August 5, 2011, - 7:08 pm
Can’t recommend any of the new movies, this weekend. Sorry. But, if you listen to me, I just saved you at least ten bucks and two hours. Here are my reviews:
* “Rise of the Planet of the Apes“: In addition to being an animal rights fantasy, this movie was long, extremely repetitive, and boring. How many times do I need to watch apes on steroids torture and eat innocent people alive and then get a gazillionth second chance because a scientist played by James Franco asks for that? Puh-leeze. In real life, that ape would have been put down immediately, just as with dogs and other animals that bite.
Yes, this everything PETA a/k/a PUTAh (People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals and humans) dreamed of in a movie. Apes attack, torture, cannibalize, and kill humans, including cops. And even more disturbing is that the urban audience with whom I saw the midnight showing (I could not make the critics’ screening) applauded when police officers were beaten and murdered by apes. Oh, and they applauded at the end of the movie. Morons.
Brian Cuban tweeted a few weeks ago that he wished they would stop perverting the terrific 1968 original “Planet of the Apes,” starring Charlton Heston, with new versions, remakes, sequels, and prequels. He’s spot on. And this waste-of-time movie is Exhibit A. It’s awful. And, while it’s being billed as a “prequel” to the original, it has nothing to do with it and is hardly connected. There’s a reason this movie is being released in August, the pet cemetery where Hollywood studios send all truly awful movies, which they know will die a quick death.
The story: Franco is a scientist for a pharmaceutical company (yes, evil Big Pharma is exactly the way it’s portrayed here). He is testing apes because he’s developed a serum that he believes is the cure for Alzheimer’s Disease. The serum makes the apes instantly smarter and creates new connections and cells within the brain. But the monkeys become more violent, and as they become smarter, they want to be treated better and rebel against humans.
One ape in particular, Caesar, is brought home and raised by Franco, and he exhibits the violence, as well as the extreme intelligence because of the drug developed by Franco. Every time he’s violent, Franco gets him and the other violent apes another chance. One day, they all get out of their cages and just go on a rampage attacking humans and taking over the Golden Gate Bridge, where they beat and kill police. At this point, PUTAh activists worldwide are having orgasms.
For everybody else, it was a waste of time and money. You’ve been had. And don’t experiment on animals. That’s the message of this horrendous movie.
FOUR MARXES & FOUR TOFURKEYS
Watch the trailer . . .
* “The Change-Up“: Hey, it’s yet another version of “Freaky Friday.” Please, Hollywood, come up with something new. Oh, wait, it’s an extremely disgusting and raunchy version of “Freaky Friday” . . . and incredibly predictable, stupid, and vile. Well, that’s not new, either. I said it before and I’ll say it again: Judd Apatow ruined movies. And this one stars his wife (Leslie Mann). And, for a comedy, there really wasn’t much worth laughing at. Wasn’t too funny . . . .unless you consider a baby defecating on a guy’s face hilarious. I don’t. Sorry. Nor is it funny that one guy is shaving his best friend’s genitals or sleeping with a pregnant woman he picked up at a birthing class. Yuck.
The story: Jason Bateman, a straight-laced lawyer and married father, is best friends with Ryan Reynolds, a playboy loser and wannabe actor who lives like a slob in his messy apartment. One night, they go out for drinks and then, as they are urinating in a fountain, they wish they had each other’s life. Suddenly, lightning strikes, and they switch bodies, being forced to live each other’s life. Bateman, in Reynolds’ body, has to go to his big-time acting opportunity, which he learns is a porno movie. Reynolds messes up a merger deal, which is Bateman’s chance at partnership. And so on.
You know what happens, as it does in all these movies: amid way too much drama and exercises in the obvious, they realize they like their original lives and want things to change back.
Watch the trailer . . .
* “The Myth of the American Sleepover“: This film was shot in Michigan by a first-time writer-director, and it shows that this is his first. It was boring, very slow, and pointless. Yes, another waste of time. While there were some good things about it, they aren’t new, and overall, it wasn’t worthy.
The story: several teenage kids in the Detroit area attend sleepovers, parties, and otherwise hang out all night on the last night of summer. Mostly we see various people kissing and making out. It gets old, especially when there’s barely any story to go with it. One girl reads her friend’s diary and realizes the friend wanted her boyfriend. A guy is looking in vain for a gorgeous blonde he saw at the supermarket, and they keep missing each other’s path (a rip-off of Suzanne Somers in “American Graffiti”). One girl and her friend walk around like Peppermint Patty and Marcy. Then, the night ends, and there is a parade in the town (a Labor Day parade, apparently). The end.
Not much there.
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: animal rights fantasy, Animals rights, apes, Brian Cuban, James Franco, Jason Bateman, Judd Apatow, Leslie Mann, movie, movie review, Movie Reviews, Myth of the American Sleepover, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals and humans, PETA, PUTAh, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Ryan Reynolds, The Change-Up, The Myth of the American Sleepover