August 16, 2010, - 4:47 pm
I’ve written repeatedly about that Weird Nuisance Brought on America a/k/a the WNBA over the years (some of my past anti-WNBA produce: here, here, here, here, and here). But I quit because it was just too easy of a target and I had nothing new to say. It’s the same old thing every year: women (or so their doctors claim) who look like men play basketball worse than girls in a pro sports league that is the equivalent of ants urinating on a sidewalk. No-one notices. And no-one cares. The only thing I notice is their weird ball, which looks like Bozo or a trained seal once used it, and now it’s been retired to the land of the Not-So-Jolly Green Giantette.
He? She? . . . It! –The WNBA
As I always say: how many overhead layups can you watch in slo-mo before you get a headache? For the WNBA fanatics–all three of you, that’s what’s known as a rhetorical question. The WNBA is affirmative action shouldered by NBA advertisers and ticketholders forced against their will to subsidize this butch-chick basketball league. That’s why it also stands for “Will Net Bupkus for America.” I’m bored with it, even though WNBA players repeatedly attacked me and sent me written middle-finger salutes. It’s the only attention they got, and the WNBA tires me. Old, stale, yawn . . . next.
But, now, six-foot, five-inch tall WNBA center Yelena Leuchanka is upset that people think the way I do. She’s upset that people think WNBA players “all look like guys.” And with women bigger and taller than most men, and fans who consist of women in brush-cuts trying to look like men, how on earth would people ever think that?
So, Leuchanka–of the WNBA’s Atlanta Dream (sounds more like a nightmare to me, but, hey, that’s just me, ‘cuz I’m afraid of women who look like Scottie Pippen . . . and lest I be called racist, women who look like Larry Bird scare me, too)–has started modeling at fashion shows and wants players to wear heels and dresses to team appearances. I’m just wondering: where would a 6’5″ woman find heels–at the same store that sells “Cross Your Heart” hammock bras? Maybe it’s called, “Goliathetta’s Shoe Shack.”
Let’s be realistic–men would watch more women’s basketball if there were a lot of pretty girls.
No, men would watch more women’s basketball, if they played basketball better than the men in the NBA . . . or somewhere even close to it. And they can’t. So why watch someone that looks like a man, but plays basketball worse than your son’s junior varsity high school basketball team? Why take choice when you can have prime? And the WNBA isn’t even choice. More like, select or dogfood. Just sayin’.
She is on to something with the “pretty girls” thing, though. The dynamic with people and male pro sports–as I’ve written a gazillion times–is that men wanna be them and women wanna date (euphemism) them. With the WNBA, there are neither of those dynamics, unless you’re talking about Melissa Etheridge and Ellen Degeneres, and there simply aren’t enough of them to fill the WNBA stands or ever make it cool. . . even if they merged it with a sensible shoes wholesale warehouse.
And, yes, people can’t help how nature makes them grow to certain heights, and it’s not right to mock them. But it’s human nature: most men are hunters. They don’t want to feel like prey. Most red-blooded guys are not gonna want to be in a relationship where the chick has to wear flats and they still need her to crane her neck down for a kiss. Yes, there are the weirdos with strange fetishes, just as there are chubby chasers. But they aren’t most people.
That’s why the WNBA was a huge mistake. They have no product: either in the looks or skill category. They play worse than women and look like guys. And they have no customer base . . . unless you count the NBA fans and sponsors forced to pay for their free ride.
You can’t put lipstick on a pig when it’s an ant urinating. No-one will even see the lipstick. Sorry, Yelena.
Tags: wnba, Yelena Luchanka