April 15, 2011, - 6:04 pm
The only worthwhile movie, this weekend–and not by much–is the Civil War movie. The rest is populated by so much garbage and liberal crap, it’s sad. I did not see “Rio.”
* “The Conspirator“: The most interesting thing about Mary Surratt is not in this movie: that the Washington, DC boarding house she ran–where John Wilkes Booth and others originally hatched the plot against Lincoln–is now a Chinese restaurant. Surratt (played by Robin Wright, Sean Penn’s ex-wife) was charged with conspiracy to murder Lincoln because Booth other Confederate conspirators, and Surratt’s son originally hatched a plan to kidnap President Abraham Lincoln, as well as other members of his administration. Ultimately, it turned into a murder plot, as we know, with Boothe assassinating Lincoln.
The movie, directed by Robert Redford–or as I like to call him, Robert the Red–is sure to conjure up predictable, stale, whining liberal criticisms of America’s treatment of Gitmo detainees. The movie focuses on whether Surratt was entitled to a civilian trial with a jury of her peers. She was denied one and tried, instead, by a military tribunal. Redford says he didn’t mean to conjure up Gitmo, but he’s clearly lying. The movie is very sympathetic to Surratt and presents her as an innocent wrongly accused and taking the fall for her son. But many historians believe the evidence proved otherwise–that she knew exactly what was going on and aided and abetted it.
Also obvious in this movie is your typical liberal sympathies for single mothers. The movie portrays Surratt as a single mother done wrong. Her conspirator son fled the country, leaving her to take the fall for him and Lincoln’s murder, and she relies on her daughter, played by Evan Rachel Wood, to help in her defense.
The story here is about a Union soldier who becomes Surratt’s lawyer, despite not wanting to and seeing it as a betrayal of the Union. But as he tries his best to uncover the truth and fight for her rights, he changes his mind regarding her guilt and the fairness of her trial. The man went on to edit the Washington Post, so clearly, his quest for truth and justice ended with the conclusion of the Surratt trial.
Years ago, I saw a TV movie about Surratt, and I liked that a little better, as it appeared to be more historically accurate. Still, most people know little about Lincoln’s assassination beyond the basic fact that Booth killed him at the theater. The details of the plot should interest any history buff, especially Civil War enthusiasts, and most of those details are in less dispute. I found the movie a little slow and dull, but it was still interesting and enjoyable. Just don’t take it for an accurate portrayal of history. It’s clearly a politically charged and agenda-laden telling of the events, and if you watch it with that in mind, it’s worth seeing.
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Meet Monica Velour“: Porky’s with expired anti-aging cream. Absolutely awful. This piece of garbage made me cringe. Painful to watch, and if I didn’t have to review it, I’d have walked out early on. It’s that bad. As you’ll recall, earlier in the week, I criticized JARC, a Jewish organization for the mentally disabled, for showing this flick as a fundraising event. I thought the movie would be sleazy and stupid. But those are the understatements of the year. Absolute crapola.
Kim Cattrall plays Monica Velour, an aging porn star who is reduced to stripping at sleazy local strip clubs for money, so she can pay a lawyer to get her young daughter back from her ex-husband. A young geek, just graduating from high school is her biggest fan. He has all of her X-rated movies and her posters and pin-ups, and his dream is to meet Monica. At 17, he drives across the country to see her strip at a strip club where he gets beaten up by other patrons. The geek fawns all over Monica, who has lost her looks and is a total loser and a miserable failure living in an Indiana hicktown, and seeks to help her . . . and to lose his virginity to her.
The movie is just sickening, completely dumb, and a long, boring waste of time. I couldn’t wait to get out of the theater. People watching porn tapes with silly double entendres, photos of giant vibrators and scenes of topless strippers with breast implants that are way too big–that’s not masterful movie making. It’s movies by people who never grew up and who never had class. Nothing redeeming here, including the two hours I wasted I’ll never redeem.
Oh, and here’s a tip for JARC, the organization for the mentally disabled: you might wanna think twice about showing a movie that uses “you half-assed retard” as an insult, at your fundraisers. Did you really not see the hypocrisy?
This is exactly the kind of trashy movie the Bin Ladens of the world use to incite hatred against the West. And in this case, they have something of a point (despite their hypocrisy on these issues).
