December 9, 2011, - 4:11 pm

Wknd Box Office: New Year’s Eve, The Sitter

By Debbie Schlussel

It’s yet another Netflix/video rental/take-a-video-out-of-your-local-public-library weekend.  The two new releases at theaters today are absolutely awful:

*  “New Year’s Eve“:  This is director Garry Marshal’s “sequel” (well, not really–all the characters are different) to the pretty awful “Valentine’s Day” (read my review).  This is just a tiny hair better and not by much.  It stank.  The movie is filled with a gazillion famous actors and actresses (if you call Alyssa Milano, who has a cameo role, still famous).  But there’s just nothing there.  It’s “The Love Boat” 2011.  A bunch of celebrities have intertwining stories, none of which are worth retelling here, but all of which center around New Year’s Eve (the ball drop and a huge party held by a record company), when the movie takes place.  There’s Sarah Jess-Equine Parker, Josh Duhamel, Jessica Biel, Hillary Swank, Robert De Niro, Zac Efron, Ashton Kutcher, Halle Berry, a very de-glammed Michelle Pfeiffer, Jessica Biel, Katherine Heigl, and the acting-challenged Jon Bon Jovi, among others.

The only touching story is the one with Robert De Niro as a dying man wanting to see the ball drop in Times Square one more time–but is seeing the ball drop one more time, really a reason to want to live?  If that’s all you have to live for, you should probably pull the plug, as they should do on drivel-filled movies like this.  To call this, “schmaltzy,” would be an insult to schmaltz. The flick is dopey, cheesy, silly, and a time-bandit, which robbed you of two hours of your life you’ll never get back.  If this is New Year’s Eve, it’s best to stay home.

TWO-AND-A-HALF MARXES
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Watch the trailer . . .

*  “The Sitter“:  This wasn’t screened for Detroit-area critics, so I went to last night’s Midnight show and saw why.  It stinks.  This raunchy, disgusting, stupid rip-off of a million far-more-charming babysitter movies (plus the Harold & Kumar Christmas bomb–read my review) is absolutely awful.  It begins with a scene of Jonah Hill giving oral sex to an equally ugly girl.  And the movie gets worse from there.  Hill plays a loser whose father has left him and his mother for a new family, and his mother wants to go to a fancy party to meet a doctor with whom she’s being set up.  Hill has to babysit his mother’s friends’ three kids, or the mother can’t go to the party.  So, he agrees, then takes the crazy, dysfunctional kids on a wild trip through Manhattan, as he tries to score cocaine for the girl he wants to have sex with and escape from the drug dealer who sold it to him. 

One of the kids is an adopted kid from Latin America, who constantly explodes bombs in the toilets of public places. Do you think they’d ever do a movie with an adopted Muslim kid who does that (which would be far more applicable than a Latino kid doing so)? Dream on. Latinos (and Whites, men, and Jews) are fair game in politically correct Hollywood, and Muslims are sacred. While this “comedy” had a few funny lines, it was mostly groanworthy and repulsive.  Jonah Hill executive produced this crap filled with equally crappy, no-name actors.  What a waste of my time . . . and yours, if you ignore this review and go see this garbage anyway.

FOUR MARXES PLUS
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Watch the trailer . . .

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16 Responses

I am sick of Jonah Hill. He’s not funny

Brian Cuban on December 9, 2011 at 4:27 pm

DS, I wondered if you would have reviewed “Shame”. I really like Michael Fassbender as an actor BUT the movie seems like glorified porn. And typically, all the artsy-fartsy freaks are falling all over themselves over it. Why??????

I will not be seeing it. As I get older, I really hate these “edgy” indie flicks that think they are deep because they are porny.

Skunky on December 9, 2011 at 4:34 pm

“The only touching story is the one with Robert De Niro as a dying man wanting to see the ball drop in Times Square one more time–but is seeing the ball drop one more time, really a reason to want to live?”

That seems like it could be a semi-worthwhile part of a pointless movie. Funny how none of the TV ads don’t play to that, but instead show me SJP getting a bag of oats or whatever her storyline is about. Doubtful I’d think of seeing it anyway.

Of course the lion’s share of ads and trailers I’ve seen for that tend to be little more than name-dropping. “You know those lefties in Hollywood whose only job is to be in movies? Well there are a bunch of those in here,” isn’t enough of a hook to get me interested.

Brian R. on December 9, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Movies were better when young punks didn’t have so much money to make such bad movies. However, the reviews are irrelevant. Our young people are so dumbed-down, this will be #1 at the box office.

