February 25, 2011, - 12:47 pm

Weekend Box Office: Hall Pass, Drive Angry 3D

By Debbie Schlussel

Utter, complete garbage at the movies, this weekend.  Neither of the new releases is worth your $10 or two hours of life you’ll have wasted.  Both movies are vulgar, vile, and disgusting, and you don’t need to be a prude to get that. This weekend, movie theaters across America are officially the nation of Dreck-istan.

*  “Hall Pass“:  Two words:  Joy Behar.  Anything that has her in it should be enough to keep you far, far away (even if she’s only in a few scenes).  I liked this better the first time I saw it . . .  when it was called, “Divorce American Style.”  The premise of this movie could have been interesting, if it didn’t devolve into a disgusting, raunchy piece of utter garbage, with few jokes worth laughing at.  Oh, and did I really need repeat close-up shots of two penises in my face on the screen?  The point of the Squirrely, er . . . Farrelly Brothers in doing this is to let you know that Black men have large penises and White Irish men have tiny ones.  Thanks for the tip, racists.

As usual, there’s a strong tie between purveying garbage and purveying liberalism.  Director/writer Peter Farrelly gave tens of thousands of dollars to the Democratic Party and the campaigns of Barack Obama, John Kerry, Al Franken, Wesley Clark, the Clintons, many other liberal candidates, and the National Democratic Senatorial and Congressional Campaign Committees. Figures. Only liberals are allowed to make racist, sexist crap like this and be celebrated for it.

The “plot” of this celluloid cesspool:  two middle-aged, married, geeky husbands (Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis) in suburban Providence repeatedly check out younger, sexier women and wish they could have sex with them.  Their wives  (Christina Applegate and Jenna Fischer) get fed up and, on the advice of psychiatrist Joy Behar, give their husbands a “hall pass,” a week off from marriage to do whatever they want and sleep with whomever they want.  The theory is that these middle-aged geeks will not be able to get what they think they could have if they were not “shackled” to their wives and families. As always in sexist, anti-male Hollywood fare like this, men are portrayed as sex-obsessed dolts and morons. But the women are civilized geniuses.

Chock full of melodrama, crying, screaming, and other stuff I didn’t need or want at what is supposed to be an escapist movie, this piece of crap is literally filled with crap.  The jokes include four men eating too many marijuana-laced brownies and one of them defecating in the sand trap on the golf course.  To remove any doubt, the Farrelly Bros show you the guy’s naked butt squatting, and a pile of fecal material underneath him.  Haha, funny.  In another scene, a woman splatters fecal material all over a bathroom wall.  Hilarious . . . if you’re an imbecile.  And then there are the penis close-ups and topless women.  When weak filmmakers rely on that–filth and dung–for laughs, do I really need to tell you that this is a truly sh—y movie?  Fifteen years ago, this would have been rated NC-17, at the very least.

While there were a few cheap laughs, I mostly sat in stone cold silence as the many morons at the screening laughed like crazy.  This is one of those increasing number of cases where snobbery and elitism are highly under-rated.  “Hall Pass” is a combined national IQ and taste test for America.  If you like it, you failed–you have no class.  And even less intellect.  And it confirms your membership in the very simple and easy to please masses.  That’s why I predict it will be a blockbuster hit at the box office, this weekend.

There’s no accounting for good taste in America.  It’s as rare as these crappy movies are common.  Have fun in the sewer, America.  Great nations never last under the weight of all this fecal material.

FOUR MARXES PLUS AN OBAMA PLUS A BIN LADEN
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Watch the trailer . . .

*  “Drive Angry 3D“:  Absolutely horrible and gratuitously violent to the max, not to mention extremely long and boring.  Trailers for this movie present it as something like “Taken.”  Don’t believe the hype.  This movie is nothing like “Taken,” which was terrific (read my review).  Instead, it’s nearly two hours of torture-porn and killing-porn, plus many gratuitous shots of naked women running around and having sex in semi-core porn scenes.  And the “plot”–if you can call it that–is incredibly dumb.  No surprise, as this movie was written by Todd Farmer, a Hollywood writer/actor who never grew up and is obviously in the middle of a mid-life crisis.  Or, maybe, he’s just led an entire life of utter low-class pride in screenwriting complete trash like “Jason X,” “My Bloody Valentine,” “Halloween III,” and “Hellraiser.”  He also co-stars and–shocker–puts himself in one of the sex scenes.

