By Debbie Schlussel
**** SCROLL DOWN FOR UPDATE ****

Oh my G-d. Have I just like ruined my whole career?

That’s what actress Halle Berry asked Friday Night on “The Tonight Show,” after she showed Jay Leno a distorted photo of herself with a giant nose, commenting that it’s “like my Jewish cousin.” (She was on to promote her awful “Things We Lost in the Fire” movie, which–schadenfreude!–bombed big-time. Today, it’s at #15 in box office returns.)
Of course, if you were watching, you didn’t see/hear that because, as The New York Post’s Page Six reports, Jay Leno and his NBC friends saved her by editing out the word “Jewish.” Would they have saved a conservative this way? Watch the video (thanks to Allah for locating it) and tell me:

Please also tell me: Where are all the Ann Coulter critics who are so concerned with Anti-Semitism? I guess a bigoted, liberal (half)Black actress gets a pass where a conservative, blonde, white commentator does not. What was that which George Orwell said about all the animals in the barnyard being equal, but some being more equall than others?
BTW, in case you haven’t heard, Berry & her male model boytoy are expecting a baby. Let’s hope he/she/it isn’t born with a nose like her “Jewish cousin.” Otherwise, she’s takin’ it straight to the plastic surgeon for some work (just like she got on her own “Jewish cousin” nose–thanks to reader Lexi for the tip on that).
As reader Maxine Weiss comments:

Why does Halle Berry get a pass after making a totally anti-Semitic remark ?
Yet, everybody jumps over Ann Coulter for essentially …nothing ???????
Halle Berry’s is the far worse remark, because she was talking about physical characteristics, in a very derogative way.
Coulter was just discussing religious differences in general.

A comment best made to the Nazi-funded Media Matters for America gang a/k/a “The New Anti-Semitism Police.” What’s the matter, Media Matters–Cat Got Your (“Jewish Cousin’s”) Nose (and Tongue)?
So, where have I heard similar comments about the “Jew nose” before? Oh yeah, now I remember . . . .
Since the Berry “Jewish Cousin’s” nose cat is out of the bag, trust me on this: She won’t get the Mel Gibson or Ann Coulter treatment anytime soon. Instead, it’ll be the equivalent of her quickly wiping a speck of dust off her shoe.
Don’t get me wrong. I can laugh at myself and my ethno/religious group with the best of them. But what’s good for the Goose is good for the Halle. And clearly, Jay Leno and NBC had a problem with it, or they wouldn’t have secretly edited it out.
**** UPDATE/Exit Question: How much did Apple pay Halle Berry for this interesting bit of Mac “product placement”?

By Debbie Schlussel
**** UPDATE, 10/25/07: Mrs. Bush dons the Islamic Headscarf (Hijab) for Saudi Women in Breast Cancer Tour. See Photos. ****
Trite But True: A Picture is, INDEED, Worth a Thousand Words.
I’ve written–twice (here and here)–about First Lady Laura Bush’s absurd Breast Cancer Awareness Tours of the Extremist Islamic World. Now comes this picture from AP that says it all. It’s a photo of Mrs. Bush posing with two United Arab Emirates (our “moderate” “ally”) alleged breast cancer survivors, Shareefa Sayed Al-Hashemi and Nabaweia Hussein Al Zaabi. I say “alleged breast cancer survivors” because–with those disguises–we have no clue who they are or even if they’re women (yes, I know that men get breast cancer, too). And, as we know, everything from the Muslim Mid-East is done for maximum propaganda effect, as if to say: “We’re just like you American women.” Riiiiight–Just. Like Us!
I’ve posted a few of my choice captions. Would love to read yours in the comments section. I’ve also posted USA Today’s caption, below, after my own.

