painful) braces worn over the jaded, phony smiles of rap artists and other assorted malefactors. The removable fixtures fit over front teeth and snap into place, usually made of gold or platinum and studded with diamond inlays. They can cost thousands of dollars and are yet another gaudy chapter in the look-at-me-and-the-riches-I-got hip-hop world. (We’d use the word “bling,” but we got the memo a couple of years ago. That word is out.)

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Rapper Paul Wall (w/Name in Grills); Diamond Grill

Rapper Nelly wrote a song glorifying them, “Grillz,” gushing over robbery of jewelry stores to make these absurd mouth appliances:

Rob the jewelry store and tell ‘em make me a grill.
Dirrty, R&B.
Add da whole top diamond and the bottom Row’s gold.
Yo we bout to start a epidemic wit dis one
Ya’ll know what dis is… So So Def
Got 30 down at the bottom, 30 mo at the top
All invisible set in little ice cube blocks
If I could call it a drink, call it a smile on da rocks
If I could call out a price, let’s say I call out a lot
I got like platinum and white gold, traditional gold
I’m changin grillz errday, like Jay change clothes,
I might be grilled out nicely (oh) In my white tee (oh),
On South beach (oh) in my wife beat.
V V and studded you can tell when they cut it
Ya see my granmama hate it, but my lil mama love it . . . .
What it do baby
It’s da ice man Paul Wall
I got my mouth lookin somethin like a disco ball
I got da diamonds and da ice all hand set
I might cause a cold front if I take a deep breath
My teeth gleaming like I’m chewin on aluminum foil
Smilein showin off my diamonds sippin on some Pinot Noir
I put my money where my mouth is and bought a grill
20 carrots 30 stacks let ‘em know im so fo real
My motivation is from 30 pointers V VS the furniture my mouth
Piece simply symbolize success
I got da wrist wear and neck wear dats captivatin
But it’s my smile dats got these on-lookers spectatin
My mouth piece simply certified a total package
Open up my mouth and you see mo carrots than a salad
My teeth are mind blowin givin everybody chillz
Call me George Foreman cuz I’m sellin everybody grillz

Yum, chewing on aluminum foil. Sounds like a real pleasurable experience. Delish. Yet another sign there’s no accounting for good taste–literally AND figuratively–in America.

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Nelly and the rest of this silly portion of our culture apparently think their mouths are the fronts of Jeep Grand Cherokees and H2 Hummers. Do they think they should brush with Turtle Wax and anti-freeze, too? More swell photos of grill-wearing dummies here.
Now comes word that from dentist Dr. Matt Messina of the American Dental Association that grills harbor bacteria, are hard on teeth and gums, and cause lasting damage to various areas of the mouth. Gum infections, irritations, and cavities are just some of the costs of this latest, absurd hip-hop waste of money. It’s Mother Nature’s way of fighting back against the uber-ludicrous (not to be confused with rapper “Ludacris”).
Reasonable human forces are noting the ridiculous and in appropriate nature of grills on teens. The Suburban Dallas school district of Arlington, Texas recently banned grills. Good for them.
Well, nobody said the rap world was synonymous with wisdom. In fact, it appears there’s a very strong negative correlation between the two.
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17 Responses

My pick for worst looking grills is for boxer Zab Judah;he’s probably taken up the most computer space for “fans” speculating,for example,
‘What’s that shit in Judah’s mouth?’(google- grills on Zab Judah’s teeth).If I were his attorney,I’d argue that his grills were a major factor in causing him to be fined $250,000 with a year’s suspension for his last fight,in which he lost the title to Floyd ‘Pretty Boy’ Mayweather-another rap guy-but without grills.

jaywilton on July 13, 2006 at 4:46 pm

Jesus christ, and they say rock music is weird?

KOAJaps on July 13, 2006 at 4:54 pm

I’ve said before, and i’ll say it again: Hip-Hop is the celebration of STUPIDITY!

