July 22, 2011, - 8:27 pm

Wknd Box Office: Captain America, Friends w/ Benefits, Tabloid

By Debbie Schlussel

Per usual, there isn’t anything spectacular at the box office, but the best pick–very relatively-speaking is “Captain America:  The First Avenger.”

*  “Captain America:  The First Avenger“:  Steve Rogers is proud to be American and wants more than anything to kill Nazis.  Problem is that the filmmakers ain’t so proud to be American and don’t really want people to hate Nazis, so they eliminated American military insignia and Nazi swastikas from the equation.  Read my complete review.

ONE-AND-A-HALF REAGANS
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*  “Friends With Benefits“:  I liked this better than the first time I saw it back in January, when it was called, “No Strings Attached” (read my review).  But not that much better.  It was still vile, pointless, and predictable from the first five minutes forward.  And, yes, it’s nearly the identical plot as the awful “No Strings”:  guy and girl who are attracted to each other but not dating agree to just have sex with no romance or emotions.  And predictably, as in the first incarnation, one or both start to have romantic feelings, they have a big melodramatic shouting and crying match, and then make up and live happily ever after, after all that empty sex.  Awww . . . touching.  Yes, it’s a chick flick that tries to cross dress as a vile Judd Apatow movie but just can’t go both ways.  And I hate both genres, so it’s even worse when they mix.  And I could do without the usual measure of melodrama, crying, and yelling.  Yuck.

I despise Justin Timberlake and I used to like Mila Kunis, until I saw her in this movie.  He cannot act, and she got on my nerves.  And it’s the usual story of how the girl didn’t have a dad because her loser mother slept around.  Who cares?  I didn’t.  There are some funny lines in this, but mostly it’s just groanworthy, cheesy, and vulgar.  No charm here.  If you want to see the over-rated Timberlake’s naked butt and the same for Kunis, this is your movie.  For everyone with taste, this ain’t your movie.  It’s all about promoting promiscuity, which we’ve already had decades of . . . and the results:  diseases, kids born out of wedlock and having no fathers in their lives, millions of single mothers, the breakdown of the American family, etc.

In watching this movie, I was like the stereotype of a guy having sex (as promoted in a joke in this movie).  After a minute, I was done.

TWO MARXES
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Watch the trailer . . .

*  “Tabloid“:  During this whole movie, I kept thinking, “Why the heck am I still sitting through this f–king movie?”  Answer:  because if I walk out in the middle of a screening, I’m not allowed to review the movie.  The movie wasn’t just anti-Mormon, it was nuts.  And it made me waste two hours of my life on a trivial, insignificant trollop.  Is there really such a dearth of valid documentary topics and material that the crazy Joyce McKinney is now worthy of wasting my time and the big screen near you?

This “documentary” is about a bleeping crazy woman, McKinney, who was once Miss Wyoming in the Miss USA Pageant.  A nutjob bimbo, in the mid-1970s, she fell in love with a Mormon missionary (Kirk Anderson) because she drove a Corvette and he drove a Corvette.  But she wasn’t a Mormon and after they allegedly slept together, she thought they would get married.  He disappeared to England to go on his Mormon mission.

Joyce worked three jobs (or so she says), one of them being a prostitute, another being a nude model, so she could save enough money to charter a jet to fly to England, kidnap the Mormon, chain him to a bed on the English countryside, and rape him back to liking her.  She carried out her plans, then got arrested for kidnapping and was about to stand trial, which she escapes by using disguises and fleeing Great Britain.

I absolutely hated this woman and couldn’t stand to hear her talk after about the first ten minutes.  Oh, and did I mention that later in life she spends $150,000 to clone her favorite dog, Booger, in South Korea.  Yup, she’s “barking mad,” as one of the English commentators in the movie noted.  And why was it necessary to constantly bash and mock Mormons throughout this movie, when it was clear they are the relatively normal and moral ones, not this crazy lady skank and the gay activist dude?

Not that I cared about this crazy chick, the story, or anything in this movie, but the documentarians didn’t really do much of a documentary.  They mostly just interviewed this nutjob, along with an anti-Mormon gay activist, the charter pilot, and a couple of English reporters.  And they failed to answer the only questions I had:  what the heck does this lunatic loser do for a living that she can afford to sit around and do nothing and has $150,000 to spend on cloning a dog?  Where did she get the money?  They don’t think to tell you.  But, again, like the rest of this crazy movie, I really didn’t care much.