Nicolas Cage plays a father who has returned to earth from hell to find the cult leader who murdered his daughter and to reclaim his kidnapped granddaughter.  All the while he is being pursued by a man with magical powers, called “The Accountant.” Cage drives across the southern East Coast together with a beautiful waitress (Amber Heard, who does a very lousy Southern accent).  Together they have sex with and kill multiple people, with graphic dismemberment and body parts flying at you in 3D.  Charming.   It’s clear that Nicolas Cage did this movie to pay his giant IRS bill.  Or maybe he really thinks it’s fun to play a bad-ass while serving up complete junk to America.  And just like, “Hall Pass,” above, this movie would have been at least NC-17, not long ago.

Like I said, the movie is absolutely disgusting, vile, filthy, graphic, and just flat-out sleazy.  While there are a few brief cool uses of 3D, that’s irrelevant to this utter and complete garbage.  A complete bucket o’ feces. And that’s being generous.

FOUR MARXES PLUS A BIN LADEN
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Watch the trailer . . .

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38 Responses

Debbie, I am sorry that you have to do so many movie reviews. Because I would have given these movies the same score you did just based upon seeing the trailers. I knew instantly to stay far, far away from both of these. Total waste of time.

You have my sympathies!

Sorry on February 25, 2011 at 1:03 pm

What a load of crap to serve up to the already brain-dead American public. What a bloody shame.

Can that dope Owen “The Butterscotch Stallion” Wilson EVER do a movie not made for a 15 year old boy? He’s so gross and I am so sure he is soooo proud of himself.

Great point on Nick Cage. He USED to do quirky films that I enjoyed (“Wild At Heart”, “Raising Arizona”…) but now he is Pimped out to Hollyweird.

There is nothing better than a great movie. Too bad America does not make them. Just gross crap to debase the citizens even more these days.

What a sick, sad world!

Skunky on February 25, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Why would anyone believe that someone would opt OUT of a weekend with Christina Applegate and/or Jenna Fischer? So much for suspension of disbelief, right there.

Stevie the K on February 25, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Hey…its in 3D! It must be good! lol

CCCP on February 25, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Anything with that hag, Joy Behar, I’m avoiding and not wasting my time with. As for Christina Applegate, I liked her in Married with Children (which happens to be my favorite sitcom of all time), and she was pretty good in a few films (Don’t Tell Mother The Babysister’s dead, 1991),and I also believe that she appeared in a few theather plays as well? So Schlussel, your right about the films coming out this weekend, I won’t be watching them, I’ll be watching sports and a few old films on Turner Classic Movies.

“A nation is defiend by it’s borders, language & culture!”

Sean R. on February 25, 2011 at 1:53 pm

What a fool Nicolas Capola must be, he squandered his fortune for all these years now he’s forced to put his image in anything that comes around. Why isn’t he sharing a cell with Wesley Snipes I’ll never know.
My Ex and I was poking fun at the blight of reality shows on TV today (approx. 4 years ago) and she said “Whats next? soon they’ll just start filming poeple going to the bathroom and think its funny.” Well here we are.

Anthony on February 25, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Skunky writes, “Great point on Nick Cage. He USED to do quirky films that I enjoyed (“Wild At Heart”, “Raising Arizona”…) but now he is Pimped out to Hollyweird.”

He also used to do action flicks, however formulaic, where he at least played characters worthy of respect (“The Rock”, “Con-Air”).

Raymond in DC on February 25, 2011 at 2:37 pm

My wifes english period dramas are actually not too bad when compared to the crap they churn out these days. Stuff I’d never seen before from the 70′s and on that I ws never prone to even think about are okay now.lol

samurai on February 25, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Shame on vogue and shame on joan buck to do interview with the Asad dictator and the whole interview was a lies and I heard that’s she got a lot i mean a lot of money for the article.

Amal on February 25, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Thanks Amal. I was out-of-my mind when I read that last weekend. The article is DISGUSTING and they made Asma Assad look like she was “First Lady” of a benign country like New Zealand or something.