Yiddish Steel on July 13, 2006 at 5:06 pm

Well, the upside to all the damage being done is these rappers have way more money than they know what to do with. So, when the teeth start getting bad they can go to a dentist and get them fixed. Actually, these people are so dull,bad teeth will be the least of their problems.

CoolToTheEnd on July 13, 2006 at 5:29 pm

So let me get this straight:
“Bling” is so yesterday, but “def” is still hip?
Who makes this stuff up?
(N.B. I think “hip-hop”–the culture, the music, the whole nine yards–is about the most useless tripe ever to afflict a free society. The sooner it dies, the better.
(Can you believe it was only “yesterday” that Miles Davis was a cutting-edge rebel? A guy that could actually play his instrument?)

bpolhemus on July 13, 2006 at 7:41 pm

Hip-Hop is a criminal culture that has its roots in the prison system. I never ceases to amaze me that people buy this crap..it is grammer school level lyrics that do not even rhyme. What do you expect from people that do not even graduate from junior high.
What ticks me off is the Corporate assholes that support this rot gut culture and its music.

ScottyDog on July 13, 2006 at 7:43 pm

I must be getting old, because when I was younger the worst thing to happen would be to have to wear braces.
I don’t know which is dumber, grillz, baggy pants, or wearing baseball caps backward. (But, it all looks good on you, Dantard).
Wasn’t it Mencken who said you’d never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public? Here’s proof.

The_Man on July 13, 2006 at 8:15 pm

Debbie I had braces as a kid so I guess I was cool after the fact. Anyway I’ve noticed that the underclass is really good at self-inflicted wounds like drugs, alcohol, violence, obesity, now the grills. Nice to see my tax dollars hard at work.

shleppy on July 14, 2006 at 12:31 am

On a related note:

Progress?
[Jason Mattera 07/13 09:07 AM]
Why isn’t it a good idea to invite rapper Fat Joe to your student conference? Because he might start off with something like this, courtesy of The Washington Post:
Rapper Fat Joe, speaking on a panel yesterday at the Campus Progress National Student Conference in D.C., took the inevitable question on how he feels about the representation of women in hip-hop. “Y’all might as well throw spears at me now,” he said. “Y’all are going to throw me out, but I think they’re bitches and hos.”
http://phibetacons.nationalreview.com/post/?q=NzQ1ZDdkMmRjNzY0OTI2ZGU1ZGI4OTJlZjZhYjc4ZDQ

Eric on July 14, 2006 at 7:29 am

Ah yes,well at least we can recognize an idiot from 100 yards away.Rap culture,lack of talent,having some asswipe wear his pants down to their knees. Well check out this video,this kid has genuine skills and can play the hell out of an instrument.ENJOY!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5666429598115503824

Chiefscotty24 on July 14, 2006 at 7:18 pm

i actually lik grills nd i wouldnt consider meh self wearing them but if the hip hop culture wants to wear them den so be it. and i dnt think there would b a problelm if the rock nd roll culture was wearing them… I love hip hop

TWIN on September 17, 2009 at 8:30 am

Rich ass nigga with a mouth full la gold. Hey hippys had acid yeah guess hippies spent their money more wisely. I do like gucchi cause it’s easy to remember the words. And I’m an old 50 something hippie with not many brain cells left. Whatever!! Hay I started the whatever gotta go watch dancing with the stars. Call my daughter ask her what city she’s squatting in and ask her my grandson pit is doing.

Bridge on April 18, 2011 at 9:31 pm

y’all want to hate anything you don’t understand , be more diverse . silver or gold teeth where actually a sign of poverty so long ago when people couldnt afford dentist , now there a sign of success . . . either way your going to hate them . . . so go on , be mad about something you dont understand and have no control over . . that just makes YOU ALL MAD AND IGNORANT haters ;)

DjPRINCE on August 22, 2011 at 11:48 pm

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