By Debbie Schlussel
Anti-War leftie Carlos Santana allegedly fired his personal assistant because the man’s consciousness was calibrated and deemed “too low.” According to a lawsuit brought by the fired man, Bruce Kuhlman, Santana’s spiritual guru, “Dr. Dan,” administered the test, deciding who was–and wasn’t–close enough to G-d to work for Santana.
Santana plays guitar and designs shoes–all while apparently being closer to G-d than us little people. We regular Americans are simply not spiritually evolved enough to hang with him.
In related news, G-d has calibrated Carlos Santana’s daily pot dosage, finding it too strong for the delusional Santana to maintain any sense of reality. Reportedly, G-d is also offended by Santana’s ultra-hideous headwear.

By Debbie Schlussel
Michael Moore has joined the Pritikin Spa to lose weight. The problem is that weight loss programs at the $3,800 a week spa only target bodily fat, not fat occupying the cerebral cortex. Poor Michael Moore.

Count Fatula looks into the caloric conspiracy
In related news, watch for “Flabbenheit 9/11,” Michael Moore’s new investigative movie about Pritikin’s ties to the Saudis, Bin Laden, the Carlyle Group, Bally’s, the candy industry, high fructose corn syrup, dentists, Britney Spears, FOX News Channel, and the tooth fairy. Learn how, together, they have conspired to make Americans like him fat, forcing them to spend big bucks to take it off.
RELATED:

By Debbie Schlussel
Review removed, pursuant to movie publicist’s request until the day this horrid anti-Capitalist, anti-White celluloid stupidity, “The Constant Gardener,” opens, August 31. Stay Tuned.

By Debbie Schlussel
Something I wrote about a LONG time ago is now a “scoop” on Drudge: the taunting of wounded war vets (fresh from Iraq and Afghanistan) by anti-war protesters at Walter Reed hospital.
Drudge writes as if Conservative News Service (CNS) was the first to discover this. Not true. Free Republic counter-protesters wrote about this long ago and posted photos. They’ve been there for over 2 years.
Here’s what I wrote, back in April:
“Back on U.S. soil, Code Pink harasses badly wounded American soldiers, protesting them outside the Walter Reed medical facility in Washington, DC.”
What Drudge doesn’t say–but, again, I wrote –is that the group doing the protesting is Code Pink, the hate-America (and fund the Islamic terrorists in Gaza and Fallujah) organization of Cindy Sheehan (a/k/a Jihad Cindy #2) and Marla Ruzicka.
When you think of these two, think of the Code Pinkos tormenting our veterans who’ve lost limbs and are already in a lot of pain.

By Debbie Schlussel
Earlier I wrote about women wanting to call football games–trying to be like men. But today, there are also two news items about men trying to be more like women:
* USA Today has a piece on men and waxing. Eeeuw.
Key Quote of the article: “Waxing makes up 35% to 40% of the business at Joq Day Spa for Men in Atlanta. ‘Men are just becoming a lot more conscious of what their body looks like,’ spa director Christopher Keever says.”
First of all, there shouldn’t be a “day spa” for men. Second, anything called the “Joq Day Spa for Men” is only for men whose favorite song is by “The Weathergirls.” FYI, “jock” is spelled J-O-C-K, not with a Q. Anyplace that uses a Q, well, again, “The Weathergirls.”
* The Detroit Free Press Business Page features this front-pager: “Generation Y Spending Trends: Manicured Men.”
The print version of this article has a giant photo of someone named Guido Amato getting a facial. No-one named Guido Amato should be getting a facial. Incidentally, the “men’s salon” (isn’t “men’s salon” an oxymoron?) where he gets his facials is called “Wise Guys.” Amato admits he’s been called a metrosexual. “When I hear that word, I just think, ‘a guy that likes to take care of himself.'” No, Guido, that’s NOT what it means.
Highlights, waxed brows, manicure, pedicure. These are the many women’s products guys like Guido are now using. Sad.
It’s not like there’s a fine line between brute and metrosexual. There isn’t. These emasculating grooming habits are definitely a turn-off. Unless you live in South Beach.

By Debbie Schlussel
It’s official. Tour de Hypocrisy champ and wife of Sheryl Crow, Lance Armstrong, ripped off AND cycling fans.
Related:

By Debbie Schlussel
Don’t be fooled by New York Times and USA Today stories making it look like Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff is finally doing something about illegal immigration.
He isn’t, no matter what he or his incompetent spokesman, Russ Knocke, say.
Chertoff’s statements are an empty sop to angry western governors who, like Chertoff, want to look like they are doing something (but aren’t). In the same breath as Chertoff claims he’s finally going to get tough on illegal immigrants, the ineffective DHS “leader” endorses President Bush’s dangerous proposed guest workers program–which will allow more illegal aliens into the U.S., where they will disappear into the abyss.
And, like the true bureaucrat that he is, Chertoff doesn’t really have a plan yet. In fact, the announced “plan” is a plan to “draft a plan.” From the USA Today article: “Chertoff said Tuesday that his department is drafting a plan to determine how ‘once and for all’ to deal with illegal immigration . . . in states along the U.S.-Mexican border. . . . Chertoff said he wanted to take time to analyze the immigration problem before sending more agents to the border . . . taking a broader look at the problem.”
Puh-leeze.
After months in office while illegal immigrants pour in, Chertoff is only now “drafting a plan,” “analyzing,” and “taking a broader look.” What was he doing until now? Planning for planning to announce planning the drafting of a plan?

