By Debbie Schlussel
While reading the paper recently, this photo just jumped out at me . . . for obvious reasons. Please post your best proposed captions in the comments section. Mine are below the pic.

Spring Training for Lewinsky-Fest ’08
Garbage in, Garbage Out
Eat Like Hillary, Get HillaryCare
Presidential Campaign Life is Like Ice Cream, You Never Know When It’s Gonna Melt
I did NOT Have Sex with That Ice Cream
The Ben & Jerry Presidential Ticket is Losing
A Triple Scoop of Whitewater Crunch, Vast Rocky Road Conspiracy & Travelgate Fudge
Chelsea’s Pimp Takes An Ice Cream Break

By Debbie Schlussel
Yesterday, I told you about the new releases for Valentine’s Day (“Definitely, Maybe” and “Jumper“). Here are the rest that come out today, a couple of good ones in the mix:
* “The Spiderwick Chronicles“: This is a very charming movie, great for kids–and their parents will enjoy it, too. But there’s one HUGE CAVEAT: Men are jerks who abandone their families in this one. It’s sad because the movie would have been perfect without that subtext. In addition, the movie might be a little too scary for younger kids. It’s especially appealing to young boys–with gross sbustances and animals–something you rarely see in the movies, the kid fare of which is more aimed at girls.

Freddie Highmore plays twin sons of a newly-divorced mother of three. They move to their mother’s crazy great-aunt’s old house in a small town in upstate New York. Soon Freddie discovers that the house is occupied by little creatures and contains a secret book of magic formulas and secrets about wildlife and fantastic creatures, written by his great-great uncle, Dr. Spiderwick.
He reads the book, and soon the creatures in the woods around the house want the book and plot to kill Freddie and his family to get it. He must protect the book and keep it inside the circle surrounding the house. The plot with good creatures to fight off the bad creatures and keep the book protected unites the unhappy and feuding family members and leads to so many new, magical discoveries.
The creatures in this movie, while mostly computer generated, are well done. The animation is superb. And the story, charming and new. Like I said, the one drawback is that Freddie longs to be with his dad, whom we learn has forsaken his family for another woman and doesn’t want to be with them or have the guts to tell Freddie. The other male father figure, Dr. Spiderwick, has abandoned his family and his daughter for a lifetime because this book was more important to him than they were. Could have done without this obvious father/male-bashing. Worth seeing if you can explain to your kids why this subtext is false and that fathers are not only in their lives, but they matter.
* “George A. Romero’s Diary of the Dead“: As zombie films go, this is one of the better ones. Shot mostly on what is supposed to look like handheld cameras, it’s a little herky-jerky, like another hand-held camera story-line film, “Cloverfield.” And like “Cloverfield,” the actors are unknowns. The two are very similar and equally likeable, though this one is even better. This one is also a lot like “28 Days Later,” though without the constant urgent feel to it.
While Romero usually makes left-wing statements against things like capitalism, not the case in this one. This movie, if anything, is a statement that bloggers and YouTubers are the real authentic news of our age.
Several college students are making a horror film in the woods. They soon discover that the world around them is afflicted by a plague of zombies who eat human flesh. Dead humans come back to life as zombies and must be shot through the head in order to be permanently eliminated. As they and a professor drive to get home to their parents, they must fight off the zombies, and some of them succumb. They must shoot off their own.
Throughout, the main character is more concerned with filming the record of what’s happening than he is in even saving his own friends and girlfriend from the zombies. We watch as he eagerly edits and uploads his footage to YouTube and looks on that site for info on what’s going on around the world, as the mainstream news outlets give phony, positive news, rather than grim reports of mass murder of the worldwide zombie plague. We see a Japanese woman’s video warning: “Before bury dead, put bullet in head. First, bullet in head, before bury dead.”
The movie is entertaining, not overwhelming, and even funny at times. Extremely bloody, gory, graphic, and violent. Fun and light, but definitely not for kids.

