March 24, 2016, - 4:23 pm

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice – Ridiculous Penis Envy/Pissing Contest Bore

By Debbie Schlussel

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On Tuesday night, I saw Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (Rated PG-13), which is in theaters tonight. And the only “justice” here would be to give me back that 2.5 hours of my life that I’ll never get back. The movie is an endless, unremarkable pissing contest between two dull, miserable characters in capes consumed by a “my penis is bigger than yours (or maybe yours is bigger than mine)” fight.

batmantshirt

I went to the movie wearing a t-shirt that said, “I Like My Men Tall, Dark, and Batman” (see above). But no longer. I hated this movie, and I especially hated this Batman–the “adult” spoiled brat Batman played by “adult” spoiled brat Ben Affleck, who looked very much like an aging mobster–like his character from the box office bomb, “Gigli,” a couple of decades later. [BTW, the t-shirt’s a lie. I don’t actually like Batman. My fave is Supe. But I liked the t-shirt.]

I can’t believe Michigan taxpayers paid through the nose to subsidize this crappy movie. The money would have been better spent getting the people of Flint drinkable water. But, instead, bazillions were spent to make the movie here so one of its stars (I think I know who it is–and it isn’t Affleck or Henry Cavill) could give some chick an STD and so that leftist Democrat Senator Debbie Stab-a-cow could be the world’s most forgettable movie star as the Governor of Metropolis (and I thought Metropolis was a city, not a state).

Despite a ton of special effects and action, I was bored to tears by this movie. I even fell asleep twice and missed nothing . . . except more brooding by every single character in this confusing silver screen mess. Would it have killed Affleck (Bruce Wayne/Batman) or Henry Cavill (Clark Kent/Superman) or the self-hating Jewish Israeli Gal Gadot (Diana Prince/Wonder Woman) to smile even just once? Back in the day when superhero movies were actually decent, Christopher Reeve was generally happy. He smiled, he was a smart aleck with a wink, and you wanted to get to know him. He was likable. These guys aren’t. They’re a miserable lot–unhappy, suffering (from what, I’d love to know), and so overstuffed with angst, it made me uncomfortable and annoyed. But this is what the Millennials want. Hipsters love suffering, darkness, and feeling bad about something even though they are the most privileged, spoiled generation in history. The same goes for these superheroes (who weren’t so super in this; not even close). They are bored and unhappy, and they like darkness (their costumes, including that of Wonder Woman are darker than ever). It’s not good enough to be heroes and have magical superpowers.

So, instead, for some unexplained reason, Bruce Wayne is out to get Superman, whom he knows is Clark Kent. And for some unexplained reason, Clark Kent doesn’t like Bruce Wayne, whom he knows is Batman. And Kent mouths off some stuff about Wayne’s lack of respect for civil liberties. Huh? Yeah, I had no idea to what he was referring, and I just didn’t care. Ditto for the bombing of the U.S. Capitol building, which was jarring to see on the same day that Islamic terrorists bombed two locations in Brussels. But no worries, there are no Islamic terrorists in this movie–keeping true to the modern-day “we cannot identify the real terrorists [Muslims]” rule for superhero movies and, frankly, almost all Hollywood movies. Instead, it’s some guy in a wheelchair who lost both his legs when Gotham got attacked by General Zod and fought with Superman, something that isn’t really explained. It had to be explained to me by the fanboy sitting next to me, whom I had to consult during the entire movie.

And that’s the thing: the movie is waaaaay tooo confusing. I had no idea what was going on at times or who some of the people were onscreen. You need a fanboy translator at the ready during the entire movie. I was lucky to have one–and, while I’m usually a movie Nazi who gets upset when others talk during the movie, I probably bugged everyone around me with my endless questions to Fanboy Translator.

The only parts of the movie that were clear were Lois Lane’s naked breasts in the bathtub scene. Little was left to the imagination in the gratuitous, repeated shots, with only actress Amy Adams’ nipples missing from the shot. Barely missing. I mean, I know there was a “love scene” between Margot Kidder and Christopher Reeve in one of the Superman movies of the past. But in a superhero movie that you know kids are gonna see, did they need to see most of Amy Adams’ chest?

Oh, and another part of the movie that’s clear: Adams’ Lane is trapped by terrorists somewhere in Africa (you think they’re Muslim, but the movie is too chicken and PC to say so). Superman rescues her from being killed by them, and so he’s the bad guy because of collateral damage. Congress holds hearings. So typical. But even more typical: the movie doesn’t take sides on this. Maybe Supe is a bad dude for causing destruction when fighting terrorists. Barf. Oh, and by the way, you and I are the bad guys for wanting to deport aliens. You see, we’re on the same side as the guy they show with the sign calling to deport aliens like Superman. Haha, funny.