“Religion of Peace” Sandwich
Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, See No Evil
Future Bush Family Photo. Those Are The Twins.
Future New York Runway During Fashion Week
Islamic Diversity: Eye-Slit, No Eye-Slit. “As I’ve Always Told George, Muslim Women Have a Lot of Choices.”
“Honor Killings, Schmonor Killings. As We Say in Texas, Breast Cancer is Definitely the Biggest Crisis Facing Muslim Women in the Mid-East.”
“Gotta Get Some of These Gorgeous High Fashions From Designers Donna Koran and Anti-Christian Dior For My Twin Daughters.”
“I’m Sure Lack of Exposure to Sunshine & Vitamin D Has Nothing to do With the High Rate of Breast Cancer in the Islamic World.”
SEXY: Mrs. Bush Poses With the Muslim World’s Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton
Woman On Our Left, Bush’s Right: “My Pink Ribbon is Under There . . . Somewhere.”
Woman on Our Right, Bush’s Left: After the Photo, She Was Sentenced to Stoning for Immodest Decoration
Woman on Our Right, Bush’s Left: “Ribbon? What Pink Ribbon? That’s My Seeing Device.”
Which One’s Ashley & Which One’s Mary Kate [Olsen]?
Callback Auditions for Saudi Playboy’s Twin Edition
Regular Price. Four Bucks. Four Bucks
All Three of These Women Can Ask for a Divorce From Their Husbands. Only One Can Get It.
New Al-Jazeera Comedy: “My Three Wives,” Starring George Al-Bush.
Only One of These Women Can Drive in Saudi Arabia. Oh, Wait, None of These Women Can Drive in Saudi Arabia.
Suha Arafat to Hillary Clinton: The Jews Poisoned Our Water With Cancer; UAE Women to Laura Bush: Evil Zionists, er . . . Israeli Jews, Aren’t Allowed In Our Country. But, Somehow We Got Breast Cancer Anyway.
National Organization for Women, Jihadi Caucus
Future Iowa Presidential Caucus
So, Three Chicks Walk Into a Bar, er . . . Mosque. No Punchline. Just Beheading.
Mrs. Pander Claus Visits the Gulf
America’s First Lady Moderates Debate of Our Time: “Niqab vs. Burqa”
“Chopping Off Cancer-Ridden Breasts? Lady, In Our Country, We Prefer Chopping Off Heads.”
“No, Mrs. Bush, ‘Chop-Chop Square‘ is Not Where We Perform Mastectomies”
Girls Night Out: Nicholas Berg Video Screening Party
Made From Scarlett Al-Hara’s Drapes During the Eternal Muslim Civil War
But Which One is the Real Jedi Master? And Where is Boba Fett?

**** UPDATE: Here’s the photo in color. I can see I was mistaken. With breast cancer pink in the background, I now realize that these women are “moderate” and “peaceful” and not repressed at all.

File Under: Bush Concerned Over Chopping Off Breasts in the Land Where They’re More Concerned With Chopping Off . . .

By Debbie Schlussel
I expected I’d get the CAIR e-mail gloating in my inbox over today’s Holy Land Foundation trial verdicts. And, sure enough, I did. That was one of the reasons a victory in today’s trial was so important. CAIR was an unindicted co-conspirator, along with a host of other Islamic organizations that front for and support terrorism. And CAIR raised money for the Holy Land Foundation, despite loud “clues” that it was financing HAMAS “martyrs.”
And with today’s Justice Department loss, which I predicted, there is the highly audible cheering of Islamists–including CAIR–all over America, also very predictable. But as for CAIR’s reaction, while I disagree that these were innocents–CAIR knows and we all know (but for the jury) that they were knowingly funding terrorism–I can’t say I disagree with this excerpt of it. We lost, they won. And the consequences are deadly:

CAIR: Council on American-HAMASic Relations
Gloats About Getting Away With Terrorist-Funding

The Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) called today’s declaration of a mistrial in the case against the Texas-based Holy Land Foundation (HLF) Muslim charity a “stunning defeat” for the prosecution.
CAIR also said the absence of a single guilty verdict on 197 charges brought by the prosecution in the terror financing trial will help reinforce the Muslim community’s faith in America’s system of justice.
The jury initially brought back “not guilty” verdicts on the government’s most serious charges of material support for terrorism against the five HLF officials. However, jurors were deadlocked on other charges, forcing the judge to declare the mistrial.