* “In Bruges“: Colin Farrell plays a UK hitman who goes to Bruges, Belgium with a fellow hitman, at the direction of their ill-tempered boss, Ralph Fiennes. Farrell finishes off a priest, but accidentally murders a young boy in the process. He assuages his guilt in the depressing Bruges with a drug dealer, prostitutes, and an American midget actor filming a movie. He harasses Canadians he thinks are Americans, does drugs, blinds a man, etc., all while his fellow hitman has been assigned to kill him.
This extremely horrid movie is supposed to be a dark comedy and funny like “Pulp Fiction” (which I did not find to be very funny either). Instead, it’s a gratuitiously, violent, bloody, graphic, obscene, with no redeeming quality. There is nothing to like about any of the characters in the movie, save the fellow hitman who has a flicker of last-minute morality. But that’s not good enough to justify this on-screen trash. Depressing and almost two wasted hours of your life you’ll never get back. Skip this at all cost.

By Debbie Schlussel
Earlier this week, I told you how the left-wing, Muslim-pandering Anti-Defamation League chapter of Michigan hosted an event, featuring Hezbollah lawyer and supporter Nabih Ayad. Mr. Ayad’s close associates have been identified by the Kuwaiti newspaper Al-Seyassah as the Michigan agents of Hezbollah and his clients, like Mahmoud Youssef Kourani, are Hezbollah terrorists who smuggled fellow terrorists into this country, while also fundraising for Hezbollah.
Mr. Ayad was invited by ADL Michigan Executive Director Betsy Kellman–a former cable marketer with no expertise in Islam, anti-Semitism, or anything else–and claimed that she had “conducted a background check” of Mr. Ayad and that “terrorists are entitled to lawyers.” Well, yes, they are. So why doesn’t she invite Timothy McVeigh’s and Richard Rudolph’s lawyers to speak at a “diversity” event? Ms. Kellman has made it her practice to “outreach” to other Hezbollah figures in town, for whom she has become something of a verbal Monica Lewinsky.

Now comes word that Ms. Kellman–whom I and none of my Jewish friends ever elected as our “protector”–has been appointed by the FBI as “our” protector against Hezbollah violence in Detroit, should the group follow through on its threats against Jews in response to the assassination of Imad Mughniyeh on Tuesday.
How do I know that Famous But Incompetent has appointed this Hezbollah-apologist Jew as the new protector against Hezbollah? Well, Ms. Kellman called Detroit Free Press resident Islamist and “reporter” Niraj Warikoo to brag about it. She’s like the Sally Field of PC Islamofascism. Look at me–the Politically Correct FBI called me. They like me, they really like me:

The Jewish community in Michigan has gone on alert after threats made by Hizballah leaders in Lebanon involving the killing of Imad Mughniyeh in Syria this week.
But Jewish leaders stressed there have been no specific threats against Jewish institutions in Michigan.
Betsy Kellman, head of the regional chapter of the Anti-Defamation League, said the FBI’s Detroit office contacted her Wednesday to discuss security concerns. The FBI told her it had no specific threats but wanted the community to be aware.
Kellman sent out an e-mail and fax Wednesday to Jewish synagogues and other institutions in Michigan.
It read in part:
“Although there have been no specific threats heard in the state, we are contacting you, just as a precaution, for you to take this opportunity to review all security measures in your buildings and go over emergency procedures. … It is always a good idea to review your security policies and practices.”
Kellman said she sent the alert “not to scare them,” but she said “we have to recognize the fact there are people out there who hate us.”

