February 17, 2012, - 4:50 pm
If you’re looking to see a good new movie, this weekend isn’t it. Go see something good that I’ve previously reviewed, like “Safe House” (read my review). “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” was not screened for critics, and I could not screen “The Secret World of Arrietty” because the showing was held on the Jewish Sabbath. What I did see wasn’t good:
* “This Means War“: This Means Waste of Time & Money. This absolutely awful, excessively cheesy chick flick comedy wasn’t funny. Not even close. And it wasn’t too entertaining, either. I love guns, And please, please, please, Hollywood, stop digitally enhancing every single character’s eyes so that they are brightly intense turquoise or cobalt blue. No one has eye color like that in real life (except me when I wear blue) and it’s really annoying and a distraction.
Reese Witherspoon plays a single woman who runs into her ex-boyfriend and tries to make him and his new fiancee jealous. The thing is, her chin looks more Jay Leno-ish than ever. Despite that, two CIA agent super spies, played by Tom Hardy and Chris Pine, fight over her and proceed to use CIA bugs, tracking devices, and other surveillance in an overtly creepy way to get intelligence and try to win her over. Maybe this was designed to make us outraged over the Patriot Act or investigating Muslims. If it is, didn’t work. At least, not with me. The thing is, this movie had a huge gay vibe to it, and the two CIA agents are sooooo way too close, I think they needed to get a room and some Frankie Goes to Hollywood music. Witherspoon was the third wheel in this clunker. I wouldn’t be surprised if this movie gets a lot of gay traffic. It’s that kind of flick.
Among the annoying details, Pine’s character is named, “FDR.” Aw, how cute. Trust me, President Reagan’s ghost isn’t jealous, as who would want your name or initials invoked in this garbage? Also, they didn’t pay too much attention to which decade we’re in. She meets one of the guys in a video store. I don’t know about you, but all of my nearby Blockbuster stores closed about a year ago or more. Nobody goes to these anymore. The place looked like my defunct one-time employer, Tower Records. The other guy tells people he’s a travel agent. Um, are there still travel agents in this age of internet bookings. Witherspoon dancing around in her apartment to “This is How We Do It,” by Montel Jordan–from two decades ago. Um, no thanks. The movie seemed dated, not that I cared. ‘Cuz I just didn’t care about this movie or any of the people in it.
The movie is raunchy and rated “R” for a reason, but such scintillating, profound lines as, “My boobs are sweaty” (uttered by Witherspoon), just didn’t cut it for me. Sorry. Oh, and the Chelsea Handler fascination? I just don’t get it. The woman isn’t funny. She can’t act. She’s tired-looking. And, frankly, I think she serves as little more than a legitimate excuse for anti-Semitism (and please, don’t make me claim that hag–she’s NOT Jewish, since her mother isn’t). Her lines in this “masterpiece” are even “classier,” with dialogue about fishing food particles out of her fat husband’s beard and testicle. Eeuuww. Is this really what passe for “comedy” today? Sad. There was just one good line in the movie: when Handler urges Witherspoon to sleep with two different guys at the same time because, “You think Gloria Steinem got arrested and sat in a jail so you could act like a little bitch? Get out there. You get flexible!” Yup, that pretty much sums up what feminism and Steinem were all about, not the noble crap purported.
I can’t name a decent movie Reese Witherspoon has done since “Legally Blonde” (and don’t forget that she later became “Legally Blind” in her dhimmi dhummi “Rendition” BS movie (read my review)) And this definitely doesn’t make the cut, either. If you can’t tell already, I HATED this movie. Skip it like the plague. The movie is for airheads, who will love it. For everyone else, you passed the IQ test if you stayed away . . . or wish you had.
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: Chelsea Handler, Chris Pine, CIA, CIA agents, Gloria Steinem, movie, movie review, Movie Reviews, Reese Witherspoon, Reese Witherspoon's Chin, This Means War, Tom Hardy