The rest of their gloatation here (thanks to LGF).
Yes, it is a stunning defeat for good and right. And it does help reinforce Muslims’ faith in our “justice” system, because no matter what, there won’t be justice against them only for them and against us.
It is an incredible failure for those who tried this case. Though, they will hardly know it. They will move on to the next case, while more lives will be lost.
Taking bets: How long ’til the Holy Land for Relief and Development puts its shingle back up and once again opens for biz? Not long. Don’t worry. If not under the HLF name, then reconstituted under another.
It’s coming. And we’re losing.

By Debbie Schlussel
Forget about the Internet. Who needs the “inventor” of that when you have a real expert on renewable energy resources, like . . . George Clooney?! Yup, he is now going to help us with new forms of energy. What’s next, Angelina Jolie working on foreign policy? Oh, wait . . . that’s happened.
Well, no-one can say that George Clooney hasn’t already become expert in producing one source of renewable energy–hot air. Crazy:

Swatch Group’s new company for renewable energies’ management board will include Hollywood star George Clooney, who was selected over Nobel prize winner Al Gore, said Swatch Group chairman Nicolas Hayek in an interview with Swiss newspaper Berner Zeitung.
‘Actually I hesitated between Al Gore and Clooney,’ said Hayek.

Smug Know-it-all George Clooney With His Renewable Energy Source

But Gore — who was awarded the Nobel Prize for his environmental campaigning efforts — was dropped as it was feared that he could run for the US presidency.
The company will be based in Biel, and Hayek will take on the chairman post in the management board of this new company.
In August, Swatch had announced that it will join forces with energy firm Groupe E, an international bank, and the Swiss federal institutes of technology ETH to start this company.

Let’s hope it does better than Clooney’s “Michael Clayton” is doing at the box office.
Hmmm . . . maybe, next, Clooney can pick himself up a Nobel Peace Prize, too. After all, Al Gore beat a woman who saved Jews during the Holocaust with his more worthy efforts at producing fright-inducing science fiction theories and accompanying whining film.
Clooney or Gore–was this a choice between the two most annoying, hypocritical celebs trying to worm their way into policy?

By Debbie Schlussel
Why is it that I know about Soulja Boy and Akon and Snoop, but I never knew a thing about Major General Lucius Theus, who lived right in my own backyard?
Why is it that most Black Americans also never heard of Theus? As I live in a Black neighborhood, I asked some of my neighbors if they’d ever heard of him. They hadn’t.
Last week, this impressive man–who became one of the first Black Generals in the U.S. Air Force–died only a few miles from where I live. But, sadly, most of us only learned about this World War II vet/Tuskegee Airman from a couple of obits in the paper, Saturday. From the Detroit Free Press:

Retired Air Force Maj. Gen. Lucius Theus was a trailblazer in the Air Force and a catalyst for change in the military.

WWII Vet/Maj. Gen. Lucius Theus, RIP

Gen. Theus was the first African-American combat support officer to be promoted to brigadier general and one of only three members of the African-American World War II 332nd Fighter Group, known as the Tuskegee Airmen, to receive that rank.
Gen. Theus died Monday, Oct. 15, 2007, in Providence Hospital in Southfield. He was 85.
He was the driving force of the Tuskegee Airmen National Historical Museum’s fundraising dinner and first winner of the Tuskegee Airmen National Historical Museum’s Major General Lucius Theus Award of Excellence.
Harry Stewart had known Gen. Theus since he was a recruit in 1943 and called his death “a loss for the nation.”
“He was not only the heart of the Detroit chapter of the Tuskegee Airmen and National Tuskegee Airmen, but the legs, arms and soul,” Stewart said. “He was helpful not only to me but other recruits that came into the service.”
Gen. Theus, a native of Madison County, Tenn., earned a Bachelor of Science degree from the University of Maryland in 1956, a master’s degree in business administration from George Washington University in 1957, and was a 1969 graduate of the Harvard Advanced Management Program, Harvard University Graduate School of Business Administration.
He entered the Army Air Corps in December 1942. He attended the Army Administration School at Atlanta University and served in a variety of cadet and basic training squadrons at Keesler Field in Mississippi. . . . He retired in 1979.
His military decorations and awards include the Congressional Gold Medal, Distinguished Service Medal, Legion of Merit and the Bronze Star Medal. . . .
He will be buried in Arlington National Cemetery. Send memorial tributes to the Tuskegee Airmen National Museum, P.O. Box 32549, Detroit, MI 48232.