FOUR MARXES PLUS A BIN LADEN
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Scream 4“: Been there, seen that . . . three times before. And it’s gotten old, way too old. Mostly this movie was stupid and not scary. But that wasn’t the point. The point is to go overboard in trying to parody itself and other horror movies. Oh, and also to introduce us to Scream . . . the Next Generation, so that some people in Hollywood can continue to make these dumb movies and clean up in the bank account. And, you know what? The next generation ain’t that appealing. Someone ought to tell Hollywood that Rory Culkin, McCauley’s younger brother, looks like a transvestite geek with that long hairstyle. Having him and the other “new Scream generation” repeatedly utter four letter words doesn’t make the movie any more entertaining.
The beginning of the movie was cool and funny . . . for like the first ten minutes. Everything was downhill from there. Schlocky, silly, and a waste of time. But it’s “Scream,” so you know what you’re gonna get: rehashed, non-stop bloody stabbings by someone in a ghost face mask and robe. Big whoop. Come up with something new, Hollywood.
Looks, though, like at least they might finally retire Courtney Cox and her estranged husband, David Arquette. Or maybe not. Either way, this was dullsville. Not thrilling. Not even close. Also, I could’ve done without all the substandard local Detroit news reporters and anchors whoring themselves out in this movie for their Michigan Film Tax Credit-subsidized cameos. Begone, shameless media whores.
Watch the trailer. . .
* “The Music Never Stopped“: I had mixed feelings about this movie. On the one hand, it’s liberal propaganda vilifying every American who stands up against burning the American flag and every American who opposed the slimy hippie anti-Vietnam war protesters. On the other hand, it does tell the touching story of a father who truly cared about his son and reconnected with him after a long absence. Still, I mostly hated it. And it is definitely the most depressing film I’ve seen in ages, especially if you experienced the death of a parent with whom you were close, as I did recently.
This is the story of parents who lost their son in the late ’60s or early ’70s because the father, a military veteran, was upset that his spoiled son was burning the flag and in the anti-war movement during the Vietnam War. The son left, and when they reconnect, it is a couple of decades later, and their son has been found in a hospital recovering from a brain tumor that has affected his ability to have any short-term or even long-term memories. The only memories he has are when he listens to specific songs from his past and remembers what happened in his life at the time.
As I said, it’s depressing, and many of the memories are things like strife-filled arguments after flag-burning. Sorry, Hollywood, but those who opposed the flag-burnings, those who supported the troops instead of spitting on them and losing the war for them here on the streets in protests and marches–those who opposed these things and were, instead, proud Americans, those were the good people, the good parents, despite the way this movie vilifies them. Supporting your country and opposing brazen destruction of the flag does not cause brain tumors, and it doesn’t cause complete, pathetic memory loss.
Like I said, I was touched by the relationship the father develops with his son and how they reconnect. But it wasn’t enough to redeem the very strong statements it makes against American patriots and their quality as parents.
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Super“: Will Hollywood ever stop making gratuitously sleazy, anti-Christian movies like this? Sadly, no. But, like all of those with that description, this movie, too, is utter crap. Painful. I struggled to stay awake and to not walk out on this in the middle. It was boring, stupid, violent, bloody, and mocks Christians.
Rainn Wilson plays a loser husband, whose addict wife, Liv Tyler, leaves him for her drug dealer, a mobster boss thug played by Kevin Bacon. Wilson vows to get her back by donning a superhero outfit and fighting crime on the streets. But many of the people he violently beats and /or shoots to death are not criminals, or they’re just people who rubbed him the wrong way. His partner in crime–who also dons a superhero outfit–is the ever-dull, always annoying Ellen Page, who has sex with him while he’s wearing his superhero mask.
Oh, and the anti-Christian part: we are constantly shown scenes from some Christian cable TV channel, featuring a show with a dopey, preachy, moronic Christian superhero (Nathan Fillion), who tells people to be good and believe in the Bible. I know that’s not dopey or moronic, but the movie’s attitude is that it is and is to be mocked.
FOUR MARXES PLUS AN OBAMA PLUS A BIN LADEN
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: Abraham Lincoln, anti-Christian, Civil War, Confederacy, Courtney Cox, David Arquette, Evan Rachel Wood, JARC, Kevin Bacon, Kim Cattrall, Lincoln, Liv Tyler, Mary Surratt, Meet Monica Velour, movie, movie review, Movie Reviews, Nathan Fillion, porn star, Rainn Wilson, Robert Redford, Robert the Red, Robin Wright, Rory Culkin, Scream 4, Super, The Conspirator, The Music Never Stopped