Um, we DO recognize that fact. Sadly, the utterer of those words–the village idiot, Betsy Kellman, who invites Hezbollah terrorist agents to speak at her events–does not. She is the one who needs to wake the hell up. She really needs to tell it to her mirror . . . before it cracks. And to see yet another person who hates us, well, she can look in her mirror for that, too..
The FBI contacting Hezbollah-panderer Betsy Kellman to protect Jews against Hezbollah is ridiculous. It’s kind of like the FBI contacting mob members in Boston to protect Bostonians.
Oh, wait. The FBI did do that in Boston (where corrupt agents participated hand-in-hand in mob crime and hits on innocent people). My mistake.
I’m thinking maybe next Islamo-panderer and FBI Michigan Special Agent in Charge Andrew Arena can ask Noam Chomsky to protect the Jews, too. How ’bout Goebbels?
If anyone has a reason to fear death from Hezbollah agents in town, it’s me. And Betsy Kellman and her ADL did NOTHING about the four anti-Semitic death threats I got from Muslims here, including two from Hezbollah.
It’s useful idiots, er . . . Jews, from Kellman’s lefty organization that they won’t touch yet . . . until their jihad is complete.
Sickening.
Famous But Incompetent. Asinine Dumb Liberals. They go well together.

By Debbie Schlussel
In late 2006, I was scheduled to be on an ESPN show with Michael C. Hall, the actor who plays “Dexter”–on the eponymous hit Showtime series. The show was canceled, and, thankfully, I never met up with this creepy conspirator in the further coarsening of America.
After hearing rave upon rave about the “Dexter” series, I watched the entire first season on DVD over the holidays. I was thoroughly disgusted at this depraved, nauseating show about a police blood splatter expert who is also a serial killer. (And this program is schlocky, amateurish, and boring, too.) The disturbing news: CBS will now broadcast “Dexter,” beginning Sunday Night.
“Dexter” is nothing more than a multi-episode snuff film. The ruse that gives it a phony “kosher seal of approval” is that those “Dexter” slices to death are, themselves, bad people–drunk drivers, child molesters, killers. So what? That doesn’t make the violence, torture, and snuffing in this film any more palatable or acceptable. For those who think it does, you are fooling yourself into a distinction without a difference.

The show is graphic, sickening in its detailed display of brutal murders conducted by Dexter and those he “investigates,” and only contributes to America in a negative way. I love how liberal ACLU types complain about alleged “torture” on the PC “24,” but they don’t give a damn about such coarsened abominations like “Dexter,” which far outweigh shows like “24” in their desensitizing of and encouraging America to commit unspeakable dismemberment and other fatal violence. The torture on this show far eclipses anything you’ll see Keifer Sutherland’s Jack Bauer commit. But according to liberal doctrine, it is okay to torture to death fellow Americans, just not the terrorists who want to destroy us.
But, I reasoned, “Dexter” is only on Showtime, so it will never gain a wider audience, even with DVD releases. How wrong I was. Because of the now-defunct writers’ strike, CBS will show “Dexter”‘s entire first season, starting this weekend.
It’s yet another downward-marching benchmark in the decline of America. That such bloody slaughter and dismemberment would be shown on the free, conventional broadcast airwaves is a horrible thing.
CBS ought to be ashamed. I am sickened. We should all be outraged. But, sadly, we are not.
Too many Americans are already drinking the “Brawndo.” Just waiting until we have the House of Representin’ giving the makers of “Dexter” Congressional Medals of Honor.
[For readers who are unfamiliar with Brawndo and the House of Representin’, you must see the great movie “Idiocracy,” in which America has declined into a nation of complete idiots who drink a green drink called, “Brawndo,” that is sprinkled on fields to make sure no crops grow.]

By Debbie Schlussel
This story is hilarious and typical of Hollywood.
Remember Kathleen Turner, the once sexy and beautiful star of “Romancing the Stone” and “Body Heat”? Well, now the has-been actress has turned into a fat man and what’s coming out of her mouth–and her pen–is more like Body Odor.
The leftie former bim, in her new memoir, “Send Yourself Roses,” defames actor Nicolas Cage, claiming that he

was arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He’d come across a Chihuahua he liked and stuck in his jacket.

