July 26, 2013, - 6:07 pm
There is nothing new worth seeing at the movies this weekend. I didn’t like either of the new releases, though one is far less objectionable than the other.
* “The Wolverine“: I liked the last Wolverine movie much better (read my review). That one had everything this does not: a tight script, great plot, and magical superhero stuff. This is just a giant mess and a bore. Hollywood has this new rote script for everything: throw a lot of action and special effects at the audience, and they’ll forget that you have no plot, no story, and nothing interesting at all in your movie.
Hugh Jackman once again plays X-Man Wolverine and is living in the woods where he terrorizes hunters who aren’t nice to the animals. He’s tracked down by a Japanese female mutant who convinces him to travel to Japan to meet up with a man whose life he saved. The man, now a billionaire, was a prison guard Wolverine shielded from the bombing of Nagasaki during World War II. Now the billionaire is dying and wants Wolverine to trade him Wolverine’s ability to heal, and in exchange Wolverine will get mortality. Wolverine turns him down, and the billionaire dies. Then the billionaire’s granddaughter, to whom he’s left everything is being chased and targeted for death by a host of characters, from the Yakuza to monsters to people who work for her own father (upset he was passed over) to a mutant known as “The Viper,” who was pretending to be the billionaire’s oncologist. Huh? I know–it’s confusing and silly. Wolverine tries to protect her, and in the process they run all over Japan from a gazillion pursuers. Meanwhile, Wolverine has been poisoned by the Viper somehow, and he’s lost his ability to heal quickly. Plus, he keeps having unnecessary flashback dreams of his wife (Famke Janssen), whom he’s killed. I guess that’s what they call, “filler.”
The only good thing about this movie–and it’s thin and fleeting–are the brief, campy scenes of exotic Japan street life and night life, such as the cheesy “Love Hotel,” where Wolverine and the granddaughter are forced to hide away. And that was not enough to pay to sit through this absolute waste of time. Not even close. Just the movie poster for this, alone, is far more exciting than the actual movie (and hardly truth in advertising).
It’s time for Wolverine and Hollywood to hang up his claws. Stick a fork in it–or better yet, stick the plate in the trash. If this is the best they can do with the Wolverine character, he’s long past done.
Nothing offensive or objectionable about this movie, except that it wasn’t much of a movie at all. Underwhelming.
HALF A REAGAN
Watch the trailer . . .
* “The To Do List“: This movie was absolutely disgusting. Complete, pure, utter trash. It’s supposed to be a raunchy comedy, except there was nothing funny about it. Not even close. Unless your idea of funny is a woman biting into a log of fecal material. Wow, hilarious! Or various gross stuff about bodily fluids from sex. A mother (Connie Britton) constantly telling her daughters they “need lube” for sex–also NOT funny. This gross movie was just absolutely despicable in all ways. But, for some reason, it was made because the talentless hack writer/director is married to former SNL star Bill Hader (who is–shocker!–also in this movie). Yes, that’s how Hollywood works. Your complete crap gets greenlighted because of who you are and who you know.
The “story”: a nerdy valedictorian who looks like convicted murderess Jodi Arias (Aubrey Plaza) and is in love with Hillary Clinton (yes, literally), is a virgin and wants to lose her virginity before college. So she makes a checklist of many sexual acts and completes them with different guys throughout the summer. Yes, she’s a slut. Oh, and did I mention that, often, while she’s engaged in the sex acts, she’s looking at a poster of Hillary Clinton. “It Takes a Village” to be a whore?
Yay, feminism and equality! Shame on Rachel Bilson and Connie Britton for co-starring in the Gitmo quality torture. Clearly, they are as much whores in real life as the lead in this movie. Somebody clearly needed a paycheck very badly.
In our Kardashian age, this is the sewer-esque stuff that gets made more and more. Parents who send their kids to this–which should have been rated NC-17–should be thrown in jail for child abuse.
Trash galore. Absolute crap.
Watch the trailer . . .
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