Sadly, Lucius Theus will not get the glory that drug pimp, gangster, and cold-blooded killer Frank Lucas gets in the silver-screen debut of “American Gangster” in a couple of weeks. And Denzel Washington will not be bragging about helping get Theus a house the way he did for Lucas–who spent too short a time in prison, just 8 years. Theus bought his own house, thank you. Will Denzel ever portray someone like Maj. Gen. Theus or Dr. John Withers on the silver screen? If he does, it won’t get the attention and the buzz “Gangster” is getting.
And we wonder why kids grow up to pursue the hip-hop life of drugs, crime, and loserdom. Thanks, Hollywood.
It may be “Hard Out Here For a Pimp,” as the Academy Award winning song goes. But It’s Anonymous Out Here for a Decent Role Model.
There are plenty out there. They just aren’t getting any attention.
Lucius Theus, Rest in Peace.

By Debbie Schlussel
**** SCROLL DOWN FOR UPDATE ****
Don’t say I didn’t warn you about this. I predicted the Justice Department would lose their case against the Holy Land Foundation for Relief and Development, the Muslim charity that financed HAMAS in concert with CAIR, the Muslim Brotherhood, and virtually every mainstream American Islamic group. And, sadly, I was right.
This morning, the HLF defendants were acquitted on many charges, and on the rest the jury was not unanimous, which means a hung jury–yet another victory for these blantant terrorist financiers–three of the five defendants were acquitted of most of the charges against them. The judge declared a mistrial on those counts, but the fact that the majority of those jurors polled voted for acquittal says all we need to know. We lost, they won. And our “warriors” in the courtroom stink.

Holy Land Foundation HAMAS Financiers
Celebrate Victory Over Impotent Justice Department
I’ve written repeatedly about Justice Department failures to successfully prosecute terrorists. They’ve lost the Sami Al-Arian case (another acquittal/DOJ loss I predicted), the Sami Omar Al-Hussayen case, the Mohammed Salah case, etc., etc., ad nauseam. All of these were incredible–but predictable–failures for the so-called domestic War on Terror. I say “so-called” not because I don’t believe these are terrorists. They definitely are. I say “so-called” because the Justice Department only goes after these parties after years, decades have elapsed. And, even then, it does so only when its hand has been forced, and does so half-heartedly.
In this case, as in the Al-Arian case, the prosecutors threw in so much extraneous garbage into the case that confused jurors’ eyes glazed over from a mostly-diluted, orginally strong case.
Further, the Holy Land Foundation and its employees and associates should have been prosecuted a decade ago, but they weren’t because the government didn’t want to do a damned thing. Then, it was Clinton at the White House. But even under Bush and Ashcroft, they went after the HLF only after FBI Special Agent Robert Wright–who’d been begging for this prosecution for years–went on ABC News and publicly expressed his disgust. Finally, after that, John Ashcroft decided to indict HLF and a few of its minions. But Agent Wright was persecuted, demoted, and nearly fired as a result.
Meanwhile, while the Holy Land Foundation defendants celebrate their tremendous victory over a limp, PC-dominated Justice Department, the man who won their single greatest post-9/11 victory against terrorists, Richard Convertino, continues to stand trial for daring to prosecute Al-Qaeda terrorists and actually win convictions against them.
When I wrote that the DoJ would lose this case, DoJ employee apologists posted dumb comments on this site claiming I didn’t know what I was talking about and commenting on how hard the DoJ was working on this. Ha. Sadly, I knew exactly what I was talking about.
Yes, I predicted the Justice Department would lose, but you could have, too. Their win-loss record against terrorists is worse than that of the Detroit Lions. But in the NFL, it’s not about the life and death of a nation.
America versus the Terrorists . . . Desperate But NOT Serious. For how much longer will we trust American lives–and the lives snuffed out by HAMAS–to these failures at the Justice Department?
This is Exhibit A for treating terrorists like a national security problem, not a criminal one. Exhibit A #2,309 out of so many others:

Because of the confusion, the judge has not officially accepted the three innocent verdicts, which acquitted charity fundraiser Mufid Abdulqader on all counts and two others on most counts: former chairman Mohammed El-Mezain and the group’s New Jersey representative, Abdulrahman Odeh.