For the record–not that there needs to be one, since who cares enough to buy this has-been’s book?–Cage never stole a Chihuahua or any kind of dog:

I have never been arrested for anything in my life, nor have I stolen a dog. I am reaching out to my fans – many of whom are children – so that they know that I do not condone drunk driving or theft. The reason why you’ve never seen a mug shot of me is because it does not exist.

Cage is suing Turner for libel in the UK, where defamation laws are stricter than they are here.
Also, typical, the yentas on ABC’s hag-fest, “The View,” yesterday, plugged Turner’s phony tome big-time. They asked her a softball question:

Baba Wawa: Nicolas Cage says the book’s allegations against him aren’t true.
Kathleen Turner: Well, that was many years ago, and that’s all I’m supposed to say.

And that was it.
The story of Turner’s phony “revelations” against Cage–her leading man in “Peggy Sue Got Married”–are emblematic of all celebrities’ statements, claims, and political views. They are made up and worth less than half a gumball.
Another lesson: The level of vetting. The publishers and legal team at Turner’s publisher let her allegations go by, without as much of a second look. Do you think writing by someone like me or Ann Coulter–accusing someone of several crimes–would go unvetted?
Don’t bet your life on it.
Turner is an activist in Planned Parenthood, a concept for which she is certainly a poster child.

By Debbie Schlussel
Happy Valentine’s Day, America. I don’t believe in the whole thing, as it’s a cheesy, manufactured holiday for the card, salon, floral, and restaurant industries, etc. It’s not an American or Jewish holiday, so it’s simply not important to me. Men spend way more on it (than women), not because they want to, but because they feel obligated and forced to spend on women. Who wants something someone is artificially forced to give you, rather than something they spontaneously want to give you of their own volition? But guys gotta do it, or they’ll be “in the doghouse.” Sad.
On the other hand, our “friends”, the Saudis, are prohibiting red roses today, because they say that the flowers and the whole Valentine’s Day thing is against Islam. Why? Well, it encourages men and women who are not married to mingle. Islamist crackdowns on Valentine’s Day isn’t anything new. But, gee, I wonder what happened when Saudi Ambassador Adel Al-Jubeir and his homely pro-HAMAS then-concubine, er . . . girlfriend, Campbell Brown, “mingled” (euphemism) on a trip together to Saudi Arabia.

Saudi Soup Nazis: “No Red Roses (or Much Else) For You!”
As you’ve noticed, all week, I’ve been posting JPEG images of candy hearts with different politically appropriate messages on this site (including many that angered the whackjobs at the Nazi-funded Media Matters for America, yesterday). I made them at the Candy Heart Generator, and it’s kind of become a fun, time-wasting addiction. You can make your own in a choice of several pastel colors, plus black goth hearts for things and people you hate.
Here are some more of the hearts I’ve produced, followed by some of the ones I’ve previously posted that got the liberals so hoppin’ mad. Most relate to things I’ve discussed on this site, and for those you might not understand, I’m trying to link to the appropriate columns and posts on this site.
Happy Valentine’s Day, America, and especially to our troops overseas and their families. . . .









*** RERUNS:

By Debbie Schlussel
No, it’s not Friday yet. But to take advantage of that Valentine’s Day dollar, Hollywood has three new releases for you at the box office today. I did not screen “The Spiderwick Chronicles,” due to being stuck in a snowstorm, Tuesday Night when it was screend. Will try to review that for tomorrow. In the meantime, there are these:
* “Jumper“: Not only is this movie short and sweet (at just under 1 hour, 30 minutes), but this sci-fi action adventure thriller is cool and different. Hayden Christensen plays a teen, later adult, who learns–upon almost drowning–that he has a gift to teletransport himself from place to place. Those who can do this are called “jumpers.”