JeffT on December 9, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Was hoping to see if my predictions were right, since you had “teased” us with what movie you liked and and disliked from your marathon of movies (thought you liked Spielberg’s and hated “Carnage”).
My thought on “New Years Day”… make money by a holiday tie-in. It is sort of like how “Friday the 13th” came about–the name was picked and then a story was written. I don’t quite understand why this isn’t being released closer to New Year’s Day.
As for “The Sitter”, I hate the adding of drugs to the storyline in movies (such as the case of an upcoming horror film remake of a film that had minor drug use). Don’t know why it needed to be added in the first place… trying to make the main character a villain from the start? I think there is a problem when characters in comedies are pushed too far into the realm of wickedness or evil as their starting point (and then learning lessons–that is more effective as a drama… start in a dark place and rise above it). I think it is more effective to have an innocent character discovering himself in that context later–sort of fish out of water–instead.

MH on December 9, 2011 at 6:51 pm

The Sitter is a “film” targeted to boys, aged 13 to, well, death, since some men never grow up. “New Year’s Eve,” like “Valentine’s Day” is another attempt to capitalize on the success of “Love Actually,” since it’s the same style, same genre. It’s targeted at females aged 13 to, well, death, since a lot of women never grow up either. Watching the trailer for New Year’s Eve I found myself wondering if the reason they make a movie that is basically a collection of very short stories is that they save money on the writing, or do they get a cut rate by buying actors in bulk and giving each of them a little tiny part?

DG in GA on December 9, 2011 at 6:57 pm

I suspect that these movies were meant to be bombs in the first place.

Imagine making a movie so bad it would be considered a tax write-off. You’ve paid the actors – they’re happy. Paid-off the techs – they’re happy. Show it to the IRS and get to pay mucho-less tax – you’re happy. Show it to everyone then port straight to DVD/Blu-Ray for some extra bank – you’re happy. Unlike the suckers who paid to watch it.

Verdict: simple math – “The Sitter” (now dubbed “The Shitter”) is aimed at druggies; “New Year’s Eve” is aimed at those who would normally watch the “Twilight” series and “Sex and the City” and need something to balance out (just like the drunk scoring some meth so he could keep on drinking without passing out).

So this week-end – TORRENT! And maybe a book and some Skyrim (if I can score it).

The Reverend Jacques on December 9, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Over Jonah Hill. I never liked him even in Superbad. Mclovin made that movie.

Waterboarding, no problem. Sit through New Years Eve, kill me.

For anyone who buys a ticket to NYE, I hate you for giving that trash money so they will make more.

“Sarah Jess-Equine Parker”…..I love you Debbie! The Sara Jess horse jokes never get old!

Jeff_W on December 9, 2011 at 9:16 pm

I’m thinking… “High and Low” is what I’ll watch this weekend. At home, on my nice sofa, on my nice TV. With peace, quiet, and a nice black rum.

Thank you Debbie for constantly taking the hits on this Hollywood garbage so I don’t have to. You allow me to keep the door open for the occasional quality pic, without having to do all the risk-taking. :)

pitandpen on December 9, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Because of you debbie, I don’t give money to hollywood anymore. Staying in my apartment watching a movie I like on my HDTV is much better.

Squirrel3D on December 10, 2011 at 1:20 am

DS. As you may be aware, 2 weeks ago you were hacked and if i went to your site, it quickly went to a bizarre porn site. I note that now when I Google you, because I am on the road without my computer, Google auto search forces a variety of uncomplimentary suggestions into the search parameters, and they are virtually impossible to erase.
This means the malefactor likely works for google. It would by no means be the first time that google personnel engaged in this. The global warming arena is replete with false search results and bizarre suggestions. All amateurish and demonstrating an ignorance of science and research.

pat on December 10, 2011 at 2:27 am

Debbie,

I also want to say that as a Jew – I am also really offended that many of the actors of these horrendous movies are so called “Jews”. Jonah Hill and Judd Apatow are among the worst people to claim to be Jewish because they make everyone think that our Jewish moral character is like theirs. Disgusting. Thanks for the review, Ill be staying home.

JoshDPat on December 10, 2011 at 12:39 pm

That’s right, jeff, and she cries all the way to the bank…

Harold Shalett on December 10, 2011 at 8:03 pm

I’ve amended my weekend plans.

This weekend: SKYRIM!

You are part of the story. As an escaped prisoner of war, you discovered that you have a gift related to a caste of people known as “dragonborn”, and eventually you wind up on a quest to save the world.

A lot better than the drecky year-end cinematic offerings. And it doesn’t tax out my 64-bit Win 7 rig either.

The Reverend Jacques on December 11, 2011 at 4:11 am

I rented “Atlas Shrugged”.

Tanstaafl on December 11, 2011 at 9:01 pm

One last post in this thread.

Jonah Hill is the new Chris Farley.

Think about it.

The Reverend Jacques on December 12, 2011 at 9:23 am

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