Regardless, they’ve won. And we lost. Yet again.
**** UPDATE: Reader M.T. makes a great point:

It is stunning that the US Attorney could not get
a conviction in this case. After all, the US Attorney
managed to secure the convictions of Border Patrol
agents Campean and Ramos when they could not even link
the recovered slug to any weapon, let alone that of
the agents. The other irregularities in the testimony,
evidence handling and the treatment of the “victim” by
the US Atorney’s office is staggering. See what can be
done if you simply put your mind to it?

Exactly right.

By Debbie Schlussel
I have mixed feelings whenever the mainstream media report on this avenue of future terrorist attack or that one. On the one hand, it’s good for the general public to know just how vulnerable we really are and how inept our leaders are–yup, that’s right, even the “counterterrorism President” who has been anything but. We need to know that we are not safe and that our lives are really in our own hands. Any plots the media can expose are good for us to know about.
On the other hand, while none of these new ideas and plots are likely unknown to terrorists–as 9/11 showed, they’re far more imaginative than we are–they do get ideas from our media and our entertainment, as they themselves have acknowledged.

Is This Terrorist Threat Being Ignored?
So why does a major newspaper, like the Boston Globe, feel it’s necessary to give those who want to destroy us the “how to”? Take the Globe’s latest on how terrorists can cheaply and easily attack us with insects. Of course, the terrorists already know about this, but why give them new details, as entomologist Dr. Jeffrey Lockwood does? (It’s a well-done five-page article all of which you should read, but I’ve posted the most important excerpts):