THREE MARXES
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Watch the trailer . . .

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25 Responses

I’m still generally okay with Kunis. I don’t necessarily fall for the nonsense hype being pushed by some on the right that she is some sort of conservative just because she’s taking a photo-op at the Marine Ball, but she at least acts somewhat less entitled than most of the supposed celebrities her age. Furthermore, she hasn’t been afraid to cite Soviet anti-Semitism as the reason for her family’s decision to come to the United States, rather than falling in line with the leftist declaration that Gorbachev was some sort of crusader for freedom and human rights.

That said, she has been in some crappy movies lately, and this looks like another. The butt apparently isn’t hers though.

Brian R. on July 22, 2011 at 10:22 pm

I saw Captain America and I can’t think of another superhero movie I’ve ever seen that bored me so much. Watching the movie was like eating burnt oatmeal. I agree with your other criticisms of the film, too.

I also saw Friends with Benefits. As you say, it was vulgar and cheesy. The characters are repulsively hip in the way that teens who think they know everything but actually know nothing are. Timberlake is of course perfect for that role. This is the third film in a year based on the premise of a couple that decides to have sex without romantic complications (don’t forget besides No Strings Attached which you mentioned the Gyllenhaal movie Love & Other Drugs). In this film, the Patricia Clarkson character tells us why this premise has become such a fad; she plays an aged hippie who likes the idea because it reminds her of the promiscuity of the sixties and seventies. That’s what this is, then: nostalgia by spoiled baby boomers who are today’s Hollywood screen writers.

I also saw A Better Life which essentially is a putdown of Americans who don’t treat illegal aliens with more dignity. It was heart-breaking to watch this story about our new resentful Mexican underclass and realize the destruction that liberals in both parties have wrought to our country because of their greed and foolishness.

Burke on July 22, 2011 at 10:41 pm

An article about how Mila Kunis had a say in the selection of who was going to play the part of her buttocks in this film popped up on my Yahoo homepage today. I didn’t click on it.

Whenever she’s on a talk show, I like to crack myself up by just listening, while not looking at the TV screen. That way, it always sounds like the host is interviewing Meg Griffin.

Irving on July 23, 2011 at 12:17 am

Mila Kunis is not a conservative. She said in Elle that she loves Obama.

dee on July 23, 2011 at 1:12 am

    Oh, so Mila Kunis admits to two things in one frief statement: a) she loves Obama b)she’s stupid

    shegundala on July 23, 2011 at 12:53 pm

      Fuck you realy gives all idiots a face. Burn in hell1

      bjorn on July 24, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Hello Debbie!

So what do you think of the Oslo bombing and shooting a few hours ago? I guess if we find out that one of the persons involved had a cousin who used to be flatmate with a guy who had a muslim girlfriend, you’ll probably write something like: “I knew it! Another terrorist attack from the islamo-fascists!”. If however, despite all your investigation you don’t succeed in blaming the muslims, you’ll probably just keep quiet…

John on July 23, 2011 at 1:37 am

    I think we know who the troll is here, don’t we John?

    Nir Leiu on July 23, 2011 at 1:25 pm

John, Debbie never did say anything at all about the Norway killings. Get a grip. Just who’s jumping to conclusions John? You are the one who accuses Debbie of wanting to blame the Norway terror on Muslims, when she hasn’t said anything!!

If it turns out that a right-wing native Norwegian is responsible (it’s early days yet, was there just one killer?), how would this change the fact that the Islamist menace remains? Also don’t extreme right-wingers also hate the Jews? Just like the Norwegian Left for that matter. Oh wait John never stopped to think about any of this, then again he wouldn’t. Thinking is not his style.

Larry in Tel Aviv on July 23, 2011 at 3:24 am

Relax, Larry. The point I am making here is that Debbie only talks about crimes when she can somehow blame some muslims. And you know my “style” after reading 6 lines from me? lol you’re a troll.

John on July 23, 2011 at 7:17 am

    There is no evidence right now that Muslims weren’t involved. There was a Muslim involved in the Oklahoma bombing, and a Palestinian Muslim just “happened” to film the Virginia Tech shootings.

    Muslim groups have claimed responsibility for the Norway shootings, and there is a second gunman missing.

