March 4, 2009, - 12:21 pm

The “Watchmen” Lie: Hollywood Sends More Depravity Your Kids’ Way Costumed as “Superhero” Flick

By Debbie Schlussel
**** UPDATE, 03/05/09: Watchmen Derangement Syndrome Takes Hold; Movie Continues to Be Marketed to Kids ****
If you take your kids to see “Watchmen,” you’re a moron.
If you see it yourself, you’re also probably a moron and a vapid, indecent human being. The movie arrives in theaters at Midnight, Thursday Night. It’s rated “R”–which should kinda sorta be a hint–but it really deserves an “NC-17,” at the very least. And plenty of clueless parents brought their young kids and kept them there for the entire almost three hour “experience” at the screening I attended.
Yes, I know, it’s being heavily marketed as a superhero movie, with action figures for your kids. But that–and the heroic-looking movie trailer–are a big, fat lie. And that’s where real parenting comes in . . . like actually investigating the movie before you take or send your kids to see this garbage.
In fact, as a movie critic who sees most new releases, I haven’t seen a more violent, depraved movie in years (not to mention a longer, more boring movie with a more preposterous and silly plot). This movie makes the graphic bloodshed of the recently released “Friday the 13th” look like “Cinderella.”

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This really isn’t a superhero movie at all. In fact, there was little “superheroing” until after the second hour of this nearly three-hour exercise on defining deviancy down. Some on the right are claiming this is a conservative movie because it’s made by some of the same people as “300” (read my review). But this is no “300.” (And that wasn’t for kids either, but this is far much less so.) A few lines of dialogue by the character “Rorschach” deriding “liberals and intellectuals” doesn’t excuse the nearly three hours of poison here. In fact, the movie kind of has a peacenik-themed ending and “message” regarding nuclear weapons. If this move is “conservative,” who the heck needs liberal?
There were so many disgusting, violent, morbid, grisly scenes and acts of killing, I had to start writing them down, lest I forget. And that’s in addition to the rape scene between superheroes (complete with violent beating of a female superhero) and an explicit sex scene between two other superheroes. Oh, and don’t forget another superhero’s swinging computer-generated penis frequently in your face on-screen.
In just the opening credits of this mindless celluloid claptrap, there’s a lesbian take-off on the famous photo of a woman kissing a sailor in Manhattan who is returning victorious from World War II. The lesbian make-out scene, featuring a “superhero,” is bad enough. But then, we see cops looking over their naked, bloodied, dead bodies on a bed, with the words “LESBIAN WHORES,” written in blood on the wall.
Mommy, mommy, what’s a lesbian? What’s a whore? And remember, this is just the opening credits.
The “plot” of this movie–if you can call it a plot–is that there were costumed superheroes in the ’40s and beyond. They grew old, but some of them didn’t. Then a new crop of costumed superheroes with special powers cropped up, some of whom were related to the older ones and some who still remained from the older group. But they all retired. Now, a superhero known as “The Comedian”–who is also a rapist and shot a Vietnamese woman who was pregnant with his kid (all of which we see depicted on-screen)–is murdered, and some of the superheroes, the “Watchmen,” get back together to find out who did it.
At the same time, the Soviets are about to nuke America. It’s 1985 and Nixon is President. We’ve won in Vietnam. Oh, and Henry Kissinger has a Russian accent. And Ronald Reagan is thinking of running for President in 1988. Wow, isn’t that cool that they got it wrong on purpose? I’m so amazed at this “high-brow art” of deliberately getting dates and timelines wrong, you know, just to be “artistic,” and get the drooling of the critics. That is sooooo genius. Like way totally cool.
Maybe if I make a movie about how Eisenhower was President in 1972, we “lost” World War II, and Bin Laden was gonna bomb the World Trade Center then, I’ll be cool, too. . . so long as it’s “dark” and I include a bunch of rape, torture, explicit sex scenes, and extremely graphic killings, and oh, write a “graphic novel” a/k/a comic book about it, first.