THE TERRORISTS’ LETTER arrived at the office of the mayor of Los Angeles on Nov. 30, 1989. A group calling itself The Breeders claimed to have secretly imported, bred, and released the Mediterranean fruit fly in Los Angeles and Orange counties. And they threatened to expand the attack into the San Joaquin Valley, a major center of California agriculture.
The “Medfly” had appeared that August in survey traps not far from Dodger Stadium, and officials were spraying in an effort to get rid of it. The pest attacks 300 different fruits, vegetables, and nuts, reducing plant tissue to a maggoty pulp that rots and falls to the ground. An established infestation would bring widespread destruction and mean that produce could no longer be shipped out of state, potentially costing 132,000 jobs and $13.4 billion in lost revenues. . . .
One of the cheapest and most destructive weapons available to terrorists today is also one of the most widely ignored: insects. These biological warfare agents are easy to sneak across borders, reproduce quickly, spread disease, and devastate crops in an indefatigable march. Our stores of grain could be ravaged by the khapra beetle, cotton and soybean fields decimated by the Egyptian cottonworm, citrus and cotton crops stripped by the false codling moth, and vegetable fields pummeled by the cabbage moth. The costs could easily escalate into the billions of dollars, and the resulting disruption of our food supply – and our sense of well-being – could be devastating. Yet the government focuses on shoe bombs and anthrax while virtually ignoring insect insurgents.
Indeed, a great strategic lesson of 9/11 has been overlooked. Terrorists need only a little ingenuity, not sophisticated weapons, to cause enormous damage. Armed only with box cutters, terrorists hijacked planes and brought down the towers of the World Trade Center. Insects are the box cutters of biological warfare – cheap, simple, and wickedly effective.
“I can write for you on a postcard a series of different ways to paralyze the agriculture industry of the United States, where we have no possibility of being able to respond,” said Geoff Letchworth, the former director of the US Department of Agriculture’s Arthropod-Borne Animal Diseases Research Laboratory. . . .
Nor would it be difficult to introduce Rift Valley fever, according to Charles Bailey, director of the National Center for Biodefense at George Mason University. A person with $100 worth of supplies, a set of simple instructions, and a plane ticket from an afflicted African nation to the United States could introduce the disease with virtually no chance of being caught, he said. . . .
An entomological attack would not deplete America’s pantries, but it could go a long way to emptying our wallets. In economic terms, the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001, resulted in direct losses of $27.2 billion. The Asian long-horned beetle, which arrived in 1996, together with the emerald ash borer, which was found in 2002, have the potential to destroy more than $700 billion worth of forests, according to the USDA.
Consider the maize borer, a native of India, Thailand, and East Africa that produces seven generations per year. If this pest arrives, the USDA predicts that it would infest cornfields from the Eastern seaboard, across the Gulf Coast, into the Pacific Northwest. With crop losses of 88 percent in other countries, hundreds of millions of dollars of crops are at risk – along with our energy independence as the United States shifts to ethanol-based fuels.
Insect carriers of plant diseases keep orchardists awake at night. A bacterial ailment called citrus variegated chlorosis is carried by a leafhopper, and the disease wiped out 50 million trees in Brazil. The vector is already in Florida; the only missing ingredient is an infusion of the pathogen. What would be the cost of such insect-borne diseases? If an outbreak decimated enough orchards to reduce sales of orange juice by 50 percent for a period of five years, the US economy would lose $9.5 billion – the approximate cost of rebuilding the towers of the World Trade Center from scratch.
Lieutenant Colonel Robert Kadlec, staff director for the US Senate Subcommittee on Bioterrorism and Public Health, has developed scenarios in which saboteurs conscript local insects to inflict $1 billion in damage to the American wine industry and to infest Pakistan’s cotton crop, thereby crippling the country’s economy and destabilizing a vital US ally in its efforts to combat terrorism.
“We’ve thought about car bombs and nuclear materials,” Kadlec said. But “we haven’t thought about weapons that are in the terrorists’ domain and endemic to where they are living.” . . .
In 2003, well after 9/11, the NRC released Countering Agricultural Bioterrorism, a scathing report of America’s vulnerability that concluded that the federal effort was “insufficient for effectively deterring, preventing, detecting, responding to, and recovering from agricultural threats.”
Since then, the government has moved backward, cannibalizing the USDA in order to feed resources into the Department of Homeland Security. In 2003, the White House moved 2,000 inspectors from the Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service – the branch of the USDA responsible for detecting and suppressing invasive pests – to DHS Customs and Border Protection. A Government Accountability Office report released this fall revealed that a majority of the inspectors who were assigned to DHS say their ability to protect agriculture has been compromised by low morale, training deficiencies, equipment shortages, and manpower shortfalls. Nothing gets a lower priority than agriculture in the DHS hierarchy of concern. . . .
For a terrorist group with patience, a slow motion disaster in ecological time would be a perfect tactic against an enemy that thinks in terms of days or months but would, nonetheless, suffer across generations.

It’s a long article, in which Dr. Lockwood cites many examples of how enemies at war were defeated with bugs or other microorganisms infesting them.
Yet, he argues that we should take our resources away from the border and focus them on these instead. And then make it easier for terrorists to smuggle this stuff inside the border?!
Wrong. We need to focus our resources on both issues–borders and destructive organisms. That’s easily done, if only bureaucrats spent Homeland Security’s money wisely, without wasting it on parties in Kansas city for ICE officials or trips to Dearbornistan to party with terrorists and immigration defrauders.
We must focus on all methods available to terrorists, whether it’s sneaking tangible human bodies or invisible bacterial micro-organisms inside our borders. One must not come at the expense of the other.
Our national security is not–or, rather, shouldn’t be–a zero sum game.