Then, there is Lex Luthor, overplayed by the poorly cast Jesse Eisenberg. Eisenberg, who once played Facebook dictator Mark Zuckerberg, plays him here again, on steroids. We all know that if Mark Zuckerberg could do what he really wants, he’d be even more evil than he already is. And instead of merely playing online recruiter, propagandist, and censor for ISIS and Islam, he’d probably spy on superheroes, pit them against each other using artificial contrivances, and then create a half-Kryptonian, half-human monster (very bad CGI) from his own blood to try to kill Superman, as he does in this movie. Especially if you add in a dash of Nazi collaborator George Soros. Still, I wasn’t buying it. Eisenberg is probably the worst Lex Luthor we’ve ever seen in a Superman movie.

The movie doesn’t really tell you who Diana Prince is (you hear her first name once and you never hear the name “Wonder Woman”). And there are few scenes of her arguing with Bruce Wayne because she stole some hard drive from him. Why? No clue. They don’t tell you. Soon, we see surveillance tapes of many superheroes and comic book characters, including many not in this movie. I had no idea who they were and the movie doesn’t say, so, again, I had to consult Fanboy. The tapes, made by Lex Luthor, show Diana Prince/Wonder Woman getting money from an ATM. What was the point of this? It was like reading US Magazine and seeing “Superheroes–They’re Just Like Us! They use the ATM machine.” Well, I guess they had to give her something to do to fill space in this 2.5-hour cure for insomnia. Yaaawn.

You might compare this movie to bad sex. It builds up for so long to the unexplained, unjustified fight between Batman and Superman. But when it finally happens, it lasts just a minute or two and isn’t exciting. Plus, it’s not believable. Remember, Batman isn’t really a superhero. He’s not an alien or the result of an experiment gone wrong. He doesn’t have any superpowers. He’s just a spoiled rich kid in a pretentious costume and cape. So, in a contest between him and Superman, who do you think would prevail. Here’s a SPOILER hint: it’s not logical the way it turns out.

On Monday, I told a friend how excited I was to see this the next night. He was dismissive and said, “But why are they fighting? That’s so dumb. It doesn’t make sense.”

After seeing this, my thoughts exactly.

***

At the beginning of this movie, director Zack Snyder told us not to give away spoilers and ruin the movie for everyone else. But there’s only one real spoiler, which I had questions about. So I’m putting it on another page. If you want to read it, click here.

TWO MARXES
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22 Responses

Thanks for the review, Debbie.

But I would never see this anyway because Superman has superpowers and could fry Batman, who is a mortal human, with his heat-beam eyes or just fling him off the earth into space to suffocate/freeze.

DS_ROCKS! on March 24, 2016 at 4:54 pm

    This review is Absurd. Very long and absurd. I loved this movie. I saw it Three times.

    Colby on April 24, 2016 at 4:38 pm

Yeah I know. Why don’t these two guys just get a room already.

Jake49 on March 24, 2016 at 5:07 pm

According to Hollywood buzz, before the shooting for this movie began, Ben Affleck happened to run into Christian Bale at a costume shop, where both were buying Batman costumes for their kids. Affleck asked Bale for any advice he could give about playing Batman. Bale told him to “make sure you can piss in that suit.” Apparently, Affleck didn’t take Bale’s advice. This might explain his dark, somber, brooding character in the movie.

Ralph Adamo on March 24, 2016 at 7:39 pm

Ha ha! You had to watch this and I didn’t. Love your description though. You captured the raw awefulness as exactly what I expected. Thanks for your sacrifice!

Dan on March 24, 2016 at 7:46 pm

Perhaps the enmity between Batman and Superman reflects the increasing criminality of our society, and the elevation and increasing justification for lawbreaking.

In the old days, (Gold and Silver Age), Batman and Superman concentrated on fighting crime, not each other. They found out each others’ secret identities on a cruise, when, by accident, Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne shared a cabin (Superman 76). A crisis developed on-ship, and they discovered each other changing identities. They worked together to resolve the crisis, and pledged to respect each others’ secret identities.

Worlds Finest Comics, in the Golden Age, had separate stories of Superman and Batman. When inflation forced a shortened number of pages, they were featured together in a common story, again, fighting crime.