    No mention of of her Hubby al-Assad and his terror supporting. No mention of him being one of the ten worst dictators in the world. No mention of why a London educated “modern” woman like her would even stand to be married to such a tyrant.

    And she loves to tease young children and make them cry (as well as Skankelina and her wife Brad Pitt) ‘cuz she’s a nasty piece of work (all depicted in the said “Vogue” article). Oh and she had the balls to say Jews were treated so well in Syria.

    Skunky on February 25, 2011 at 4:07 pm

      New Zealand, which bans production of Kosher Meats in country and is genteelly antisemitic, is not a benign country. Worthless, useless idiots. I was a Permanent Resident in 2006-2007.

      Occam's Tool on February 25, 2011 at 4:10 pm

        Sorry OT. I was trying to think of a benign country and NZ just popped up in my head. I did NOT know that about the Kiwis but I must admit…I am very much into Australia but have really no interest in NZ. I know the Aussie like to make fun of the Kiwis…sorta like the US and Canadians.

        That being said, read the article and you’ll see what I mean. It’s totally outrageous.

        Skunky on February 25, 2011 at 9:54 pm

          Skunky, you are extraordinarily sweet. There’s a reason Aussies make fun of Kiwis, and there’s a reason that there is a net migration from N-Zed to Oz. I just have an automatic slam whenver I see a nice thing reported about New Zealand.

          All that being said, I have read many of them, and I love reading your posts. You are a decent and good human being to judge from them. G-d Bless. The Assads are Asshats, it is true.

          Occam's Tool on February 26, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Watched A Decade Under The Influence on one of the movie channels one day, it was clips of 1970′s movies, to compare the movies then and now is just amazing. The Godfather,Network,One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest,China Town,etc. The quality then and now is just worlds apart,what happened to the movie industry?

Jo on February 25, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I can’t believe they show Joy Behar in the ads. *shudder* Seeing her is more disgusting than poop in a sandtrap.

Also, based on the t.v. ads, I had no idea “Drive Angry” was even a fantasy/horror movie. How is Cage not a direct-to-video only star at this point? Escaped from hell, indeed, he must have a faustian contract that keeps him making movies.

ShoWest on February 25, 2011 at 3:50 pm

It’s time, Debbie. You must, must, must add a “bucket-o-feces” icon to your Marx/Reagan/Obama/Osama system. I’ll design it!

Patrice Stanton on February 25, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Dear Debbie: What did you think of Gnomeo and Juliet? I’m thinking of watching it with my amazing Munchkins (ages 7).

Occam's Tool on February 25, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Well, at least Joy Behar has finally found her element.

Little Al on February 25, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Don’t worry. I’m not planning to see either of those movies. To be honest,I doubt that few in this country could even stand those movies without running to the theater exits.

Ghostwriter on February 25, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Four marxes, an obama, and an osama!?!?!

Ho-lee Shee-yit!

Communism, communism+islam+Americacide, and islam again? Yikes.

That means EVERYONE in USGOV (Especially DoD, ‘intelligence’ disservices, and the military), NYC, Chicago, LA, unions, the media, state government, the judiciary, all schoolteachers K-12 and university, et al will see it. The New America.

Abdullah al-Saud bin Jihad on February 25, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Medal of Freedom should be awarded to DS, for the countless hours subjected to the lowest depravities any nervous system should have to endure for like-minded citizens.

Lars on February 25, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Nothing surprising here. I’ve heard that the three “Jackass” movies have now surpassed the first three “Star Wars” films both at the box office and in DVD sales (although thankfully, the latter hasn’t inspired a line of action figures…yet).

Irving on February 25, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Debbie said “Thanks for the tip, racists.”

Pun intended?

Another way to tell it’s crap is when the trailer doesn’t actually match what the film is really about. You also see when a trailer suddenly changes and promotes the film in a completely different way. When the original trailer doesn’t seem to be working so they remix it to try a different sale. Same crap just a new package.

ender on February 25, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Dear Debbie,

I really think you should save your “Bin Ladin” stamps for those movies that praticularly stick out in the anti-semetic scumbag arena. I watched by mistake a movie called “It’s sort of a funny story” and if you are looking for ripping a movie and plopping a number of Bin Ladin’s I highly recommend you see the non-sensical inclosure of good muslim/bad Jew analogy thrown in no doubt to appeaze some Arab financers.