By Debbie Schlussel
What happened 45 years ago today? Reader Diego Sevi not only remembers, he was in the midst of it, serving our country in Cuba as President John F. Kennedy addressed the nation about the Cuban Missile Crisis. Diego writes this:

Oct. 22, 1962. JFK was delivering a speech to the nation about the Cuban Missile Crisis.
I was a 18 year old Marine sitting in a bunker on the fence line separating Cuba from Guantanamo Bay Naval Base.
I remember it well. Up to the point of JFK’s speech I had no idea we were on the verge of Nuke Warfare.
Jets screamed overhead and tons of tanks, men and material was being rushed to the lines.
My family in Florida was digging a bomb shelter. The churches were filled. Many thought the end had come.

Inside my bunker we had set up machine guns and Sarge was going from bunker to bunker assigning our fields of fire.
The Captain came in to the bunker and gave us a situational report then he asked,”Any Questions?”
Corporal Crowley spoke up, “Hey Cap, are we gonna get hot chow up here?”

Today, we don’t have a Cuban Missile Crisis. We have an Iranian Madman Nuclear (soon to be Missiles) Crisis. Ahmadinejad is today’s Castro (when Castro was at his peak), only a whole lot worse. He may not be 90 miles away, as Castro was (and remains). But with today’s technology, he’s actually a whole lot closer. Way too close for comfort.
So, will we be up to fighting today’s Hitler? Will we have the will that Diego Sevi and his fellow troops had to fight and do what they had to do? The will America had then?
Sadly, it doesn’t look promising. But Lindsay Lohan’s latest guy or rehab stint? Now that’s important.

By Debbie Schlussel
Yesterday, repeat criminal/rapper Snoop Dogg a/k/a Calvin Broadus turned 36. That’s 4 in hip hop years and 9 in pimp years (with apologies to 4- and 9-year-olds throughout the planet).
And in his “old” age, the pimp/ex-drug dealer/all-around renaissance scumbag is whining about the new hip hop artists who are invading his territory and not reco’nizin’ or representin’. After all, unlike Snoop’s “high brow fare,” they don’t produce “substance material” and “quality album[s]” and won’t “stand the test of time like myself.” Only in America is this kind of chutzpah by a glaring piece of garbage celebrated:

They’re not making substance material – they’re not really going into creating a sound.

“Substance Material . . . Quality” That Will “Stand the Test of Time”?!

It’s all about making the hot song for right now, but the artists who will stand the test of time like myself are about making records, not songs. You got to make a quality album so you can hold people’s attention. It’s like a movie. If you make a movie that got (only) one good scene, ain’t nobody gonna go see it.

Uh-huh. Like the multiple “good scenes” in Snoop Dogg’s work. My favorite one will be him doing community service for illegal weapons possession. If only there were a scene behind bars for the multiple offender.
That’s a “movie” with more than one good scene.
Lest you forget, here’s some of Snoop Dogg’s “substance material” and “quality” that he delusionally believes will “stand the test of time” (Warning: Explicit Language):

Exit Question: Since Snoop got sentenced to picking up trash, can he lift himself off the ground and into a black plastic 40-gallon bag?
“Why Ax [sic] Why?” Juice and gin, my friends.

By Debbie Schlussel
**** UPDATE, 10/21/07: Upon seeing “The Ten Commandments” in its entirety when I was not harried, etc., I feel I did not do it justice. I think it’s a great movie, among the TEN BEST of the year. Definitely take yourself and (if you have one) your family to see it. Way better than “Shrek” et al. ****
Lotta new movies, this weekend–most of them disgusting, bloody, and/or crappy, with the animated “The Ten Commandments” being the only worthy one for you and your family (but it’s VERY worthy):

* “The Ten Commandments“: This animated film depicting the Biblical story of Moses and his leading the Jewish people in their exodus from Egypt is the only movie I recommend this weekend, but I recommend it highly. While the animation is about two years behind the best of animation technology, it is a fantastic movie that I can’t recommend enough. It is very true to the Biblical story. Entertaining, enjoyable, and something you can easily take your kids to see. Forget “Shrek.” This is G=d and Moses. And it does them right.
* “Rendition“: This is, as I like to say about these propaganda films, “high quality Bin Laden cinema,” but low quality to you. This film’s message is that America is the bad guy, torturing innocent, law-abiding, loving Muslims who just want to be Americans. Uh-huh. A blonde American chick misses her innocent Muslim husband, who is kidnapped by the CIA, transferred to a U.S.-allied Arabic country and tortured into confessing to be a terrorist, when he isn’t one. Meanwhile a CIA agent assigned to getting info out of him is disgusted by the torture, which he opposes. The end. Read my complete review.