Now it seems as though crime-fighting has diminished among these characters, just as lawfulness has decreased on society. got to keep up!

Little Al on March 24, 2016 at 8:58 pm

    Honestly — just go see the film. I didn’t even like Man of Steel but liked this one. Se my lengthier comment below.

    Stan on March 25, 2016 at 3:28 pm

LA, I’d also add that Superman and Batman characters were originally patriots with a strong sense of responsibility, and shared the values of truth, justice, and the American way. Now, we can’t very well have these characters continue those passé concepts anymore, can we?

Ralph Adamo on March 24, 2016 at 10:00 pm

    Ralph Adamo,

    Yeah now it’s truth, justice and all that stuff according to Perry White in the horrible Superman Returns.

    Ken B on March 25, 2016 at 8:07 am

Debbie maybe you want to write something on this:

Obama visited Argentina.
Argentina is hiding the involvement of Iran in bombing the Jewish cultural center.
Obama went to Bariloche(spelling) a center of Nazi activity. I know he is stupid.
In addition Argentina was the hideout of Eichmann and various Nazi.

Then AIPAC applaud Hillary who want to bring more muslim in this country even though Muslim countries prevent escape of Jew to land of Israel before WWII.
She also want more illegal alien from Mexico which in the 1970S voted with muslim block that Zionism is racism.

They criticize Trump for saying he glad to see the end of Obama reign.

By the way Ralph Adamo on March 22, 2016 at 1:11 am “Read about the Judenräte in Eichmann in Jerusalem by Hannah Arendt.”

I think you have written some thing on Hannah

madman on March 25, 2016 at 11:46 am

This was so bad, it affected you, Debbie, in an unusual way…”Bruce Wayne is out to get Batman, who he knows is Clark Kent. And for some unexplained reason, Clark Kent doesn’t like Bruce…” We all know you meant to say “Bruce Wayne is out to get Superman…” Crappy movies ruin everything!!

JT: Haha. Yes, and also haste makes waste. I fixed it. Thanks. DS

JeffT on March 25, 2016 at 3:00 pm

Well — gee — sorry you didn’t like (well hated…) the movie. But I would encourage readers to IGNORE the ranting from critics and just go see it! But as for me and the packed audience I saw it with — it was a thoroughly enjoyable movie! And I didn’t even like Man of Steel! Yes — they didn’t go into tedious explanations of the origin of Batman, Superman, the Zod fight, etc., but that is the case in many sequels. About the only thing I agree with in your review was how unneeded (and inappropriate) was the Lois Lane bathtub scene. But other than that, this was a well-made, well-acted, and in my opinion well-written film. I am even planning to see it again — maybe in IMAX 3-D. (I saw it in 2D.) My only other comment would be for families to be aware that some of the action is VERY intense and not appropriate for little kids!

Stan on March 25, 2016 at 3:21 pm

Stan, are some kind of flack for this movie? You say it’s “well-made, well-acted, and in my opinion well-written film,” but offer no insights to support such a notion. Debbie always explains WHY she doesn’t like a movie and her standards are very consistent, so her reviews really help to assess whether a movie is worth springing bucks for, waiting for the DVD rental, or skipping it altogether. Your blurb tells readers nothing about the movie other than it contained “action.”

By the way, there’s a huge difference between “action” and “drama.” And mere “fighting” isn’t dramatic conflict, which is what makes for real entertainment when this genre is done well. There is also lots of action in the WWF offerings, but nobody would call that art.

Ralph Adamo on March 25, 2016 at 3:39 pm

Right on Ralph, you are correct. I think Stan may be “simple” in this area. Easily entertained. Interesting enough, because of Eminem’s song Stan about an over zealous obsessive fan, that has become a slang term, for someone who raves about someone or something, especially unworthy.

MrBigBrain on March 25, 2016 at 7:42 pm

I enjoyed George Reeves, Christopher Reeve, Adam West and all super incarnations. I always considered them amusing. But I saw this steaming pile of shit yesterday, in 3D no less. Twas the worst movie I have seen in years. Affleck’s costume looked like a cross between a baseball umpire’s uniform & Herman Munster. Just awful…

#1 Vato on March 26, 2016 at 8:12 pm

Friends invited me to come see this movie tonight. I read your review today, and said to myself, “Uh-oh, Debbie gave this a bad review. But, I feel obligated to go see it anyway.”

It was somewhat difficult to follow in the beginning, and it was definitely way too long. I went to the bathroom in the middle, and happened to miss the ATM photo of WW you mentioned. No big whoop.

