December 9, 2011, - 4:11 pm
It’s yet another Netflix/video rental/take-a-video-out-of-your-local-public-library weekend. The two new releases at theaters today are absolutely awful:
* “New Year’s Eve“: This is director Garry Marshal’s “sequel” (well, not really–all the characters are different) to the pretty awful “Valentine’s Day” (read my review). This is just a tiny hair better and not by much. It stank. The movie is filled with a gazillion famous actors and actresses (if you call Alyssa Milano, who has a cameo role, still famous). But there’s just nothing there. It’s “The Love Boat” 2011. A bunch of celebrities have intertwining stories, none of which are worth retelling here, but all of which center around New Year’s Eve (the ball drop and a huge party held by a record company), when the movie takes place. There’s Sarah Jess-Equine Parker, Josh Duhamel, Jessica Biel, Hillary Swank, Robert De Niro, Zac Efron, Ashton Kutcher, Halle Berry, a very de-glammed Michelle Pfeiffer, Jessica Biel, Katherine Heigl, and the acting-challenged Jon Bon Jovi, among others.
The only touching story is the one with Robert De Niro as a dying man wanting to see the ball drop in Times Square one more time–but is seeing the ball drop one more time, really a reason to want to live? If that’s all you have to live for, you should probably pull the plug, as they should do on drivel-filled movies like this. To call this, “schmaltzy,” would be an insult to schmaltz. The flick is dopey, cheesy, silly, and a time-bandit, which robbed you of two hours of your life you’ll never get back. If this is New Year’s Eve, it’s best to stay home.
Watch the trailer . . .
* “The Sitter“: This wasn’t screened for Detroit-area critics, so I went to last night’s Midnight show and saw why. It stinks. This raunchy, disgusting, stupid rip-off of a million far-more-charming babysitter movies (plus the Harold & Kumar Christmas bomb–read my review) is absolutely awful. It begins with a scene of Jonah Hill giving oral sex to an equally ugly girl. And the movie gets worse from there. Hill plays a loser whose father has left him and his mother for a new family, and his mother wants to go to a fancy party to meet a doctor with whom she’s being set up. Hill has to babysit his mother’s friends’ three kids, or the mother can’t go to the party. So, he agrees, then takes the crazy, dysfunctional kids on a wild trip through Manhattan, as he tries to score cocaine for the girl he wants to have sex with and escape from the drug dealer who sold it to him.
One of the kids is an adopted kid from Latin America, who constantly explodes bombs in the toilets of public places. Do you think they’d ever do a movie with an adopted Muslim kid who does that (which would be far more applicable than a Latino kid doing so)? Dream on. Latinos (and Whites, men, and Jews) are fair game in politically correct Hollywood, and Muslims are sacred. While this “comedy” had a few funny lines, it was mostly groanworthy and repulsive. Jonah Hill executive produced this crap filled with equally crappy, no-name actors. What a waste of my time . . . and yours, if you ignore this review and go see this garbage anyway.
FOUR MARXES PLUS
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: Ashton Kutcher, Garry Marshal, Gary Marshal, Halle Berry, Hillary Swank, Islam, Jessica Biel, Jon Bon Jovi, Jonah Hill, Josh Duhamel, Katherine Heigl, Latino, Michelle Pfeiffer, movie, movie review, Movie Reviews, Muslim, New Year's Eve, PC, political correctness, Politically Correct, Robert De Niro, Sarah Jess-equine Parker, Sarah Jessica Parker, The Love Boat, The Sitter, Zac Efron