May 3, 2013, - 4:20 pm
Nothing all that great and new at the movies, this weekend:
* “Iron Man 3“: I did not like this movie and found it incredibly boring, especially for something with so much action and such a big budget. The movie was blah and didn’t have a tight script. A lot of it didn’t even make sense (such as how they can remove Tony Stark’s power source in this movie, when in the other “Iron Man” movies it was deemed impossible). It was a yawner with zero plot or story to speak of.
But if you can call it a plot, it’s the fantasy of every Ron Paulistinian/Muslim/9/11 Truther/anti-American conspiracy theorist. . . and it’s absolutely ridiculous. To wit, an evil defense contractor (played by Guy Pearce) wants to get lots of government defense contracts (and take revenge on Tony Stark/Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.)). So, he invents a fake terrorist and pays an actor to play “The Mandarin,” who is a Bin Laden-esque character (and is played by Ben Kingsley) and pretend that he is behind the terrorist attacks and explosions around the world that the evil defense contractor is actually perpetrating. The Mandarin makes Bin-Laden-style videos threatening America and Iron Man. Tony Stark has to stop him and then finds out who is really behind the plot. Uh-huh, just like they say on the Arab Street: Bin Laden didn’t do 9/11. It was the evil CIA, Mossad, and defense contractors seeking to gin up biz. By the way, I understand from real comic book fans that The Mandarin is nothing like this and is a real villain in the comic books.
Also, there’s a woman from Tony’s past who is working for the defense contractor. Oh, and the “Not Even Most Beautiful Women in the Room,” Gwyneth Paltrow, makes her annoying re-entrance as Tony Stark’s girlfriend. Who cares? I didn’t.
The movie is long, boring, and a waste of time. Since it’s the first big blockbuster of the summer movie-going season, it doesn’t portend well for the future movie offerings in the next few months. This movie was crap. But I’m sure it’ll make gazillions anyway. There’s no accounting for bad taste in America.
Also, if you’re gonna make a movie about superheroes, which you know will be attended by lots of kids, why put in dirty dialogue, like, “I need to wet my bead [or beet? I couldn’t tell], if ya know what I mean”? That’s uttered by Tony Stark to another character to tell him he’s about to have sex. Uggh. In a superhero movie? Really?
One last thing: Don’t bother wasting your time sitting through the ending credits, which are longer than ever, and seem to include the names of every single person living in India and every single Asian animator and special effects dude. The “stinger” at the end of the movie isn’t that great and not worth it. Just sayin’.
I didn’t like “Iron Man 2” (read my review), but this makes that look like the epitome of awesomeness. The general rule lives on: sequels suck. The first “Iron Man” movie (read my review) is still the best one by far. This movie is standard “Suckerville 101 for the Masses.” Skip it, and you miss nothing.
I love superhero movies. But not this. Let the Iron Man fanboy hate mail begin.
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Arthur Newman“: This indiefilm is showing mostly at arthouse theaters and wasn’t screened for Detroit-area movie critics. After seeing it on my own, I know why. It was long, slow, boring, and pointless. A recently-fired divorced father (Colin Firth) of a teen son fakes his own death, assumes a new identity, and escapes for a new life as a golf pro in Indiana. On his way there, he meets a homeless, drunken hooker (Emily Blunt) and tries to save her from herself. Soon, she joins him on his trip, and they break into other people’s houses for the purposes of putting on their clothes and having sex.
What’s the point of abandoning your son who needs you for the fantasy life you want but won’t end up having anyway? And breaking into people’s houses to have sex? Really? I hate how movies glorify this bad behavior as “finding yourself.” It ain’t. And I really didn’t like either of these characters. This flick was a time bandit kinda movie. It robbed me of ten bucks and nearly two hours of my life I’ll never get back. My life would be just as fine had I not wasted part of it on this movie.
I was intrigued by the description of this movie: faking your death to escape to a new life. I thought it would be a suspenseful thriller. But, sadly, this wasn’t that movie. Not even close.
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: Arthur Newman, Arthur Newman movie, Arthur Newman movie review, Arthur Newman review, Ben Kingsley, Colin Firth, Emily Blunt, Guy Pearce, Gwyneth Paltrow, Iron Man 3, Iron Man 3 movie, Iron Man 3 movie review, Iron Man 3 review, Mandarin, movie, movie review, Movie Reviews, Robert Downey Jr., The Mandarin, Tony Stark