Alan Sorkin’s self-hating Jewish portrayal in the “Social Network” is minor compared to this piece of islamic propaganda.

Thank me anytime for this addition to ultimate movies to dispise and keep on reviewing.

I included in my link my spoof of “Cairo Time” for getting you in the mood.

Fred on February 26, 2011 at 12:41 am

I used to think when i was younger movies like Cheech and Chong, UP IN SMOKE, PORKY’S. BACHELOR PARTY were funny but stupid. However seeing the crap that is coming out, those mentioned movies are classics and way better made. Debbie is right: when the “comedy” relies defacating, showing sex organs, and other vulgarities, its time to watch something else, hopefully in better taste.

Mario on February 26, 2011 at 1:09 am

Those movies do look like garbage, but you are a very negative and uptight person. What kind of person this upset over a few crappy movies? Settle down. It’ll be okay

Landon Mosiondz on February 26, 2011 at 2:08 am

There’s a good reason why there is such thing as the Internet – some of the best talent not tainted by Holly-weird convention reside here, offering original, low budget but well written films. The acting sometimes leave a lot to be desired, but what the heck? The hungrier you are, the harder you work.

Oh… and there’s also the torrent.

The Reverend Jacques on February 26, 2011 at 3:07 am

“I used to think when i was younger movies like Cheech and Chong, UP IN SMOKE, PORKY’S. BACHELOR PARTY were funny but stupid. However seeing the crap that is coming out, those mentioned movies are classics and way better made. Debbie is right: when the “comedy” relies defacating, showing sex organs, and other vulgarities, its time to watch something else, hopefully in better taste.”

Oh God,Mario,please.Those things were, and still are, the brain-dead crap of their time,and even comparing them to today’s garbage doesn’t make them any better.Brain-dead then,and now – especially,the Porky’s “films”.

Phineas on February 26, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Oh God,Mario,please.Those things were, and still are, the brain-dead crap of their time,and even comparing them to today’s garbage doesn’t make them any better.Brain-dead then,and now – especially,the Porky’s “films”.

    Phineas on February 26, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Reply

    I thought UP IN SMOKE was a lot of fun. Thanks for reminding me of it, Mario.

    Miranda Rose Smith on February 27, 2011 at 7:47 am

What kind of movie script and plot do you REALLY expect from a generation of Caliphony people whose ‘relationships’ – let alone marriages – last anywhere from 5 days to 5 years max? It’s true: You write what you know. And these people know s***.

Not Ovenready on February 26, 2011 at 6:33 pm

The gap between humans and animals is narrowing. The quality of culture by and large in our society is the lowest it has been in thousands of years. Judging from the cave paintings, prehistoric man had a higher cultural level than we do now.

Little Al on February 26, 2011 at 7:58 pm

How can you insult squirrels by calling the Farrelly brothers “squirrely?” I haven’t watched a Farrelly brothers movie since THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY.

Miranda Rose Smith on February 27, 2011 at 4:36 am

Thank you for the reviews, Debbie. That’s two more must-skip movies.

I’m disappointed in Owen Wilson. I like him and yet he’s reducing himself to taking part in such a crappy movie like Hall Pass.

JeffE on February 27, 2011 at 10:35 am

Too many people have way to much money to waste and too much time on their hands. When I read these reviews it just reinforces my decision to rarely go to the movies. Besides the terrible movies, one has to put up with annoying and rude teens and 20 somethings playing on their cell phones during the entire movie. If we do go, it’s at the end of the movie’s run when we and four other adults can enjoy the picture.

JeffT on February 27, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Drive Angry 3D was one of the best Action Car Chase Testosterone flicks I have seen to date – Cannot wait to get it on DVD – Sorry but you guys need to learn how to have fun which sorry to say, you do not know how to do – You want entertainment then see it!!! I go to the movies to escape reality – I guess you enjoy reality too much to have fun and escape the Real World!

Mark Fields on February 28, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Sorry, but conservatives are the ones making trashy, immoral movies these days. Liberals are the only people with any moral sense left in America. The conservatives are the worst of the worst – disgusting, evil, abominations in the eyes of the Lord.

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