In the midst of this stupid story, we’re treated to the following:
* Dogs fighting over, tearing apart, and eating a six-year-old girl–we’re shown them chowing down on and tearing apart the remaining leg and leg bone, with the sock and shoe still on the bone as the dogs wrestle over it;
* A close up of man repeatedly getting an axe-blade driven through his skull while he’s being butchered;
* At least two very graphic scenes of naked superhero “Dr. Manhattan” vaporizing people to just blood, limbs, and guts hanging from the ceiling or spread in the snow;
* Many scenes of Dr. Manhattan’s computer generated penis swinging about;
* A kid biting a giant, bloody chunk of flesh out of another kid’s face–he grows up to be “Rorschach,” one of the superheroes’ compatriots;
* A man’s hands and arms being sawed off with an electric saw–we’re shown the bloody stumps and the bloody sawed off limbs in close up shots;
* A man with vat of hot french fry oil deliberately thrown over his head–we literally see him fry, and he ultimately dies, we’re told (no kidding);
* Many, many scenes of people’s hands, arms, fingers being broken in half or crunched by the “superheroes”;
* Cops being set on fire and burning to death by superhero compatriot “Rorschach;”
* Superhero “The Comedian” (a bad Robert Downey, Jr. look-alike) brutally beating and raping another superhero–tis movie concludes that the rape was a good thing b/c the slutty superhero had a slutty superhero daughter from him;
* Superhero “The Comedian” shooting and killing a Vietnamese woman because she’s pregnant with his kid;
* Superhero “The Comedian” being thrown off a roof of a tall building–we see his body hit the ground and the blood flow out;
* Two superheroes have an explicit sex scene in a spaceship–she’s on top, then he’s on top, awesome–you can teach your young kids multiple sexual positions before they even reach puberty, by taking them to see this (there’s a less explicit sex scene between the slutty superheroine and another superhero not long before that).
And these are just the highlights, plus superheroes hurling obscenities–great for the kiddies. There’s so much more–along with horrible make-up, bad acting, and terrible computer generated images (including the penis). Not to mention, a bad, extremely slow, and boring script.
Yup, this is the garbage that Rupert Murdoch’s Fox and Warner Brothers and Paramount are marketing toward your kids. All of these studios have a piece in this movie. And even thought the budget was just $100 to $125 million, because of a long legal battler between WB and Fox, the legal fees and pay-out make it such that they must recoup at least $200 or 300 million and make a profit. To do so, they are pimping the movie to all niches, especially your young kids.
But just because shameless whores and crack dealers of Hollywood deal this stuff out, doesn’t mean you have to buy it and poison your kids’ minds with it.
Remember the morons I told you about who took their kids to see the latest “Friday the 13th,” last month? Well, they were back with their kids at a Monday Night screening of this horribly depraved, whacked out movie.
Remember the White single mother who told me her ten-year-old son could see it because “he knows it’s not real and he knows the difference between right and wrong”? Well, she was back with her ten-year-old, and they waited in line for at least two hours with their free pass to get in to this screening, I’m told. I saw them walking out at the end.
Her son is going to grow up to be messed up. Don’t do the same to your kid.
And do yourself a favor, too. Save the ten bucks and the three hours of your life you’ll never get back. And the nightmares of some guy’s bloody, sawed-off arms and hands still clinging to the doors of a jail cell.
I don’t just worry that this is the new superhero movie being marketed to your kids today. I worry about the ones that will be even more depraved a decade from now.
G-d help this country (minus Hollywood).
FOUR MARXES PLUS
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364 Responses

I’ve only just stumbled across this “review”.

Do you really need someone to tell you that this movie wasn’t made for children any more than the original comic was? I mean, if the rating didn’t give it away, you’d think the content might stop and make you think for a moment….

I don’t know how anyone can be so astonishingly dense – or be paid to write their stupidity – but it’s priceless!