And like many immature teens who learn they can secretly go from place to place, Christensen leaves home and robs banks until he can afford the lifestyle of a millionaire. Then, he grows up and uses his unique power to tour the world. The coolest scene is when we see him having lunch and laying out on a lounge chair atop a the Great Sphinx of Giza amidst the Egyptian Pyraminds. Then we see him pop into a London pub for a one-night stand with a cute blonde he picks up at a pub. No “coyote arm” necessary–as he transports himself back to New York before she wakes up.
And while we’d like to think that, with special powers, comes special responsibilities, that’s not the way it goes. Christensen watches TV on the giant screen in his luxe Manhattan penthouse loft. He sees a disaster somewhere else in the U.S. But he does not transport himself over there to help. This isn’t a deep Albert Schweitzer or liberal do-gooder movie.
Christensen finally decides to look for the crush of his life, his young friend Millie (the beautiful Rachel Bilson), who is now grown up in Ann Arbor. But he’s been discovered by one of the “Paladins,” a class of “jumper”-hunters who, throughout the centuries, capture and kill jumpers. The paladin on his tail is Samuel L. Jackson (in a very bad, very obvious white wig). And Christensen learns he’s not the only jumper.
My biggest objection to this movie is that it’s a little jerky, as Christensen jumps from New York to Tokyo to Ann Arbor, etc. That may be headache-inducing for some. Also, Christensen does some dumb things, which are sure to alert the paladins to his location. And, because it’s a relatively short movie, there isn’t a lot of story development in terms of motivations and reactions, which is not what this movie’s about. It’s a light sci-fi flick. Fun and relaxing, but not deep or even close to a Star Wars level. Entertaining enough, though. And again, very cool.

* “Definitely, Maybe“: This is a low-rate rip-off of “When Harry Met Sally” times three (and far less than a third as funny)–three women, that is. But don’t let that fool you. I found the movie boring, predictable, and only mildly charming.
As I recently wrote, this sappy chick flick is about a guy who works for Bill Clinton’s Presidential campaign, complete with clips of Clinton wagging his finger at us denying sex with “That woman, Ms. Lewinsky,” Gennifer Flowers footage, and Clinton parsing words when he got caught lying under oath. Hard to tell if this is a wet kiss or kiss-off for Hillary, since Hollywood made it before Obama was considered a viable candidate.
I didn’t like this movie on so many levels, foremost of which was that it’s about a father telling his young daughter (about age 9 or so) about his sex and love life bouncing between three women. Um, do you discuss the word “three-some” with your daughter (at any age)? Didn’t think so. That whole father-daughter discussion just annoyed me throughout the film because it’s soooooo inappropriate, and, well, kind of disgusting. The word “Eeuuww” comes to mind.
Ryan Reynolds plays a bored advertising exec–he’s the former Clintonite–who is getting divorced and picks his young daughter (Abigail Breslin) up from school. He learns that she is learning sex ed and she asks him about “penetration” and other graphic descriptions of sex. He then tells her the story about how he met her mother and two other women in his life. Like I said, the discussion is pretty detailed.
The three women: Elizabeth Banks, Rachel Weisz, and unwed-mom-to-Borat’s-kid Isla Fisher, play Reynolds’ three “loves.” The way he pathetically bounces back and forth between only these three from collee to post-divorce in almost two hours, it basically is a “threesome.” And it’s annoying and hardly believable.
The worst thing about the movie is that the three women act like men and Reynolds–the guy–is the chick in this movie. Yup, that’s the new empowerment. All hail the new feminized Valentine’s Day.

By Debbie Schlussel
Question for America:
While Pennsylvania’s U.S. Senator Arlen Specter is hauling NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell into his office to investigate Bill Belichick’s lifetime of video cheating in a game; While the House Committee on Oversight and Government Affairs, complete with Nostril Man Henry Waxman and Jihad Darrell a/k/a Darrell Issa, interrogates Roger Clemens, trainer Brian McNamee, and Andy Pettitte regarding a game; Do you think that:
* Osama Bin Laden is holding hearings to see whether the Al-Qaeda soccer and beheading league is cheating using video surveillance?
* Hezbollah’s Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah is hauling Hezbo terrorists in for Al-Manar televised hearings on whether they got steroids injected up their butts while they murdered Americans and Israelis?