* “Things We Lost in the Fire“: More like, “Two Hours We Lost in the Theater.” Thought this would be entertaining, but it wasn’t. This long, boring, pointless movie would not make the cut at the Lifetime Channel. Halle Berry plays the wife of a wealthy man in a loving marriage, but her husband (David Duchovny) is suddenly shot to death in a tragedy. She then invites her husband’s druggie best-friend (Benicio Del Toro) to live with her, but while a relationship and sexual tension are hinted at without any action or resolution, that’s it. The end. Like I said, pointless. Lots of crying, screaming, and Lifetimes Channel fare. And a waste of time. Melodrama and histrionics, without a climax and a resolution–no plot, basically. The only good thing about this movie are the two very cute United Colors of Benetton kids who play Berry’s and Duchovny’s kids, but that ain’t enough to suffer through this drivel. A complete waste of time and $10.
* “30 Days of Night“: So bad and pointlessly bloody and disgusting, that I walked out after an hour and forty minutes in. Boy, Josh Hartnett must’ve really needed a paycheck. He stars in this absolutely awful horror movie, which is more hilarious than anything, aside from the gratuitous blood, mutilation, and violence.
A group of vampires take over and murder almost an entire small Alaskan town during the start of 30 days with no sunlight. Hartnett plays a cop who is estranged from his wife, also a cop. Together, they and a few others fight off the vampires. The vampires’ stupid, silly sounding, fake language and howling is so ridiculous, it reminds me more of Ann Heche speaking in her weird alien language, when she did an interview with ABC’s Barbara Walters about how she communicated with extraterrestrial beings. This movie is absolutely disgusting in its bloodiness and gruesome dismemberment without a point. Not actually a horror movie. Just stupid. And sick. Skip it at all cost.

* “Gone Baby Gone“: This silly, messy “thriller” is being billed as something it’s not: exciting. Instead, it’s a Ben Affleck directed vehicle for–suprise!–his brother, Casey Affleck. It’s comical when people from Boston–the Afflecks–can’t even get a Boston accent right. The junior Affleck plays a young, inexperienced but cocky South Boston private eye who, with his girlfriend, investigates the disappearance of a 4-year-old from her druggie, drug-mule, loser mother. He works with a couple of Boston cops and a police chief (Morgan Freeman) to try to find her but has no luck. Or does he?
Besides being gratuitously violent, bloody, and disgusting for no reason, it’s just a joke of a thriller. In a good thriller, there is at least a shadow of a hint of “who done it.” In this one, the plot is so messy, so cockamamie, there are so many things and stories going on, that the “who done it” is absolutely absurd. You’d never have figured it out. Not that you’d want to. Instead, you’d rather leave the theater before it’s over.
Boring, long, depressing, and gives us zero reason to be interested in any of the characters or their pathetic lives. Like watching actors playing real-life people in a boring reality show. Blood, gore, decapitation, stabbing, etc. Why? Just to gross you out enougn to make you forget just how weak and awful this flick is. And it doesn’t succeed in making you forget that in the least.
Proof positive that Director Ben Affleck should stick to acting. Oh, wait–he can’t do that well either.
* “I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With“: Actor Jeff Garlin plays a less successful incarnation of himself in this movie about a fat, out-of-luck Chicago actor who is looking for someone to love and to love him back as he struggles to make it in showbiz. Among his love interests are the equally quirky Sarah Silverman (who is completely annoying in this movie and not in a funny way) and Bonnie Hunt. While this movie is mildly entertaining and has some good and funny lines, it is more pathetic and depressing more than anything, with zero payoff. Mostly, it’s just painful to watch. Sad. The kind of movie you’d see before you’re about to commit suicide and you want reinforcement for your decision.