Michael W on August 1, 2011 at 7:07 am

Ur a moron who doesn’t understand comics.you’ve never read one and you shouldn’t be bashing them MS.I’m perfect.Comics are not created to show sex,violence and other adult themes.they have stories and themes and characters.just like a novel but with story arcs,powers,and they last long.please.if u don’t know about something.don’t bash.u f*cking dumb ugly LESBIAN WHORE.hope u f*cking choke on ur food

Cmyers on August 13, 2011 at 1:20 am

You’re funny…..let me ask you this…why would you take your child to an R rated movie (because this movie was rated Rmind you…) in the first place?

Lol on August 14, 2011 at 8:20 pm

The previous posts have all covered your poor understanding of the movie, but what worries me is your poor understanding of the basics of journalistic writing and critical review.

You are blatantly ignorant of most of the basic rules of critical and journalistic writings.

You are opinionated and biased. The most BASIC rule of journalistic writing is to represent your topic in an unbiased manner. This is not a review either, so you don’t get a pass. This is alarmist bullshit.

You are grossly uninformed.

You are ignorant of your topic and its history.

You are “reporting” on something everyone already knew (one of the most basic rules, don’t tell people what they already know).

You misrepresent the article. Simply copying the headline format does NOT make it a legitimate article.

You are blatantly alarmist and sensationalist, it is insulting to your readers’ intelligence.

You lack any knowledge of formatting. Your entire article is a single, page long eye-sore. You don’t use indentations, you have one, center-aligned image of the movie poster, the most bland, generic, unimportant image possible for this article.

And most damning of all, you are a poor writer. You use colloquialisms in written text, you use poor grammar, there are spelling errors.

You simply did not take the time to edit this article even once. That communicates a complete lack of effort or a very low estimate of the intelligence of your readers.

Lastly:

I want you to understand that having a website DOES NOT MAKE YOU AN EDUCATED, PROFESSIONAL JOURNALIST OR CRITIC. It means you have $50 a month to spend on stroking your ego. I could call a friend, rent a web server, open up Adobe Dreamweaver and have a site of this quality up in under a day.

Michael on August 21, 2011 at 8:22 pm

You are like a parody of a human being, I can’t believe someone can be such a stereotype.

lol on February 24, 2012 at 8:14 pm

You are a complete moron. This movie’s acting was brilliant. And just because it had figures AND ONLY FIGURES, that doesn’t make it a kids film in the slightest. Older people collect the merchandising for, you know, collector’s purposes.
I also want to add that this movie has a deep plot that makes you think. You were just so horrified about the violence it obviously sailed right over your fat, ignorant, head.

You’re clearly a purist

that guy on April 12, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Debbie, you are racist homophobic moron.

Monty on May 6, 2012 at 6:34 pm

You’re an idiot. This is a movie based off an award-winning graphic novel. This isn’t really a standard superhero film. It doesn’t follow the normal pattern of the typical pg-13 blockbuster superhero films. It has superheroes in it, but really they are walking metaphors for certain aspects of humanity, eg. The Comedian represents the brutal, animalistic side of humanity and he’s called the Comedian because he’s the walking parody of humanities ugly side.

Instead of bashing the violence of the film, why don’t you look at the underlying and visual motifs of the story. This isn’t supposed to be a happy “save the day” story. If you’ve read the actual graphic novel, it’s the complete opposite. And as for being marketed for kids, what about “Rated R” says “Bring your kids to see this movie!”. If you don’t follow the rating system, you’re a moron. Don’t blame hollywood for it’s marketing, it clearly states that it’s not appropriate for kids. And as for grouping together all comic books/graphic novels in the same light, consider the fact that each comic book/graphic novel, varies in appropriateness and maturity level: much like every other form of media.

Honestly, you are an annoying, self-righteous, narrow-minded moron and you clearly need to bump up your intelligence level.

John on June 16, 2012 at 7:50 pm

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