* HAMAS’ jihadist soccer league is holding hearings to see who is “cheating” with enhancement substances prior to the next homicide bombing?
Or do you think that these people are laughing at our U.S. House and Senate and planning more attacks to murder Americans, Jews, Christians, Westerners?
So glad our Congress has its priorities in order. Alhamdillullah [praise allah].
Trust me on this: There ain’t no “he said/he said” like this going on amongst our enemies. But they are, indeed, laughing their asses off at America.

By Debbie Schlussel

A member of the Stethem family wrote this great column she wrote for the New York Sun on the assassination of Hezbollah military chief Imad Mughniyeh. Mughniyeh helped torture and assassinate Robert Dean Stethem, the U.S. Navy diver on hijacked TWA Flight 847. As I’ve noted before, Stethem was tortured to death because he was an American, an American soldier, and because he refused–amidst much torture and stomping–to denounce America. That is the definition of a true patriot.
Excerpts:

American Hero Robert Dean Stethem, Rest In Peace

Imad Mugniyah is, most tragically, a Stethem household name. His career of terror and exploits of destruction are well known to our family. One incident in particular is all too close to home. Imad Mugniyah was the Hezbollah mastermind of the 1985 TWA Flight 847 hijacking during which U.S. Navy Diver Robert Dean Stethem was brutally tortured and then murdered.
The memory of Robert’s bravery and heroism during his ordeal was formally recognized and forever preserved for posterity in the commissioning of the USS Stethem, an Aegis class guided missile destroyer. The ship motto is “Steadfast and Courageous,” a fitting tribute to this brave American son lost all too soon. The list of Imad Mugniyah’s acts of hatred is heartbreaking. . . .
As my husband held the phone and listened quietly, his expression was one of both relief and reserve.
There is, of course, the hesitancy of the civilized mind in the actual rejoicing over the death of another human being. That being said, this particular death is one for which we are thankful and in which we find relief. . . .
It is fitting that he would meet the same kind of violent fate as did so many of his victims. This time, the blood on his hands was his own. . . .
Hell’s gates have swung wide open and swallowed one whom earth has regurgitated. He will not be comforted and his cries will be unheard. Imad Mugniyah is now denied the same mercy that he refused his victims.
The death of Imad Mugniyah does not bring back Robert Stethem. That son was ripped from his parents, snatched from his sister and brothers. He is a distant memory to one nephew and but a revered shadow to his other nephew and nieces. The murder of Robert Stethem was a devastating loss to his family. But it is the knowledge of Rob’s unspeakably brutal suffering that was and remains their agony. Time heals the sting of a personal loss. What time cannot touch is an imagination haunted by thoughts of a loved one’s torture for 15 hours, alone, on the other side of the world without a chance to be kissed goodbye or to be told how very much he would be missed.

As the Stethem Family and countless other freedom-loving Americans agree, despite Hezbollah’s claims, Imad Mughniyeh is not a martyr. He is a monster. And he is not enjoying 72 mythical virginal rape victims-in-waiting. He is rotting and burning in jehenim [Arabic for “hell”].
In the Stethem family, yesterday was a new day. Read the whole thing!

By Debbie Schlussel
Last year, Jane Fonda made the feel-good seduce-a-teen-Mormon-missionary child-molestation movie of the year. Now, this from Hanoi Jane–uttering the C-word–on this morning’s “Today Show.”
Time for a little equality for the sexist term, “dirty old man.” This is one Dirty Old Woman. Make that Treasonous Dirty Old Woman. I always suspected that she wasn’t exactly “acting” when she played a prostitute in “Klute”.
Exit Question #1: Why does this woman love using the C-word, which only she best defines?
Exit Question #2: Who wants to file the first complaint against both Hanoi Jane and NBC with the FCC?
Exit Question #3: Which lesbian producer of “The Today Show” thinks that the V in Valentine’s Day stands for “Vagina Monologues”?

Hey, you traitorous B*tch. Your C-word describes you well.