Even Chertoff look-alike Mr. Burns would do a better job
stopping illegal immigration.
The New York Times profiled James Johnson’s family ranch, where 500 immigrants a day sneak in from Mexico. Where is Chertoff? Planning to make a “plan.”
Illegal immigration is an urgent issue, but clearly Chertoff didn’t think it was that urgent. The clock is ticking while his endless pontificating and zero concrete action on this issue is harming American citizens. Stopping illegal immigrants isn’t rocket science that needs endless bureaucratic planning (and no action). It’s work–something that Chertoff apparently finds adverse.
I deeply regret I supported this do-nothing lawyer, in several national cable news appearances, when he was nominated by President Bush. Clearly, Chertoff is better suited to an ivory tower university where he can plan to draft his plan, instead of neglecting our borders and national security.
Chertoff in opposing the effective, citizen-manned “Minutemen,” said, “The border is a very dangerous place,” he said. “This is not a place for people to play as amateurs.”
Yes, the border is not a place for amateurs. So why is uber amateur, Chertoff, in charge of it?
A real Homeland Security chief would have done something long ago. Somebody get us one.
RELATED: Another Illegal Immigration Wimp
New Hampshire’s cowardly attorney general Kelly Ayotte refused to appeal trespassing charges against illegal immigrants. The charges were used by local police chiefs frustrated by zero federal enforcement of immigration laws by Chertoff. Ayotte also instructed New Hampshire police chiefs not to use the trespassing laws to take undocumented workers off the street. Remember Ayotte’s wimpishness in any of her future runs for office.

By Debbie Schlussel
If so, you can watch Beth Mowins call games for the Western Athletic Conference on the hardly watched ESPNU (which will become even less watched as a result).
But for the rest of us–who don’t like in-your-face feminism inserted into every crevice of life, watch real football on many other choices elsewhere. Even the mundane John Madden is better than this.
In 2003, I debated a CNN sports reporteratrix and a militant female sports radio host on CNN’s “Talk Back Live” about this very issue. They were all upset that John Madden is fat and old and he had a big-time deal with ABC to call “Monday Night Football” games. But that’s the nature of the marketplace. The majority of football fans are men, and they don’t want to hear Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan, or even Beth Mowins annoying them during their one escape from reality. They’d turn it off faster than they did Dennis Miller. And Beth Mowins never coached an NFL team.
The first woman to call college football, Pam Ward on ESPN2, is unliked, and even less watched. Mowins will be more of the same. Keep them on WNBA games where their feminist fans will have to endure it. Keep football games for the real professionals. In the case of football games, that means MEN.

By Debbie Schlussel
Question: Will , ICE Special Agent in Charge for Michigan and Ohio, follow the new directive from DHS chief Michael Chertoff?
Answer: Only if it’s in or Chinese.

By Debbie Schlussel
The competition was tough for this category, but Michigan ICE Special Agent in Charge friend, “former” PFLP terrorist, FBI award revokee, and Michigan Muslim leader remains undefeated champion.

“Whiner of the Week: “Former” PFLP terrorist/FBI Award revokee/Abu Moskowitz buddy “
(Hamadafat courtesy of the creative Preston Taylor Holmes of Six Meat Buffet.)
In the latest issue of his newsletter, Hamad is angry that Customs Inspectors at the Detroit-Canada border actually did their job.
Imagine being asked why you are coming to the United States. Imagine being asked to have your car trunk searched. Boy, the gall of those Customs Inspectors. How dare they! They should know that their real job is to smile, look nice in their uniforms, and only ask such questions to people of the menacing Samoan and Norwegian descents.
Here’s the full Whine (circa 2005, it goes nicely with rotten shawarma):
U.S. Customs and Border Protection Complaint
“On August 15, 2005 a member of the [Muslim] community was allegedly subject to harassment at the border. The member explains that she and her husband were hassled by an officer ‘with rude, hostile questions that were out of line’. They were asked questions about why they came to the United States and what they do for a living. The member expressed that she felt mocked and harassed when they answered the questions. The officer also inspected the trunk of the member’s car. When the members checked the trunk of their car, they found it a complete mess.”
In the same newsletter, Hamad’s group’s women’s division is honoring, Najah Bazzy, who declared, “I’m embarrassed to be an American.” We’re embarrassed you are an American, too, Najah.

Najah Bazzy: Proud. . . er, “Embarrassed to Be an American”