    Muslims love this type of massacre and it helps their jihad, so it is probable that they had something to do with it, as they did with the Oklahoma bombing and most likely the Virginia Tech massacre.

    JM on July 23, 2011 at 9:39 am

Thanks for the take on Timberlake, Deb. I don’t get it either. But then again, he’s really just one of the countless nothings who have somehow become bankable in this Jackson Pollocked culture of ours(…The Kardoucheians, Paris Hilton, etc.,) Go get ‘em little Jackie Evancho–help the world wake up. (Ahh–the hell with ‘the world’ just go have fun kid)

shegundala on July 23, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Speaking of Mila Kunis you guys, she plays the voice of “Meg Griffin” on Family Guy! I’ll continue to watch Family Guy each week, I’m not going to boycott the show because one of the characters on that show is in bed with Obama.

As Voltaire once said in his days, “Though I may disagree what your saying, but I’ll fight to the death your right to speak your mind”. Since Mila Kunis is a Obamaite, she’s entitled to be an Obamaite zombie, even though I completely disagree with her with that. BTW Debbie, what’s your take on the Smurfs? I used to watch that cartoon in the 1980s when I was a little child and I liked watching the Smurfs.

“A nation is defined by its borders, language & culture!”

Sean R. on July 23, 2011 at 1:03 pm

So, you liked Mila Kunis after BLACK SWAN (see this link: http://vigilantcitizen.com/moviesandtv/the-occult-interpretation-of-the-movie-black-swan-and-its-message-on-show-business/) but not after a movie version of a far superior “Seinfeld” episode (with Jerry and Elaine playing the Timberlake and Kunis roles)? As far as despising Timberlake … what has he ever done that was as bad as Black Swan? His music and acting have been irritating? Yes. But evil, like Black Swan? Unless I’ve missed something … no.

Thanks for the heads up on Captain America. That’s two movies that I was considering that I am skipping based on your recommendation (the other was Transformers 3, as I believed the critics who CLAIMED that it was superior to and less vulgar than the prior installments. Shame on me for believing movie critics …)

G: HUH? WRONG! I hated “Black Swan.” Check my review:
http://www.debbieschlussel.com/30346/wknd-box-office-black-swan-tourist-chronicles-of-narnia-voyage-of-dawn-treader-leaving/
Also, I am a movie critic, and I pointed out in my review that Transformers 3 was vulgar. You should believe this movie critic.
DS

Gerald on July 23, 2011 at 5:43 pm

I would say that Kunis needs to get away from such garbage pictures. She risks being typecast if she does too many more of these films.

Worry01 on July 23, 2011 at 11:30 pm

I remember when actresses bared their own butts. At least it’s not CGI…or is it?

That 70's Hoe on July 23, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Oh wow. I feel for DS that she had to sit through friggen’ “Friends With Benefits”. When I went to see “Horrible Bosses” (and I should have listened to DS’ review.) I saw the preview and I wanted to vomit. Ick. What that piece of crap/pap that film is and the film promotes filth and dysfunction (and supreme selfishness). For f***s sake, it’s summertime. If I wanna see that rot for free I go anyplace in USA. So sad.

Plus Timberlake is ugly and annoying. Actors used to at least be handsome and manly. He’s so gross and in his “real” life does not respect women. That’s hardly sexy, but women have lowered the bar so low. Let’s hear it for “girl power”!/

Gotta give props to DS. This weekend I ended up viewing a movie I remembered her reviewing. A Michael Caine film called “Harry Brown”. I would have NEVER seen it if I had not remembered her review and I really loved it and she delivered.

“Harry Brown” was so surprisingly real and very, very gritty. Bravo. You believed every bit of that good flick. So if you have not rented it yet, you must. I love movies like that. Gritty and so very real and so well acted by the lot of those Poms!

Skunky on July 24, 2011 at 8:02 pm

What’s the point of rating a chick flick in Karl-Marxes?