I didn’t like Afleck’s Batman voice. I even had to catch what he said from the Hebrew subtitles (I saw this in Jerusalem), because I couldn’t understand him.

But also, I felt the film did come together more than you felt it did.

I guess the film makers had a choice, to intrigue the comic book/superhero fans with hints and clues, or to broaden their audience, by dumbing it down. They chose the established fans. I think I got a lot more out of it than you did, even with your fan boy’s help.

For example, referring to WW as Miss Prince was enough for the established fans.

And the battles DID make sense. Batman gets the upper hand by using Kryptonite gas. And at the end, there wasn’t enough time for WW or BM to get the Kryptonite spear instead of SM.

Anyway, I didn’t think it was nearly as bad as you thought, but still not something I would pay 39 sheqqels ($10.15) to see.

Fun Fact: When Gal Gadot, who is Israeli, first appears in her WW outfit to help, that’s when the movie got the most applause,…the only applause.

I heard that on opening night at one of the theaters, Gal Gadot got applause every time she appeared on screen, even if it was for seconds.

EA: Too bad Gal Gadot is a self-hating Jew and self-hating Israeli. She acted in this anti-Semitic screed: http://www.debbieschlussel.com/81592/triple-9-among-most-anti-semitic-anti-israel-anti-cop-anti-military-movies-ever-violent-bloody-garbage/ DS

Esser Agaroth on March 27, 2016 at 3:18 pm

I saw this movie with the family yesterday. I have to say that the three main stars did somewhat okay in their roles. Ben Affleck who I still don’t like must have watched his Daredevil movie with the late Michael Clarke Duncan to learn not how to play a superhero. He stank in that role but he went just one step up as the Dark Knight. The only thing was that his Batman voice was annoying. Not as annoying as Christian Bale’s but annoying none the less. Gal Gadot who I didn’t know was a Hollyweird self-hating Jew(shocker) was so-so in her role as Wonder Woman. I friend of mine who is into the comics like me said what was the problem with getting someone with a little meat on their bones to play this role. I told him that I guess that they just went with someone who has that exotic look that Diana Prince is supposed to have. She did ok and we will see if she can pull it off when her own movie comes out next year. Now on to my favorite. Yes I’m team Superman all the way but I agree with you Debbie that would’ve been too much trouble to have old Supes smile anytime during this long flick. Just I can understand Batman not cracking a smile because he uses fear and intimidation to fight crime but Superman is the opposite of that. Christopher Reeve Cavill ain’t. Eisenberg as Lex Luther was very miscast. Over hyped and overacted. He came across as that guy who used to be the kid in class who was too smart by half. He was the kid who grew up and went to work for the NSA to spy on people. Out of all of the people who’ve played Luther of the years from the great Gene Hackman, Kevin Spacey, Michael Rosenbaum, and John Shay I put Eisenberg dead last. Fan boy note in case you’re wondering those Luther’s are from Superman The Movie, Superman Returns, Smallville and Lois and Clark The New Adventures of Superman. Hell even Clancy Brown who did the voice for Lex Luther in Superman The Animated Series and in the Justice League cartoons did a better job. All in all the movie was too long and it will make the Batman fanboys happy since he beat Superman. These guys online and the ones that I talk to believe that Batman can take on anyone with enough prep time. I tell them that the only way that Batman could take on someone like Superman is with kryptonite like he did in the movie and Frank Miller’s book The Dark Knight Returns. I tell them also to look at the New 52 Justice League book for a pissed off Superman fighting Batman without kryptonite. The Batman fanboys hate that. I think that it’s funny. Like I said the movie was ok. It was too long and if you aren’t into the comics it can be confusing. That’s why I was more than happy to be the fan boy translator for my family as I have been into SM, BM, and WW since the 70 watching my first Super Friends cartoon.

Ken B on March 30, 2016 at 9:34 am

First if you knew anything about the movie before going, you would know who those surveillance footage characters were. and that they were cameos setting up the Justice league. you lost all credibility with me with that ridiculous review. Everyone knew that was Diane Prince/Wonder Woman. Jesse was one of the best Lex Luthors ive seen. 2nd to kevin spacey. Ridiculous Review. this was a FANTASTIC movie.

Colby on April 24, 2016 at 4:52 pm

    Huh? Serious? If people knew of movies before seeing them, why go to see them? I didn’t know anything of Iron Man and enjoyed it. Green Lantern too. BvS was the crapiest party of crap I have ever seen, regarding superheroes.

    Cil on January 5, 2017 at 3:24 pm

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