May 4, 2012, - 1:29 pm
I’m sure I’ll get a ton of hate-mail from fanboy slacker losers in “adult” bodies for saying this, as I always do when I knock down their flimsy sacred cows. But I hated “The Avengers,” in theaters today. I was really looking forward to the movie and wanted to like it. But how could I? It’s just long, dull, and boring. The story is lame, and it ends up looking like a gazillion final scenes from every incarnation of “The Transformers” movies. I walked out thinking, “Is that all there is?” And I was thinking that all throughout the movie, waiting for it to take off and spark interest.
It’s a waste of what was almost 2.5 hours and seemed like seven. The reason you go to movies like this is for the special effects, and even those weren’t so special. I’ve seen it a gazillion times before. And so have you. On top of that, the 3-D was pointless, not coming even close to a movie that uses it well, such as “Hugo” (read my review).
No, there’s nothing objectionable about the movie (unless, like me, the vision of the anti-Israel, leftist spoiled hack, Gwyneth Paltrow, however brief, annoys the heck out of you). No politics and or anything too dirty for kids. In fact, the movie languishes in blandness. Yes, there are some funny, snappy lines uttered by the different superheroes in the movie. But it’s not supposed to be an occasional comedy of sarcastic lines. It’s supposed to be a superhero movie. And it’s just not super. There’s no magic, no engaging story you, none of the charm you expect–and should expect–from superhero movies.
And it’s just not a tight, well-crafted script or plot. Any superhero movie that can’t get its act together in two hours or less doesn’t cut it . . . or cut anything, including plenty of repeats of the same scenes and groanworthy gags. Captain America, for instance, is the target of a running joke by the other superheroes because he fell asleep during World War II and woke up today. They and he keep joking that he’s behind the times. Um, I got it the first time. Not funny. Ditto for the non-stop goading by various parties to try to get Bruce Banner to turn into “The Hulk” or attempts to prevent him from getting angry so he doesn’t destroy the ship. It gets old after like five times. The writers and producers could do better. A lot better. But why would they? They know that if they just slap the name, “The Avengers,” on a movie and include all the superheroes, it’ll be a blockbuster success, no matter what they do or what I say. Again, just like the “Transformers” franchise. All of the fanboys will brainlessly rush to pay their money to see the Midnight showing, without a second thought. If terrorists really wanted to get us, they’d find a way to insert mind control or secret hypnosis and programming into these cinematic emperors with no clothing.
The actors, with the exception of Robert Downey, Jr.–who’s been pretty good as Tony Stark in the two “Iron Man” flicks–are mostly dull and, at best, adequate. Mark Ruffalo–the most effeminate straight actor in Hollywood–as Bruce Banner and “The Hulk”? Not buyin’ it. He didn’t make the grade. Scarlett Johansson was okay, too. But it’s just that they had little to work with. I like “The Hulk” and “Iron Man” movies, but not this milquetoast stew of all the superheroes and a crappy, unsuspenseful plot.
The story: the superheroes are rounded up by a secret agent working for Samuel L. Jackson. They all join forces on a submarine/spaceship to stop the Norse god, Loki, from destroying the earth with a power source he stole from the ship. Thor, the Black Widow, Captain America, Iron Man, etc. all get together but spend most of their time quarreling over whose superpowers are superior and delivering sarcastic slapstick on the ship. Like I said, it’s boring and repetitive.
When they finally have it out with Loki on the ship and in New York, the movie has been going for almost two hours already. And then, it seems like it’s going to end about eight times before it finally does. I was ready at punked ending #1.
Like I said, I’m sure I’ll get attacked by the mindless fanboy crowd, like I did when I knocked “The Watchmen” (read my review). “Avengers” Derangement Syndrome now joins “Watchmen” Derangement Syndrome. In their blind worship, they are almost as strictly orthodox and verbally abusive as Muslims (and jealous faux-”conservatives” like Michelle Fraudkin and her mind-addled cronies) in their jihad against me and any other who dares to criticize some of the obviously empty fictional idols of the Church of Comic Books and Graphic Novels (or at least the empty on-screen depictions of them). They are so predictable and easily played by Hollywood and its marketers. And I say this as a superhero and comic book fan–have been one since I was a kid and a my dad shared his vintage Captain Marvel and other comic books with me).
When I walked out of the “Avengers” screening a couple of weeks ago and said I didn’t like it, two liberal media critics–who are fanboys–verbally attacked me in the abusive manner you’d attack a violent criminal who just hit your child, while you watch police cuff him.
But that doesn’t faze me a bit or change the fact: the movie was a long bore and a waste of time.
“The Avengers” is an empty shell wrapped in a lot of capes and tights, a lot of sarcasm and mild attempts at comedy, some cool special effects you’ve already seen . . . and not much else.
I’ve seen more magic and charm in a Barack Obama press conference. And a visit to the dentist.
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: Avengers, Avengers movie review, Avengers review, Mark Ruffalo, movie, movie review, Scarlett Johansson, The Avengers, The Avengers movie review, The Avengers review, The Hulk