This is so unfair to poor old bastard Karl, because he would not mind sex w/o relationship at all. The reason why this movie is so predictable is because Hollywood IS conservative in its heart, and they CAN NOT shoot a movie that would promote a pointless sex w/o relationship (or if they do such a movie would go straight to video, like some endless Red Shoe Diaries and crap like that). Hollywood movies can promote same-sex marriage for a likely reason that there are plenty of gays in Hollywood, but promoting pointless sex w/o love or even relationship on a big screen is a big no-no. Any hero who gets involved in unattached sex in a big-screen Hollywood movie has only 2 options: (1) To fall in love with sex partner and live happily ever after (2) To be somehow punished. Look for example what they have done to an excellent French comedy Pardon My Affair (1976) in its American remake, The Woman in Red (1984). They had to change the end to fit the French movie into American movie standards. I have no idea, maybe there was some secret Act of Congress that forbids to violate American Family Values Code in big-screen movies, but such movies are indeed 100% predictable, and should really be rated in Reagans, GW Bushes, Pat Robertsons, etc.

Begletz on July 24, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Beg, is Hollywood “Conservative at heart” or do you mean “Capitalist” at heart? Poor, old codger Karl surely would not like the fact that morally bankrupt Hollywood…with their morally bankrupt heart in their hands…would have the sound of “cha-ching” supersede their true hearts desire…a “wham, bam, thank you Ma’am” relationship with a “don’t let the door hit ya, where the good Lord split ya” twist at the end?

In the end, good, old Hollywood…throwing their perversions to the wind…know that the ticket money is gonna come from WOMEN.

Now, I will say that women are very much contributing to the “friends with benefits” culture but let me let you in on a big secret…the women are LYING when they say they don’t mind those kind of soul-destroying relationships. In the end, they will turn all psycho or chagrinned when they can finally admit they were used and NOT respected.

So Hollywood will never forgo the siren call of the green, green cash machine. Women…and I don’t care how bloody feminist they are, will get all aggro at films that depict TRUE “sex without ties” movies.

And besides…the female biology will ALWAYS complicate that silly pipe dream scenario. But boys, get it while it’s hot ‘cuz women seem to have stuck their foolish heads up their dopey arses more than ever at this time./

Skunky on July 24, 2011 at 8:44 pm

First off… I’m going to see “Captain America” regardless. It’s a popcorn movie, nothing too earth-shattering, and good for a brain-snooze or 2.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, one could tell the state of a civilization through its fine arts. DS is more than a movie critic: she is also a social commentator and political pundit. Anyone who refuses to see the link between art, politics, morality and society is an idiot, pure and simple.

And having said that – I know that nowadays there is virtually no movie being made that would stir the patriotic soul and say “Hell Yeah! I wanna enlist!” mainly because in the Hollywood cocoon there is no war (or at least no war worth giving a damn) and that there is still a “Star Trek” future looming over the horizon. I bet that today’s moguls who have watched the original Trek episodes wishing they would bang all those (humanoid) alien chicks when that time comes. Sadly, that reality is still far away.

So, this weekend – TORRENT!

And “Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters For DVD”. I never get tired of that one.

The Reverend Jacques on July 24, 2011 at 11:29 pm

“If you want to see the over-rated Timberlake’s naked butt..”

I think I can positively say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Overrated is correct. He sings like a girl and looks like a girl. I don’t get it, but then I don’t get 99.9% of pop culture these days.

Talent is not king anymore, media hype is.

Jeff_W on July 25, 2011 at 11:03 am

Yeah, In the 70’s I heard about this incident. It was apparent from the story details that it had to be some kind of nut job pulling this scheme off. Reading the quotes from her made my original estimation spot on.

jake49 on July 25, 2011 at 11:55 am

And Mila, I think her best work is as “Meg” in the Family Guy cartoon.

jake49 on July 25, 2011 at 11:56 am

“Black Swan” was a great film by a great filmmaker (Darren Aronofsky (“Requiem for a Dream,” “The Wrestler”). It was dark and macabre, yes, but that was the whole point. Anyone familiar with the cutthroat world of ballet knows that extreme competitive emotions seethe just beneath the surface of the dancers, especially when it comes to “Swan Lake.”

Good for Mila Kunis for having that film on her resume.

Seek on July 25, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Sorry Debbie. You are indeed a credentialed movie critic. I should have said the OTHER critics. I often mentally separate you from THEM because you have morals. It was because of the very high recommendation from THEM that I watched “Mulholland Drive.” (That movie so badly traumatized me that I stopped going to movies for almost two years.) You know, critics like that who do their best to get me to see stuff like “Monster’s Ball”, “Precious”, “The Hours” and oh “Black Swan.”

But in my defense, I did say that you were the one who steered me away from Transformers 3 and Captain New World Order … excuse me, Captain America.

Gerald on July 25, 2011 at 7:16 pm

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